But as perfect as America is in every single way, America is broken! And we can't exchange it because we're 236 years past the 30-day return window. Look around--we don't make anything anymore, we've mortgaged our future to China, and the Apologist-in-Chief goes on world tours just to bow before foreign leaders. Worse, the L.A. Four Seasons Hotel doesn't even have a dedicated phone button for the Spa. You have to dial an extension! Where did we lose our way?!
It's high time we restored America to the greatness it never lost!
Luckily, AMERICA AGAIN will singlebookedly pull this country back from the brink. It features everything from chapters, to page numbers, to fonts. Covering subject's ranging from healthcare ("I shudder to think where we'd be without the wide variety of prescription drugs to treat our maladies, such as think-shuddering") to the economy ("Life is giving us lemons, and we're shipping them to the Chinese to make our lemon-flavored leadonade") to food ("Feel free to deep fry this book-it's a rich source of fiber"), Stephen gives America the dose of truth it needs to get back on track.
As a prisoner of war, Andrew Jackson walked several miles barefoot across state lines while suffering from smallpox and a serious head wound received when he refused to polish the boots of the soldiers who had taken him captive. He was thirteen years old. A few decades later, he became the first popularly elected president and served the nation, pausing briefly only to beat a would-be assassin with a cane to within an inch of his life. Theodore Roosevelt had asthma, was blind in one eye, survived multiple gunshot wounds, had only one regret (that there were no wars to fight under his presidency), and was the first U.S. president to win the Medal of Honor, which he did after he died. Faced with the choice, George Washington actually preferred the sound of bullets whizzing by his head in battle over the sound of silence.
And now these men—these hallowed leaders of the free world—want to kick your ass.
Plenty of historians can tell you which president had the most effective economic strategies, and which president helped shape our current political parties, but can any of them tell you what to do if you encounter Chester A. Arthur in a bare-knuckled boxing fight? This book will teach you how to be better, stronger, faster, and more deadly than the most powerful (and craziest) men in history. You’re welcome.
We all know the system isn’t working. Our governments are corrupt and the opposing parties pointlessly similar. Our culture is filled with vacuity and pap, and we are told there’s nothing we can do: “It’s just the way things are.”
In this book, Russell Brand hilariously lacerates the straw men and paper tigers of our conformist times and presents, with the help of experts as diverse as Thomas Piketty and George Orwell, a vision for a fairer, sexier society that’s fun and inclusive.
You have been lied to, told there’s no alternative, no choice, and that you don’t deserve any better. Brand destroys this illusory facade as amusingly and deftly as he annihilates Morning Joe anchors, Fox News fascists, and BBC stalwarts.
This book makes revolution not only possible but inevitable and fun.
From politics to the personal, from fashion to food, from the campus to the locker room, the desire to be cool has infected all aspects of our lives. At its most harmless, it is annoying. At its worst, it is deadly, on a massive scale. The Cool are the termites of life, infiltrating every nook and cranny and destroying it from within. The Cool report the news, write the scripts, teach our children, run our government—and each day they pass judgment on those who don’t worship at the altar of their coolness. The cool fawn over terrorists, mock the military, and denigrate employers. They are, in short, awful people.
From what we wear and what we eat, to what we smoke and who we poke, pop culture is crafted and manipulated by the cool and, to Greg Gutfeld, that's Not Cool.
How do the cool enslave you? By convincing you that:
- If you don't agree with them no one will like you.
- If you don't follow them you will miss out on life.
- If you don't listen to them you will die a lonely loser
How do you vanquish the cool and discover your own true self? Read this book.
In Not Cool, Greg Gutfeld, bestselling author of The Joy Of Hate, lays out the battle plan for reclaiming the real American ideal of cool--building businesses, protecting freedom at home and abroad, taking responsibility for your actions, and leaving other people alone to live as they damn well please. Not Cool fights back against the culture of phonies, elitists, and creeps who want your soul. It’s not a book, it’s a weapon—and one should be armed with it at all times.
From the Hardcover edition.
Greg Gutfeld hates artificial tolerance. At the root of every single major political conflict is the annoying coddling Americans must endure of these harebrained liberal hypocrisies. In fact, most of the time liberals uses the mantle of tolerance as a guise for their pathetic intolerance. And what we really need is smart intolerance, or as Gutfeld reminds us, what we used to call common sense.
The Joy of Hate tackles this conundrum head on--replacing the idiocy of open-mindness with a shrewd judgmentalism that rejects stupid ideas, notions, and people. With countless examples grabbed from the headlines, Gutfeld provides readers with the enormous tally of what pisses us all off. For example:
- The double standard: You can make fun of Christians, but God forbid Muslims. It's okay to call a woman any name imaginable, as long as she's a Republican. And no problem if you're a bigot, as long as you're politically correct about it.
- The demonizing of the Tea Party and romanticizing of the Occupy Wall Streeters.
- The media who are always offended (see MSNBC lineup)
- How critics of Obamacare or illegal immigration are somehow immediately labeled racists.
- The endless debate over the Ground Zero Mosque (which Gutfeld planned to open a Muslim gay bar next to).
- As well as pretentious music criticism, slow-moving ceiling fans, and snotty restaurant hostesses.
Funny and sarcastic to the point of being mean (but in a nice way), The Joy of Hate points out the true jerks in this society and tells them all off.
From the Hardcover edition.
