WARNING: The crimes you are about to read are true. The names have been changed . . . to protect the ignorant.
Here is the ultimate collection of the most incredibly stupid and painfully dumb attempts at crime ever brought together.The woman who invalidated her winning $5,000 lottery ticket by altering it to match the $20 prize number The accused vending-machine thief who paid his $400 bail entirely in quarters The streaking robber who thought clothes would make him more identifiable The convenience store thief who got away with just a hotdog, only to end up in the parking lot choking on the wiener
— To fight off Roman ships in 300 BC, Carthaginians catapulted live snakes at them.— The Athenian lawmaker Draco died of suffocation when gifts of cloaks were showered upon him by grateful citizens at an Aegina theater in 620 BC.
— In ancient Rome, long before the advent of the Christian Bible, Roman men swore to “tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth” by placing their right hand on their testicles. It is from this ritual that we derived the term “testimony.”
— Of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World, The Temple of Artemis in Ephesus burned to the ground in 356 BC. The arsonist was executed; and to make sure his wish for everlasting fame wouldn’t come true, it was ordered that his name be stricken from all records and never mentioned again. But people will talk. Despite all efforts, his name leaked, and Herostratus is remembered as one of the most notorious firebugs in history.
* Best-selling author Leland Gregory employs his masterful wit to expose historical myths, faux "facts," strange events, and tales of human stupidity throughout history.
If it would shock you to learn that Benjamin Franklin didn't discover electricity, you'll appreciate this take on hundreds of historical legends and debacles. Historians and humorists alike may be surprised to learn that:
* Samuel Prescott made the famous horseback ride into Concord, not Paul Revere.
* As a member of Parliament, Isaac Newton spoke only once. He asked for an open window.
* On April 24, 1898, Spain declared war on the U.S., thus starting the Spanish-American War. The U.S. declared war the very next day, but not wanting to be outdone, had the date on the declaration changed from April 25 to April 21.
With these and many other stories, leading humorist Leland Gregory once again highlights both the strange and the funny side of humankind.
This time, Leland--who so entertainingly highlighted humanity's stupidity in the areas of crime, business, love, politics, cruelty, and history--turns his attention to idiots on the road and in the air.
For instance, here are actual statements given by insurance policyholders describing their automobile accidents:
"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."
"The guy was all over the place. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
These true stories, from the strange to the outrageous to the just-plain dumb, will have you shaking your head at the wacky misadventures that have occurred as people attempt to get from point A to point B.
* What is it you people do at this company?
* Why aren't you in a more interesting business?
* Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?
* Does you company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?
--from Idiots at Work: Chronicles of Workplace Stupidity
Leland Gregory once thought crooks, politicians, and lawyers were the greatest nitwits out there, but it turns out that the working masses are packed with the dumb, dumber, and dumbest humans on the face of the planet. Gregory's look at nincompoops, Idiots at Work: Chronicles of Workplace Stupidity, makes it crystal clear that the world's biggest jerks are on the job. Consider these examples:
* The woman who sued Eastman Kodak to improve the lighting conditions on her job...in a darkroom?
* The Ontario Federation of Labor, which installed a bad boss hotline to get a handle on labor problems--only to have the system crash soon after startup because too many calls came in.
* The interviewee who wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.
Gregory has made a career out of finding the imbeciles of the world and sharing their antics with the rest of us. His AMP humor compilations What's the Number for 911?, What's the Number for 911 Again?, The Stupid Crook Book, and Hey, Idiot! were all hilarious, but Idiots at Work takes the cake. The book is filled with hilarious tales of moronic managers, office idiots, stupid shareholders, daft decision-makers, poor planners, and other outstanding examples of cubical klutzes.
From Columbus to George W. Bush (that's a lot of material, people), Leland leads us through American history's mythconceptions, exposing idiocy and inanity along the time line. He reeducates by informing us about myths. For example, Samuel Prescott actually was the guy to alert us that the British were coming and not that Paul Revere dude.
Move over Colbert and Stewart; satire has finally found its rightful place in American history.
Excerpt from the book:
"John Tyler was on his knees playing marbles when he was informed that Benjamin Harrison had died and he was now president of the United States. At that time marbles was a very popular game for both children and grown-ups."
For reasons still unknown, Texas congressman Thomas Lindsay Blanton, a Presbyterian Sunday school teacher and prohibitionist, inserted dirty words into the Congressional Record in 1921. His colleagues overwhelmingly censured him on October 24, 1921, by a vote of 293-0."
As Gregory's largest collection yet, S Is for Stupid features more than 350 pages of outrageous stories, trivia, and factoids organized alphabetically by topic. Such entries include:
* The following is a doctor's actual diagnostic notation: The patient is married but sexually active.
* "Shooting Reported at Firing Range" --the State, Columbia, South Carolina, August 4, 2006
* Arrested for public urination in Bowling Green, Ohio: Mr. Joshua Pees. --the Sentinel-Tribune, Bowling Green, Ohio, September 5, 2001
Because the stories Gregory chronicles are just that unbelievable, each anecdote, quote, or factoid is presented with relevant background information, including its verified news source.
Fred Lorz finished first in the marathon in the Summer Olympics of 1904. Just before he was handed the gold medal, it was discovered that a car drove him 11 miles of the race.“Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It’s rolling all the way back to second base! This is a terrible thing for the Padres!” —Jerry Coleman, Padres broadcast announcer
* The Illinois Department of Conservation spent $180,000 to study the contents of owl vomit.
* Georgia State University psychology professor James Dabbs discovered in 1988 that trial lawyers have about 30 percent more testosterone in their bodies than normal people (regardless of gender). Dabbs stated in the Journal of Applied Social Psychology that high testosterone levels are often linked to aggressiveness and "antisocial behavior." We all knew that lawyers were full of something--now we know it's testosterone.
* What do stinky cheese and unclean feet have in common? They both attract mosquitoes according to a November 8, 1996 article from Reuters.