Call Me Fitz

Richard "Fitz" Fitzpatrick, sociopath/scumbag extraordinaire and top salesman of pre-owned automobiles for 9 years running, hits rock bottom when he crashes a GT on a test drive, puts a woman in a coma, and wakes up to find he's grown a conscience -- a living/breathing hanger-on named Larry, who joins Fitzpatrick Motors as a do-gooder salesman, and threatens to not only set Fitz straight, but undercut his run for a 10th straight "Fibbie" award...

Refusing to accept Larry into his life, Fitz hires Josh to "take care" of him. But when Josh's failed hit results in yet another sale for Larry, Fitz's only option is to try and prove Larry's a crazy person. After all, he claims to be his conscience. Meanwhile, Larry has begun purging Fitz of all his evils. And he starts with the drugs and alcohol. But by the time Larry rallies the Fitzpatrick family for an intervention, Fitz decides to take whacking matters into his own hands, only to end up in psychiatric treatment himself.

When Fitz discovers Ken is leaving Fitzpatrick Motors to Larry, he needs to prove Larry is NOT his long-lost, responsible brother. And the only way to do it is a quick visit to his absentee, alcoholic mother Elaine. Meanwhile, Josh catches demented Junior Survivalist Kara snooping around Fitz's office as she builds her now growing attempted vehicular manslaughter case. But Kara blackmails Josh with a cell phone photo of the two of them in a compromising position. When Fitz arrives to confront his Mom about her sordid past, she's in the midst of her weekly key party. Instead of getting the closure he wants on his maternal relationship, Fitz decides to steal her prized El Dorado.

Fitz quickly unloads Elaine's El Dorado in hopes of putting their broken relationship behind him for good. But Larry is convinced it was a desperate plea to get her back in his life. Unfortunately for Fitz, that's exactly what happens. Meanwhile, Meghan learns her husband left her weeks ago, she was just too self-involved to notice. After manipulating Larry into a family reunion, Elaine gets Fitz on board to scam the Ruptals -- their oldest family tradition -- and get the El Dorado back. But its all part of a Long Con Elaine concocts to finalize her divorce and steal all of Fitz's liquid assets.

When Larry and Meghan buy Ken a birthday present, Fitz scrambles to come up with his own gift to blow Meghan's out of the water. But the only thing they have in common is cars and porn. So Fitz shoots a car-themed porn with Ken's favourite classic porn star Candy Box. But she's a little older than Fitz remembered. When her kids show up, her back goes out, and Ken arrives to ruin the surprise, Fitz agrees to star in the porn with Sonja in hopes of selling it for a profit -- the only thing Ken really cares about. But when Fitz can't get it up, Larry is ecstatic that he can't bring himself to exploit a coworker. Embarrassed, Fitz fights Larry -- their naked wrestling video becomes a viral sensation.

Fitz tries to distract Larry by hooking him up with a drunk chick, only to end up sleeping with Janet, the drunkest of them all. But the next morning Fitz discovers Janet wasn't drunk, she's brain damaged. Larry thinks this is a perfect way to teach Fitz about love and devotion. Fitz is okay with it; brain damaged sex ROCKS! Meghan meanwhile tries to get back on the dating horse. When she mistakes an attempted purse snatching for a come-on, she takes her mugger hostage at a motel. Ali now has a real case against Fitz - her comatose mother has developed a communication technique with her finger twitches. When Fitz flirts with Ali, Janet gets so worked up with jealousy, she knocks herself out. Fitz thinks quick and tries to set Larry up as her perverted kidnapper by taking them to the motel. But when Meghan's mugger escapes and pulls a gun on Janet. Larry takes him out with a rubber fist dildo, and ends up the hero once again.

Hoping to take advantage of spousal privilege, Fitz proposes to a comatose Babs, believing it will undercut her morse-code testimony. In an attempt to placate Larry, Fitz makes him his Best Man. And he throws a lame bachelor party -- the kind of party he never had as a kid. But Josh is scorned by being left out of the wedding party. He drops the ball on his duty to secure an ordained priest, and tips Kara off to the impending nuptials. Kara and Ali arrive at the bachelor party in hopes of getting him too drunk to go through with the wedding before Babs is moved to a private facility. When the cops arrive to break up the party, Fitz, Larry and Ali all end up in the drunk tank. After a swift bribe of the guard and a chance jail-cell meeting with an S&M submissive/ordained minister, Fitz is free and clear to marry Babs. Everything seems to be going his way. Until Babs wakes up.

Fitz is pleasantly surprised to discover his marriage to Babs fulfills his latent maternal longings. Meanwhile, Meghan gets a visit from social services -- her son's attendance at Fitz's bachelor party raised suspicions. After Fitz fully regresses to a child-like state, Babs discovers he doesn't want a lover, he wants a Mommy. Appalled, Larry tries to get Ali to help break them up. But when it becomes clear that Ali's jealous of Babs, Fitz realizes who he should really be with. He chases after Ali and they start going at it in her car. But an errant elbow throws the car in reverse. It rolls over Babs, killing her instantly.