A follow-up to the New York Times bestselling The New Rules, The New New Rules delivers a series of hilarious, intelligent rants on everything from same-sex marriage to healthcare, from Republican agendas to celebrity meltdowns, with all the razor-sharp insight that has made Bill Maher one of the most influential comedic voices shaping the political debate today. With another presidential campaign on the horizon and a stellar set of real- life characters to have fun with-"New Rule: If Charlie Sheen's home life means he can't have a TV show, then I say Newt Gingrich can't be president"-this enlightening and important book may be the best thing you pretend to read all year.
It happens to all of us: You're minding your own business, when some idiot informs you that guns are evil, the Prius will save the planet, or the rich have to finally start paying their fair share of taxes.
Just go away! you think to yourself -- but they only become more obnoxious. Your heart rate quickens. You start to sweat. You can't get away. Your only hope is...
Glenn Beck, author of the #1 New York Times bestsellers An Inconvenient Book and Glenn Beck's Common Sense, has stumbled upon the secret formula to winning arguments against people with big mouths but small minds: knowing the facts.
And this book is full of them.
The next time your Idiot Friends tell you how gun control prevents gun violence, you'll tell them all about England's handgun ban (see page 53). When they tell you that we should copy the UK's health-care system, you'll recount the horrifying facts you read on page 244. And the next time an idiot tells you that vegetable prices will skyrocket without illegal workers, you'll stop saying "no, they won't" and you'll start saying, "actually, eliminating all illegal labor will cause us to spend just $8 a year more on produce." (See page 139.)
Idiots can't be identified through voting records, they can be found only by looking for people who hide behind stereotypes, embrace partisanship, and believe that bumper sticker slogans are a substitute for common sense. If you know someone who fits the bill, then Arguing with Idiots will help you silence them once and for all with the ultimate weapon: the truth.
To millions of people, Nick Offerman is America. Both Nick and his character, Ron Swanson, are known for their humor and patriotism in equal measure.
After the great success of his autobiography, Paddle Your Own Canoe, Offerman now focuses on the lives of those who inspired him. From George Washington to Willie Nelson, he describes twenty-one heroic figures and why they inspire in him such great meaning. He combines both serious history with light-hearted humor—comparing, say, Benjamin Franklin’s abstinence from daytime drinking to his own sage refusal to join his construction crew in getting plastered on the way to work. The subject matter also allows Offerman to expound upon his favorite topics, which readers love to hear—areas such as religion, politics, woodworking and handcrafting, agriculture, creativity, philosophy, fashion, and, of course, meat.
From the Hardcover edition.
With an irreverent voice, incredible wit, and a firm take on just about everything, this is a manual for how to think about stuff, by a guy who has thought about precisely that same stuff. And, even if you disagree with Greg, this book will make you laugh--guaranteed.*
What is in my book, you ask? (I'm really glad you asked, by the way, because now I get to tell you.)
Time travel. Gay marriage. Sportsballing. Futuristic goggles that DO NOTHING.
Tiny brags from my publisher, stuff like: "This is an uproarious, uncensored take on empathy, personal responsibility, and what it means to be human."
Excessive brags about myself: "An extraordinarily clever, punishingly funny, sharp-tongued blogosphere star, NFL player, husband and father, one-time violin prodigy, voracious lifetime reader, obsessive gamer, and fearless champion of personal freedom."
Oh, and also an essay on the Pope's Twitter account. Honestly, if that doesn't draw you in, there's no hope left for humanity. I also give my own funeral eulogy, in case you were hoping I'd go away and die now!
So please, join me in the glorious art of windmill tilting by reading this "collection of rousing, uncensored personal essays, letters, and stories" (I have no idea why that's in quotes).
Join the herd of Beautifully Unique Sparkleponies.
(You know you want to.)
He tried to warn us. Ever since the release of the first Trump-for-President trial balloon in 1987, Doonesbury’s Garry Trudeau has tirelessly tracked and highlighted the unsavory career of the most unqualified candidate to ever aspire to the White House. It’s all there--the hilarious narcissism, the schoolyard bullying, the loathsome misogyny, the breathtaking ignorance; and a good portion of the Doonesbury cast has been tangled up in it. Join Duke, Honey, Earl, J.J., Mike, Mark, Roland, Boopsie, B.D., Sal, Alice, Elmont, Sid, Zonker, Sam, Bernie, Rev. Sloan, and even the Red Rascal as they cross storylines with the big, orange airhorn who’s giving the GOP such fits.
Garry Trudeau is the “sleazeball” “third-rate talent” who draws the “overrated” comic strip Doonesbury, which “very few people read.” He lives in New York City with his wife Jane Pauley, who “has far more talent than he has."
Replete with an astonishing assemblage of facts, illustrations, maps, charts, threats, blood, and additional fees to edify even the most simple-minded book-buyer, THE ONION BOOK OF KNOWN KNOWLEDGE is packed with valuable information-such as the life stages of an Aunt; places to kill one's self in Utica, New York; and the dimensions of a female bucket, or "pail." With hundreds of entries for all 27 letters of the alphabet, THE ONION BOOK OF KNOWN KNOWLEDGE must be purchased immediately to avoid the sting of eternal ignorance.
Smart, hilarious, and incisive, the Liberal Rednecks confront outdated traditions and intolerant attitudes, tackling everything people think they know about the South—the good, the bad, the glorious, and the shameful—in a laugh-out-loud funny and lively manifesto for the rise of a New South. Home to some of the best music, athletes, soldiers, whiskey, waffles, and weather the country has to offer, the South has also been bathing in backward bathroom bills and other bigoted legislation that Trae Crowder has targeted in his Liberal Redneck videos, which have gone viral with over 50 million views.
