Lauded as the "911 poster child" by Katie Couric, former Saturday Night Live writer Leland Gregory takes us back to where the funny all began.
From presidential philosophizing and political pandering to foolish felons and office idiots, Leland Gregory generates side-splitting laughter by chronicling the worst of human nature. Gregory takes us back to where all the laughs began by updating his 911 cult classic with more than 150 new tales of bizarre but true 911 calls such as:
.911: "Do you know a good stain remover?"
.911 Report: Person answered "no" to the question: "Are you conscious?"
.911 Report: Man called and requested dispatcher call his wife to let her know he's on his way home and that she shouldn't yell at him.
* The Illinois Department of Conservation spent $180,000 to study the contents of owl vomit.
* Georgia State University psychology professor James Dabbs discovered in 1988 that trial lawyers have about 30 percent more testosterone in their bodies than normal people (regardless of gender). Dabbs stated in the Journal of Applied Social Psychology that high testosterone levels are often linked to aggressiveness and "antisocial behavior." We all knew that lawyers were full of something--now we know it's testosterone.
* What do stinky cheese and unclean feet have in common? They both attract mosquitoes according to a November 8, 1996 article from Reuters.
Who Leland Gregory voted for in the 2004 presidential election is his business. But when George W. Bush won a second term, Gregory had to be doing cartwheels around his computer. The humorist, after all, makes a career of recording human behavior at, let's just say, its less-than-brilliant moments.
Bush-Whacked does a thorough job of tracking the president's language mangling as well as the inept bungling of his administration:
* "And so during these holiday seasons, we thank our blessings . . ." --GWB at Fort Belvoir, Va., December 21, 2004.
* Through bureaucratic mismanagement, parts for a top-secret spy plane, originally intended for destruction, were discovered being auctioned off on eBay. --New York Post
* "(T)he illiteracy level of our children are appalling." --GWB, Washington, D.C., January 23, 2004
With his expert nose for nuttiness, Gregory includes numerous perplexing quotes, wacky anecdotes, and weird one-liners in this hysterical collection. This isn't the president at his finest, just Dubya at his funniest.
* The forgetful fireman who left cooking oil on the stove and returned from a call to find the station house burned to the ground.
* A lung cancer patient who caused an explosion when he lit up a cigarette-in his oxygen tent.
* A 58-year-old billiards player who was suspended from competition after testing positive for a muscle-building hormone.
* F. Edward Hebert, chairman of the House Armed Services Committee, who said, "The only way we'll get a volunteer army is to draft them.
Hey Idiot! lets everyone from bosses to public officials, doctors to sports heroes, skewer themselves with their moronic words and action. Readers will howl with laughter at the more than 200 examples of boneheadedness and buffoonery. Wise up and don't miss Hey Idiot!
* Best-selling author Leland Gregory employs his masterful wit to expose historical myths, faux "facts," strange events, and tales of human stupidity throughout history.
If it would shock you to learn that Benjamin Franklin didn't discover electricity, you'll appreciate this take on hundreds of historical legends and debacles. Historians and humorists alike may be surprised to learn that:
* Samuel Prescott made the famous horseback ride into Concord, not Paul Revere.
* As a member of Parliament, Isaac Newton spoke only once. He asked for an open window.
* On April 24, 1898, Spain declared war on the U.S., thus starting the Spanish-American War. The U.S. declared war the very next day, but not wanting to be outdone, had the date on the declaration changed from April 25 to April 21.
With these and many other stories, leading humorist Leland Gregory once again highlights both the strange and the funny side of humankind.
Former Saturday Night Live writer Leland Gregory skewers cruel crooks and the idiotically inane.
From absurd 911 calls to presidential philosophizing and political pandering to foolish felons, Leland Gregory generates the best laughs by exposing the worst of human nature. Inside this collection, Gregory offers more than 275 accounts of human stupidity at its most malicious and peculiar:
* In August 2006, 40-year-old Darrel Rodgers was treated at a Bloomington, Indiana, hospital for a self-inflicted gunshot wound to his left knee. Rogers explained that he shot himself seeking to relieve the pain in his knee, which probably stemmed from shooting himself in the same knee ten years earlier.
* And, because some of the stories are just that unbelievable, each anecdote, quote, or factoid is presented with relevant background information--including its verified news source.
* After revealing absurd 911 phone calls and America's dumbest criminal antics, former Saturday Night Live writer Leland Gregory skewers political pandering and pen-pushing philosophizing.
Leland Gregory generates the best laughs by exposing the worst of human nature. Inside Idiots in Charge: Lies, Trick, Misdeeds, and Other Political Untruthiness Gregory offers more than 250 accounts of bumbling bureaucrats on both sides of political party lines:
* David Spellman became mayor of Black Hawk, Colo., on July 12, 2006, a week after pleading guilty to felony menacing and third-degree assault for pistol-whipping his wife with a handgun and firing three shots in 2005.
* County officials in Vermillion, Ind., were told by state homeland security officials in July 2006 to stop using the special emergency-only highway message boards to advertise their charity fish fries and spaghetti dinners.
* District 1 Town Councilor David Watson resigned from his position as council vice chairman on January 23, 2007, after unintentionally forwarding an e-mail to 18 members of the New Elementary School Building Committee. The e-mail contained nine embedded images of topless women under the heading "This Is National Women's Breast Awareness Day." The only other text in the e-mail read, "Beats . . . Martin Luther King Day, doesn't it?"
Am-Bushed! is a hilarious rundown of the mishaps, mistakes, mispronunciations, malapropisms, and misunderestimations committed by Dubya and his administration, including:
* "You took an oath to defend our flag and our freedom, and you kept that oath underseas and under fire." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., January 10, 2006
* "There's a-some of the greatest programs, initiatives come out of our faith-based programs or faith-based churches or synagogues or mosques." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., January 30, 2003
* "The will of the United States can be shaken by suiciders . . . And suiciders who are willing to drive up to a Red Cross center, a center of international help and aid and comfort, and just kill . . . the strategy remains the same. The tactics to respond to more suiciders driving cars will alter on the ground." --George W. Bush, White House, October 28, 2003
Many people do crazy things in the name of love, but some people take things way too far. From failed seductions to botched proposals, from disturbing displays of affection to misguided marriages, Idiots in Love chronicles the stupid things falling in love (or falling out of it) can drive people to do:
* A female Coca-Cola employee became engaged to a Pepsi employee, and Coke demanded that she break it off, persuade her fiance to leave Pepsi, or resign from Coca-Cola. She refused and was terminated, but she later won a $600,000 settlement from the company.
* A woman in Hardwick, Georgia, divorced her husband on the grounds that he "stayed home too much and was too affectionate."
* A couple started divorce proceedings after 90 minutes of marriage.
* A Norwegian woman hid a ring in her boyfriend's porridge to propose marriage to him, but he accidentally ate the ring. Fortunately, he accepted the proposal anyway.
* In Whitesville, Delaware, it is illegal for a woman to propose to a man.
* A European survey revealed that one in nine people admit to sending themselves Valentine's Day cards.
Once again, Leland Gregory finds the absolute best and funniest anecdotes and one-liners that will have readers rolling with laughter at the amorous antics of idiots in love.