Being a widower has its perks; the pity, the gifts, not to mention the inheritance, which Fitz uses to buy a plot of land for his dream bar, The Summer Wind Lounge. Ali however learns her mother's dying wish was an organic burial. Unfortunately it's illegal. If anyone can help her skirt the law, it's Fitz. Together, Fitz, Ali and Larry steal the body from the crematorium and stash it in the back of a car. Meanwhile, under advisement from child services, Meghan takes a job at the dealership. But her first test drive is in the corpse car. Larry has to bribe Meghan and her client with shares in The Summer Wind, and then force Fitz to take Babs to that very plot of land for her final resting place. Ali feels a sense of closure, and she has Fitz to thank for it. So she bangs him in the car. But when she learns Fitz used all of Babs' money to invest in his bar, she's done with him forever.

With a highly publicized charity drive across the street, Fitz decides to out-charity the Ruptals by raising money for Ned the cripple -- not a kid, a curmudgeonly middle-aged guy in a wheelchair. He figures if he's good for once, there'd be no need to have a conscience anymore and Larry would finally leave him alone. Meanwhile, Meghan finds love in an unlikely place -- a taxidermy workshop with Ruptal 2. When no one shows up for Ned's event, Fitz gets calls in to local radio and promises to donate a kidney. Even after he discovers he's a match, Larry is sure Fitz won't go through with it. Which of course, he doesn't -- especially when he learns he's feeling down because he has syphilis. Turns out the match testing never happened, it was a scam by Ned all along. He ends up harvesting Larry's kidney for sale on the black market.

A sniper takes siege of Fitzpatrick Motors. Larry worries the bad karma of not disclosing his syphilis to all his sexual partners has brought this upon Fitz. After all, he didn't even tell Sonja. But as Fitz points out, it could be one of the hundreds of people who want him dead. Ali meanwhile tries to get over bad boy Fitz by dating milquetoast Chester Vince. As the Fitz Motors team narrows down their list of suspects, Josh believes the shooter must be Kara. Ali is called in to help talk Kara out of it. But it's not her -- she just happened to find a sniper in a balaclava who fled the scene. In a show of loyalty, Josh takes Kara out, only to reveal that he's been acting as Kara's spy all along. As Chester makes sure Kara isn't tried as an adult, proving to be the real hero of the day, Larry urges Fitz to disclose his STD to Ali. But in outing their relationship to Chester, he ruins her chance of happiness with a good guy.

The final numbers for the Fibbies are in, and Fitz is way out of contention. But there's a loop-hole - salesmen can enter as a team. Fitz tries to get Larry on board, but he's distracted by an anonymous letter; a clue into a past Larry no longer remembers. Ali meanwhile joins a self-help group, Bad Men and the Good Women Who Date Them, and finds Sonja in the crowd. Kara toils away in Juvie, manipulating Josh to her cause once again. And Ruptal 1 discovers the secret love affair between his cousin and Meghan. Fitz agrees to help Larry investigate the return address. But mere hours before the Fibbies start, they end up trapped in an abandoned warehouse. Larry doubts his abilities as a conscience for the first time, and wonders if the world would be better without him in it. Fitz has to talk him out of his noose, but in the flailing, Larry ends up kicking Fitz out of a boarded up window and to their freedom. They get to the Fibbies just in time. But as Fitz practices his acceptance speech in the parking lot, a hood is thrown over his head.

Fitz comes to in a motel room with Ali, Sonja, and Julia, the leader of the Bad Men and the Good Women Who Love Them. But they're divided on what they want to do with him -- snip off his dick or record a hostage-style video warning to women everywhere. Sonja chickens out and calls Larry to come save Fitz. Larry talks the women out of a beheading, but agrees to take up Kangaroo court for the trial of Dick Fitz. Meanwhile, Kara instructs Josh to make bomb, with her cell phone as the detonator. But he realizes there's far too much firepower for this to be a simple jailbreak bomb -- she wants to blow-up Fitzpatrick Motors! Larry pleads on behalf of the defendant that they're lucky he's not worse than he already is -- his mother left him, his father doesn't want him to succeed, but he's still capable of love. When he gets a panicked call from Josh that his dealership is about to explode, not to mention the revelation that Julia is actually a dude with problems far worse than gender dysmorphia, Fitz is free to go. He swiftly throws the bomb in the cursed GT, drives it his original crash site, and explodes it safely away from his dealership. The next morning, Fitz arrives at work to find Larry's face being painted on the Fitzpatrick Motors mural. He's finally accepted him as part of his life. But the sight of him only elicits a final "Fuck off, Larry."