Perfect for fans of Stuff White People Like and I Am America (And So Can You), The Liberal Redneck Manifesto skewers political and religious hypocrisies in witty stories and hilarious graphics—such as the Ten Commandments of the New South—and much more! While celebrating the South as one of the richest sources of American culture, this entertaining book issues a wake-up call and a reminder that the South’s problems and dreams aren’t that far off from the rest of America’s.
As we approach the most important presidential election in America’s history, something has been lost among all of the debates, attack ads, and super- PACs—something that Americans used to hold in very high regard: THE TRUTH.
Glenn Beck likes to say that “the truth has no agenda”—but there’s another side to that: people who have agendas rarely care about the truth. And, these days, it seems like everyone has an agenda. The media leads with stories that rate over those that matter. Politicians put lobbyists and electability over honesty. Radicals alter history in order to change the future.
In Cowards, Glenn Beck exposes the truth about thirteen important issues that have been hijacked by deceit. Whether out of spite, greed, or fear, these are the things that no one seems to be willing to have an honest conversation about. For example:
* How our two-party POLITICAL SYSTEM often leaves voters with NO GOOD OPTIONS.
* How extremists are slowly integrating ISLAMIC LAW into our SOCIETY.
* How PROGRESSIVE “religious” leaders like JIM WALLIS are politicizing the Bible.
* How the CARTEL VIOLENCE on our border is FAR WORSE than people realize.
* How “LIBERTARIAN” has been INTENTIONALLY turned into a DIRTY WORD.
* How GEORGE SOROS has amassed enough MONEY and POWER to INFLUENCE entire ECONOMIES.
In some cases, the truth is out there, but people simply don’t want to hear it. It’s much easier, and certainly a lot more convenient, to keep our blinders on. After all, as a quote attributed to President James Garfield made clear, “The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable.”
Miserable or not, the truth can no longer be something we hope for; it must be something we live. When courage prevails, cowards do not—and this book was written to ensure that’s exactly what happens.
THE BOSTON GLOBE
Madcap, bittersweet humor in classic Erma Bombeck-style. You'll laugh until it hurts and love it! "Any mother with half a skull knows that when Daddy's little boy becomes Mommy's little boy, the kid is so wet, he's treading water. What do you mean you're a participle in the school play and you need a costume? Those rotten kids. If only they'd let me wake up in my own way. Why do they have to line up along my bed and stare at me like Moby Dick just washed up onto a beach somewhere?"
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Al Franken, one of our “savviest satirists” (People), has been studying the rhetoric of the Right. He has listened to their cries of “slander,” “bias,” and even “treason.” He has examined the Bush administration’s policies of squandering our surplus, ravaging the environment, and alienating the rest of the world. He’s even watched Fox News. A lot.
And, in this fair and balanced report, Al bravely and candidly exposes them all for what they are: liars. Lying, lying liars. Al destroys the liberal media bias myth by doing what his targets seem incapable of: getting his facts straight. Using the Right’s own words against them, he takes on the pundits, the politicians, and the issues, in the most talked about book of the year.
Timely, provocative, unfailingly honest, and always funny, Lies sticks it to the most right-wing administration in memory, and to the right-wing media hacks who do its bidding.
"The book everyone is laughing about!"--Joe Scarborough, Morning Joe
From legendary comedian D.L. Hughley comes a bitingly funny send-up of the Obama years, as “told” by the key political players on both sides of the aisle.
What do the Clintons, Republicans, fellow Democrats, and Obama’s own family really think of President Barack Obama? Finally, the truth is revealed in this raucously funny “oral history” parody.
There is no more astute—and hilarious—critic of politics, entertainment, and race in America than D. L. Hughley, famed comedian, radio star, and original member of the “Kings of Comedy.” In the vein of Jon Stewart’s America: The Book, Black Man, White House is an acerbic and witty take on Obama’s two terms, looking at the president’s accomplishments and foibles through the imagined eyes of those who saw history unfold.
Hughley draws upon satirical interviews with the most notorious public figures of our day: Mitt Romney (“What’s ‘poverty’? Is that some sort of rap jargon?”); Nancy Pelosi (“I play F**k/Marry/Kill, and there’s a lot more kills than fu**ks in Congress, believe me.”); Rod Blagojevich (“You can’t sell political offices on eBay; I discovered that personally.”); Joe Biden (“I like wrestling.”); and other politicians, media pundits, and buffoons. It is sure to be the most irreverent—and perhaps the most honest—look at American politics today.
To survive, the right must learn how to express nonliberal principles as effectively as possible, and persuade others of their point of view. It is an art that demands patience, research, humor, understanding, creative thinking, learning from your opponent and even mimicking their tactics.
In How to Be Right: the Art of Being Persuasively Correct, Gutfeld reveals the strategies that have helped him keep a steady job for almost three decades. From “Discard Your Outrage” and “Outcompassion Them” To “Find the Right’s Obama” and “Use your Mom,” Gutfeld gives readers the tools they’ll need to argue, influence, and convince their friends, family and foes throughout the 2016 election cycle.
From the Hardcover edition.
Remember the things Mother used to say? Erma Bombeck remembers them all and now she's using them on her own kids! With clever illustrations by Bob Keane, these really funny, too-true observations on family and kids and why it shouldn't work but does, is a wonderful antitdote to the daily problems and crises that every family faces. With Erma Bombeck in your corner, laughter is the best coach you can have....
¸ What makes people want to eat animals they would never consider petting?
¸ Where do the World's Three Most Boring People meet?
¸ Why is Colorado freezing so many human gonads?
¸ And just how does Oprah have the power to turn a 1957 Hotpoint toaster manual into a #1 bestseller?
From the Trade Paperback edition.
Pat Buchanan: becomes the first politician ever to choose a black hat over a white one.
Phil Gramm: spends twenty million dollars to convince voters of his fiscal responsibility.
John McCain: makes the fatal mistake of actually speaking his mind.
Alan Keyes: checks out of a New Hampshire hotel and tells the manager another candidate will be paying his bill.
Steve Forbes: refuses to answer questions about his father's motorcycles.
Bob Dole: marches through the campaign without ever seeming to care.
Losers is a wickedly funny, unflinching look at how America really goes about choosing a President.
From the Trade Paperback edition.
Pulitzer Prize–winner Art Spiegelman's introduction places Seuss firmly in the pantheon of the leading political cartoonists of our time.
* The British Parliament passes the Stamp Act, having the American colonies pay for their own defense—which instead starts a revolution.
* In 1929, President Herbert Hoover decides to let the economy fix itself…and the Great Depression gets greater.
* Nixon tapes everything he says in the Oval Office, believing it will all be of great historical value. He turns out to be right when those same tapes cost him his presidency.
* Charles the First cuts a deal with the Irish to fight Parliament that instead loses him public support—and later his head.
Along with 100 Mistakes that Changed the World, Trust Me, I Know What I'm Doing proves once again that when global leaders drop the ball, the whole world shakes. With a hundred more bombshell blunders—from Pickett’s Charge to the Lewinski scandal—this compendium takes a fascinating look at some of history’s greatest turns for the worse.
Fortunately for us, he had to settle for writing. From his early pieces for the National Lampoon, through his classic reporting as Rolling Stone’s International Affairs editor in the 80s and 90s, and his brilliant, inimitable political journalism and analysis, P.J. has been entertaining and provoking readers with high octane prose, a gonzo Republican attitude and a rare ability to make you laugh out loud. Chris Buckley once described his work as “S.J. Perlman on acid” and when Penguin first published its Dictionary of Modern Humorous Quotations PJ had more entries than any living writer.
For the first time Thrown Under the Omnibus brings together his funniest, most outrageous, most controversial and most loved pieces in the definitive P.J. reader. Handpicked and introduced by the humorist himself, Thrown Under the Omnibus is the essential P.J. O’Rourke anthology.
Senator Al Franken, or Dr. Al Franken, as he prefers to be called, has written the first truly indispensable book of the new millennium. Filled with wisdom, observations, and practical tips you can put to work right away, Oh, the Things I Know! is a cradle-to-grave guide to living, an easy-to-follow user's manual for human existence.
What does a megasuccess like Al Franken—bestselling author, Emmy-award winning television star, sitting U.S. Senator, and honorary Ph.D.—have to say to ordinary people like you? Well, as Dr. Al himself says, "There's no point in getting advice from hopeless failures."
Join Mr. Franken—sorry, Dr. Franken—on a journey that will take you from your first job ("Oh, Are You Going to Hate Your First Job!"), through the perils and pitfalls of your twenties and thirties ("Oh, the Person of Your Dreams vs. the Person You Can Actually Attract!"), into the joys of marriage and parenthood ("Oh, Just Looking at Your Spouse Will Make Your Skin Crawl!"), all the way to the golden years of senior citizenship ("Oh, the Nursing Home You'll Wind Up In!"). Don't travel life's lonesome highway by yourself. Take Al Franken along, if not as an infallible guide, then at least as a friend who will make you laugh.
Both Trudeau and his fans have followed Doonesbury's ever-expanding cast through four decades of cultural turbulence and change. With its arresting cover and rich interior, Red Rascal's War showcases the most recent additions to a body of work the New York Times admiringly refers to as "a sprawling masterwork."
"[Trudeau is] Dickensian in his range of characters," writes Garry Wills in The New York Review of Books. "Trudeau has just kept improving, year after year, in part because he stays so close to changing events. . . . He has never been better than in the last six years."
From the exploits of Afghan legend-in-chief Sorkh Razil to the pipe dreams of Malibu's top nanny Zonker Harris, and from the "no more chill pills" intervention by Obama's aides to the way-cool love of a headbanging war vet and his MIT-grad gal, Doonesbury marches wildly on.
"What else is guaranteed to make you think, feel nostalgic, and laugh out loud at least once a page?" --Karen Holt, O Magazine
Now Trillin selects the best of his funny stuff and organizes it into topics like high finance (“My long-term investment strategy has been criticized as being entirely too dependent on Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes”) and the literary life (“The average shelf life of a book is somewhere between milk and yogurt.”)
In Quite Enough of Calvin Trillin, the author deals with such subjects as the horrors of witnessing a voodoo economics ceremony and the mystery of how his mother managed for thirty years to feed her family nothing but leftovers (“We have a team of anthropologists in there now looking for the original meal”) and the true story behind the Shoe Bomber: “The one terrorist in England with a sense of humor, a man known as Khalid the Droll, had said to the cell, ‘I bet I can get them all to take off their shoes in airports.’ ” He remembers Sarah Palin with a poem called “On a Clear Day, I See Vladivostok” and John Edwards with one called “Yes, I Know He’s a Mill Worker’s Son, but There’s Hollywood in That Hair.”
In this, the definitive collection of his humor, Calvin Trillin is prescient, insightful, and invariably hilarious.
From the Hardcover edition.
THE FIGHT TO FIX AMERICA—
BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE.
In the words of Harvard economist Niall Ferguson, the United States is “an empire on the edge of chaos.” Why? Glenn Beck thinks the answer is pretty simple: Because we’ve turned our backs on the Constitution.
Yes, our country is financially broke, but that’s just a side effect of our broken spirit, our broken faith in government, the broken promises by our leaders, and a broken political system that has centralized power at the expense of individual rights.
There is a lot of work ahead, but we can’t move forward until we first understand how we got here. Starting with the American Revolution, Glenn takes readers on an express train through 234 years of history, culminating with the Great Recession and the bipartisan recklessness of Presidents Bush and Obama. It’s the history lesson we all wished we’d had in school. (Did you know, for example, that FDR once made a key New Deal policy decision based on his lucky number?)
Along the way, you’ll see how everything you thought you knew about the political parties is a lie, how Democrats and Republicans alike used to fight for minimum government and maximum freedom, and how both parties have been taken over by a cancer called “progressivism.” By the end, you’ll understand why no president, no congress and no court can fix this problem alone. Looking toward them for answers is like looking toward the ocean for drinking water— it looks promising, but the end result is catastrophic.
After revealing the trail of lies that brought us here, Broke exposes the truth about what we’re really facing. Most people have seen pieces of the puzzle, but very few have ever seen the whole picture—and for very good reason: Our leaders have done everything in their power to hide it. If Americans understood how dire things really are, they would be demanding radical reform right now. Despite the rhetoric, that’s not the kind of change our politicians really believe in.
Finally, Broke provides the hope that comes with knowing the truth. Once you see what we’re really up against, it’s much easier to develop a realistic plan. To fix ourselves financially, Glenn argues, we have to fix ourselves first. That means some serious introspection and, ultimately, a series of actions that will unite all Americans around the concept of shared sacrifice. After all, this generation may not be asked to storm beaches, but we are being asked to do something just as critical to preserving freedom.
Packed with great stories from history, chalkboard-style teachable moments, custom illustrations, and Glenn Beck’s trademark combination of entertainment and enlightenment, Broke makes the case that when you’re traveling in the wrong direction, slight course corrections won’t cut it—you need to take drastic action. Through a return to individual rights, an uncompromising adherence to the Constitution, and a complete rethinking about the role of government in a free society, Glenn exposes the idea of “transformation” for the progressive smokescreen that it is, and instead builds a compelling case that restoration is the only way forward.
LOS ANGELES TIMES
This time Dave Barry's subject is history, the way it's never been told before. Every single momentous event and crucial moment is covered, including...The Birthing Contractions of a Nation; Kicking Some British Butt; The Fifties: Peace, Prosperity, Brain Death, right up through the scintillating Reagan-Bush years. If you love to laugh, and you love your country, this is the book you've been waiting for since 1776. Or at least since Super Bowl III.
From the Trade Paperback edition.
* After revealing absurd 911 phone calls and America's dumbest criminal antics, former Saturday Night Live writer Leland Gregory skewers political pandering and pen-pushing philosophizing.
Leland Gregory generates the best laughs by exposing the worst of human nature. Inside Idiots in Charge: Lies, Trick, Misdeeds, and Other Political Untruthiness Gregory offers more than 250 accounts of bumbling bureaucrats on both sides of political party lines:
* David Spellman became mayor of Black Hawk, Colo., on July 12, 2006, a week after pleading guilty to felony menacing and third-degree assault for pistol-whipping his wife with a handgun and firing three shots in 2005.
* County officials in Vermillion, Ind., were told by state homeland security officials in July 2006 to stop using the special emergency-only highway message boards to advertise their charity fish fries and spaghetti dinners.
* District 1 Town Councilor David Watson resigned from his position as council vice chairman on January 23, 2007, after unintentionally forwarding an e-mail to 18 members of the New Elementary School Building Committee. The e-mail contained nine embedded images of topless women under the heading "This Is National Women's Breast Awareness Day." The only other text in the e-mail read, "Beats . . . Martin Luther King Day, doesn't it?"
A twist of fate brings B. D. to the bedside of SFC Leo Deluca (a.k.a. Toggle), a young HUMV driver and headbanger whose love of ear-bleed battle music had sonically distracted him enough to get his vehicle blown up. Missing an eye and suffering from aphasia, Toggle fights to recover from traumatic brain injury (TBI), a journey of recovery that brings out the best in B. D., his former commander. Toggle's tattooed, metalhead mom initially has reservations about his improbable Facebook romance with an MIT tech-head named Alex, but love blooms. As this engaging story unfolds, Toggle finds himself drawn toward a career in the recording industry, undaunted by the limitations of the New Normal that now defines his life.
Crafted with the same kind of insight, humor, and respect that prompted the Pentagon and the VA to host signings of the two previous books in the trilogy, Signature Wound is a perceptive and timely look at the contemporary soldier's experience.
Gleeful, naughty, sometimes perverted-like so many of the crowned heads themselves-A Treasury of Royal Scandals presents the best (the worst?) of royal misbehavior through the ages. From ancient Rome to Edwardian England, from the lavish rooms of Versailles to the dankest corners of the Bastille, the great royals of Europe have excelled at savage parenting, deadly rivalry, pathological lust, and meeting death with the utmost indignity-or just very bad luck.
The solution to your problems has plopped right in your lap. Mama is running for president!
Discover How President Thelma Harper would handle:Immigration—I’ll tell you how we solve the problem at our border: build senior citizen housing all along the American side. No one sees more than a nosy old lady peeking through her window blinds. Emergency Preparedness—Emergency response should be in the hands of the experts who have the resources and determination to respond quickly. I’m talking about Domino’s and Pizza Hut. Airport Security—As long as we have to take our shoes off, I will install a shoe-buffing brush inside the X-ray machine so your shoes will get a little shine as they go through. Animals—If I have a dog at the White House, I will have it spayed or neutered to control its sex drive, which is something that might have been a good idea for some of our previous presidents.
Thelma Harper is running for president, and the free world will never be the same!
The children ask questions: “Why did you want to be president?” “Do you think you could pass a law making chocolate a vegetable in our country?” They give suggestions: “I think you should fix things in the world to be more fair.” They offer advice: “You should bring a yo-yo to the White House.” They share hopes: “I want you to care about schools. I am in kindergarten.” They even volunteer expertise: “I will help you learn to bowl because you don’t know how to bowl.”
Whether discussing such weighty issues as the “econimical” crisis, the environment, and alternative energy or simply giving shout-outs to First Daughters Sasha and Malia, these kid correspondents express, as only children can, pure optimism, avid curiosity, and unadulterated elation about this historic moment. Complete with original illustrations by the letter writers themselves, and wonderful reproductions of some of the kids’ handwritten messages, this marvelous book–a true message of hope for our time–is a keepsake for the whole family to enjoy.
From the Hardcover edition.
Politicians who say anything and do nothing . . . People lamenting Constitutional rights they don’t have . . . Protesters equating everyone to Hitler . . . Teeth-gritting partisans! Tax-evading congressmen! Fact-evading Americans! If you’re incredibly disenchanted, if you feel that this great country of ours is suffering from chronic bullsh*t at the federal, state, and local levels, good news: Not only are you in good company, but here’s a book to make you feel a little bit better—
THE B. S. OF A.!
Whether you voted for “hope” in 2008, or “change” in 2010, odds are you’re feeling a tad despondent. Here at last is a straight-talking, partisan-busting look at politics from humorist Brian Sack, who mercilessly pokes fun at The B.S. of A. with a double helping of objectivity and wit, pulling no punches and giving partisans, politicians, and their politics a well-deserved shellacking.
The B.S. of A. takes full advantage of our poorly understood First Amendment to fearlessly cut through the bull on both sides of the aisle and ask serious questions: Why does this enormous country have only two real parties? How does a bad idea become a terrible law with a misleading name? How can you identify the Seven Habits of Highly Partisan People? What’s the deal with this Constitution thing people keep citing? Can we stop comparing people we don’t like to Hitler?
You’ll find a handy glossary to thoroughly expand your political vocabulary. And, perhaps most important, you’re guaranteed to finish this book with a complete understanding of how to solve America’s biggest issues—including gun control and abortion!*
The B.S. of A.: You’re in it, so get to know it.
*Actually, these issues can’t be solved. Their complexity was misunderestimated.
Maher first came to national attention as the host of the hit ABC-TV program Politically Incorrect, where he offered a combustible mixture of irreverence and acerbic humor that helped him to garner a loyal following, as well as a reputation for being a controversial bad boy.
Bill Maher's popular new HBO television show, Real Time, has put Maher more front and center than ever before. Particularly one regular segment on the show, entitled "New Rules," has been a hit with his ever-growing legion of fans. It is the part of the show during which Maher takes serious aim, bringing all of his intelligence, incisiveness, wit, and his signature exasperation to bear on topics ranging from cell phones ("I don't need my cell phone to take pictures or access the Internet. I just need it to make a phone call. From everywhere! Not just the places it likes!") to fast food ("No McDonald's in hospitals. I'm not kidding!) to the conservative agenda ("Stop claiming it's an agenda. It's not an agenda. It's a random collection of laws that your corporate donors paid you to pass.").
His bestselling book, New Rules, brings these brilliantly conceived riffs and rants to the written page. This new edition of the book, in paperback for the first time, also features some brand-new material not found in the hardcover.
—Jules Feiffer on Doonesbury
This all-color volume celebrates the marriage of Alex and Toggle, an event which optimistically confirms that life, like Doonesbury, rolls on. Indeed, how remarkable that the strip has so embraced and occupied its era that three generations of one family have married within its panels. Gathering their kith and kin around them at Walden, the wise but wounded soldier-artist and the brilliant but insecure techhead make a promising team for the years ahead, well-rounded yet squared away.
Doonesbury’s fifth decade finds the largest rep company in the history of comic strips fully and widely engaged. Like so many flesh-and-blood fellow citizens, key characters now struggle with dramatic career change and job stress. And the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan continue to reverberate through the lives of others, as the strip illuminates their experiences with an attentiveness unparalleled in popular culture. Amid the relentless unfolding of unexpected storylines, the strip’s second and third generation characters increasingly take center stage, and the youngest regular, Sam, comes of age—literally in the blink of an eye—as the newlyweds prepare to welcome twins.
It never ends, and how lucky for readers. “Most comic strips run out of creative energy after their initial inspiration,” notes Garry Wills. “Trudeau has just kept improving, year after year.”
A little humor is a deadly thing to liberals. Global warming is a religion. School vouchers are a greater threat than terrorism. They see racism everywhere. Fracking is Frankensteinian. Anything good for America is bad. Wright shares his strategies with you on how to make your way through that world, and have a great time while doing it.
He suggests profiting like Al “Jazeera” Gore from the unwinnable fight against climate change and sneaking plastic bottles into your liberal neighbors’ paper-only bin in the dead of night.
It would be prudent to slip this book into that jacket your child made at preschool. If you are reading it on a tablet, be prepared to press the “Bats Endangered” button if you sense someone peeking.
Finally, here’s Who Hates Whom—a handy, often stunning guide to the world’s recent conflicts, from the large and important to the completely absurd.
• Which countries are fighting over an uninhabitable glacier with no real strategic value—at an annual cost of half a billion dollars?
• Which underreported war has been the deadliest since World War II—worse even than Vietnam—with a continuing aftermath worse than most current conflicts combined?
• Which royal family members were respected as gods—until the crown prince machine-gunned the king and queen?
• Which country’s high school students think the Nazis had a “good side”? Which nation’s readers recently put Mein Kampf on the bestseller list? And which other country watches itself with four million security cameras? (Hint: All three are U.S. allies.)
Detailed with more than fifty original maps, photographs, and illustrations, Who Hates Whom summarizes more than thirty global hotspots with concise essays, eye-catching diagrams, and (where possible) glimmers of kindness and hope.
In which bodies of water can you find most of the world’s active pirates? Which dictatorship is bulldozing its own villages? Where exactly are Waziristan, Bangsamoro, Kurdistan, Ituri, Baluchistan, and Jubaland—and how will they affect your life and security? Find out in Who Hates Whom, a seriously amusing look at global humanity—and the lack thereof.
From the Trade Paperback edition.
Public education in the United States is in such pitiful shape, the president wants to replace it. Test results from Canadian public schools indicate that Canadian students are at least better at taking tests than their American cousins. On both sides of the border, education is rapidly giving way to job training, and learning how to think for yourself and for the sake of dipping into the vast ocean of human knowledge is going distinctly out of fashion.
It gets worse, says Laura Penny, university lecturer and scathingly funny writer. Paradoxically, in the two nations that have among the best universities, libraries, and research institutions in the world, intellectuals are largely distrusted and yelping ignoramuses now clog the arenas of public discourse.
A brilliant defence of the humanities and social sciences, More Money Than Brains takes a deadly and extremely funny aim at those who would dumb us down.
From the Hardcover edition.
Few comics make the transition from stage to page as smoothly or successfully as George Carlin. Brain Droppings spent a total of 40 weeks on the New York Times bestseller list, and this new one is certain to tickle even more ribs (and rattle a few more cages) with its characteristically ironic take on life's annoying universal truths.
In Napalm & Silly Putty, Carlin doesn't steer clear of the tough issues, preferring instead to look life boldly in the eye to pose the questions few dare to ask:
How can it be a spy satellite if they announce on TV that it's a spy satellite? Why do they bother saying "raw sewage"? Do some people cook that stuff? In the expression "topsy-turvy," what exactly is meant by "turvy"?And he makes some startling observations, including:
Most people with low self-esteem have earned it. Guys don't seem to be called "Lefty" anymore. Most people don't know what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.Carlin also waxes wickedly philosophical on all sorts of subjects, including:
KIDS--They're not all cute. In fact, if you look at them closely, some of them are rather unpleasant looking. And a lot of them don't smell too good either. DEATH ROW--If you're condemned to die they have to give you one last meal of your own request. What is that all about? A group of people plan to kill you, so they want you to eat something you like?Add to the mix "The Ten Most Embarrassing Songs of All Time," "The 20th Century Hostility Scoreboard," and "People I Can Do Without," and you have an irresistibly insouciant assortment of musings, questions, assertions, and assumptions guaranteed to please the millions of fans waiting for the next Carlin collection--and the millions more waiting to discover this comic genius.
The author of the wildly popular Seattle Weekly advice column teaches Americans everywhere how to embrace their inner leftist. Artfully balancing the cosmic with the cosmopolitan, the Uptight Seattleite (aka Adrian) delights his loyal readers each week with snide insight on everything from fashion ("Can I pull off a Rasta beret?") to ear-bud etiquette. In A Sensitive Liberal's Guide to Life, he brings his savvy smugness to his widest audience yet, on topics such as the hierarchy of transportation righteousness (what to do with the clunky old Subaru after purchasing a Prius) and ethical behavior at the grocery store, including how to handle the horror forgetting to bring your reusable burlap sack.
Other day-to-day advice covers what to read on the bus (Vonnegut versus The Kite Runner versus The Economist) and feasting at the buffet of diversity, with tips for shooting a condescending smile at those who don't know how to use chopsticks. The Uptight Seattleite also helps readers navigate the big issues, such as responsible parenting (which calls for a mini-landfill kit, perfect for the backyard and ready to be stuffed with environmentally unfriendly diapers). For every insecure liberal-and those who love to make fun of them-the Uptight Seattleite offers us laughs from the pinnacle of political correctness.
How much does the public really know about the role of the President?
Does the White House Press Corps really understand it?
Does the President himself have a clue?
All the Presidents’ Pets is the long-awaited, spine-tingling, muckraking blockbuster from political and pop culture commentator Mo Rocca—a tour de force of investigative reporting that for the first time tells the true story of who really runs America.
From George Washington’s donkey, Royal Gift, and Rutherford B. Hayes’s Siamese cat, Miss Pussy, to Lincoln’s goats, Nanny and Nanko, and John Kennedy’s Welsh terrier, Charlie, each has left an indelible mark on the White House. (In fact, Eisenhower’s Weimaraner, Heidi, did leave a terrible stain on the Diplomatic Reception Room carpet. She was promptly exiled to Ike’s Gettysburg farm.) In All the Presidents’ Pets, Rocca lays bare the true stories of our nation’s First Pets and sheds light on the origins and evolution of presidential power.
Rocca plumbs rare sources, with the assistance of veteran White House correspondent Helen Thomas (the Stefanie Powers to his Robert Wagner), for the poop—er, scoop—on what really goes on in the West Wing. Once Helen reveals her deepest, darkest secret, the story turns dangerous. Filled with revelations and news breaks—and an unforgettable cast, including Wolf Blitzer, Ann Coulter, Sean Hannity, and a terrifying albino named Gephardt (no relation)—this is yet another story that the complacent Washington press corps missed.
Forget Paul O’Neill. Richard Clarke? Who’s that? All the Presidents’ Pets is the groundbreaking political book that Bob Woodward could have written had he just spent a little less time with the President and a little more time with Barney.
“Some will consider this satire. Mo Rocca describes how U.S. political policy has been guided by presidential pets for more than two hundred years. Oh, and I suppose you have a better explanation?” —P. J. O’Rourke
“All the Presidents’ Pets is a deeply probing, thoroughly engaging account about how the media has uniformly overlooked the White House pet phenomenon to the detriment of our national memory. Thanks to Mo Rocca, no serious political commentator can properly analyze the Bush Administration without taking into consideration ‘The Barney Factor.’ And, for good measure, he has broken the story of Helen Thomas’s lair, a cosmic revelation that will force historians to reinterpret presidencies dating as far back as James Garfield’s tenure.”—Douglas Brinkley, Professor of History and Director of the Eisenhower Center for American Studies, University of New Orleans
“A freaky, phantasmagoric trip through the secret history of presidential pets.”—Robert Siegel, former editor in chief of The Onion
Never shy about commenting on sensitive and controversial political and social events, Prickly City is timely and humorous. This first collection of the conservative strip draws from today's political current and readers plenty of reasons to laugh.
Carmen, a straightforward, sensible kid, and her unlikely best friend, Winslow the innocent coyote pup, frolic and tussle in the American Southwest while discussing such hot-button issues such as condoms in schools, violent video games, gay marriage, and highly contested presidential campaigns. As Carmen might say, "We may not be correct but we will always be right."
Prickly City creator Scott Stantis has emerged as an up-and-coming conservative social and political voice.
Colmes takes on the fundamental question: How can we protect our nation without diminishing our liberties, and regain our place in the world as an example of democracy? Colmes urges Americans to see past the government's manipulation of the War on Terror to silence critics; the lies we've been force-fed about the war in Iraq and Afghanistan; and the conservative smear campaign that has turned "liberal" into a four-letter word. From debunking the myth of the liberal media to exposing conservative hypocrisy, Colmes presents the issues with thoughtful, provocative arguments, hard facts and logic, and searing humor.
Certain to spark debate and cause readers to reevaluate and reaffirm their beliefs, Red, White & Liberal powerfully argues that despite our differences, we must extend our hands across party lines to find solutions, protect our shores, and preserve our freedoms.
What Dave Barry did for the men's movement in his Complete Guide to Guys and for foreign relations when he did Japan he now does for . . . everything in America. The rapacious observer of Tupperware ladies and leisure concept salesmen sounds off on:
Football--Football is more than just a game. It is a potential opportunity to see a live person lying on the ground with a bone sticking out of his leg, while the fans, to show their appreciation, perform "the wave."
Sailing--There's nothing quite like getting out on the open sea, where you can forget about the hassles and worries of life on land, and concentrate on the hassles and worries of life on the sea, such as death by squid.
Gambling--Off-Track Betting parlors are the kinds of places where you never see signs that say, "Thank You for Not Smoking." The best you can hope for is, "Thank You for Not Spitting Pieces of Your Cigar on My Neck."
"The good news: he's funny as ever. The bad news: the book is only 304 pages."
--Los Angeles Daily News
From the Paperback edition.
It seemed like the end for the United States of America. We would crumble in the hands of vicious, superstitious dimwits determined to hunt "ter'ists" or other figments of Bush's rotten mind. There was nothing left to do but head to Whole Foods to prepare our organic, sustainable, fair-trade last meal as the country ended around us. Despair had overtaken us, and we wondered aloud whether we could ever feel hope again.
And then a man emerged who firmly answered, "Yes we can!"
Oh, but Barack Obama was no mere man. He was a paragon of intelligence and civilized society. A savior to the world's depressed. A lightbringer. A genius thinking thoughts the common man could never hope to comprehend. And his words -- his beautiful words read from crystal panes -- reached down to our souls and told us all would be well. With the simple act of casting a ballot for Barack Obama, we could make the world an immeasurably better place -- a world of peace, of love, of understanding, of unicorns, of rainbows, of expanded entitlements. This was his promise. And now, having had him as president for more than two years, we can say without reservation that he has delivered all his promises and more and is the best president this country -- or any country -- has ever had or could even imagine to have.
“I believe America is the solution to the world’s problems.” —Rush Limbaugh
“SHUT THE F#CK UP.” —D. L. Hughley
The American dream is in dire need of a wake-up call. A f*cked up society is like an addict: if you are in denial, then things are going to keep getting worse until you hit bottom. According to D. L. Hughley, that's the direction in which America is headed.
In I Want You to Shut the F*ck Up, D.L. explains how we've become a nation of fat sissies playing Chicken Little, but in reverse: The sky is falling, but we're supposed to act like everything's fine. D.L. just points out the sobering facts: there is no standard of living by which we are the best. In terms of life expectancy, we're 36th--tied with Cuba; in terms of literacy, we're 20th--behind Kazakhstan. We sit here laughing at Borat, but the Kazakhs are sitting in their country reading.
Things are bad now and they're only going to get worse. Unless, of course, you sit down, shut the f*ck up, and listen to what D. L. Hughley has to say. I Want You to Shut the F*ck Up is a slap to the political senses, a much needed ass-kicking of the American sense of entitlement. In these pages, D. L. Hughley calls it like he sees it, offering his hilarious yet insightful thoughts on:
- Our supposedly post-racial society
- The similarities between America the superpower and the drunk idiot at the bar
- Why Bill Clinton is more a product of a black upbringing than Barack Obama
- That apologizing is not the answer to controversy, especially when you meant what you said
- Why civil rights leaders are largely to blame for black people not being represented on television
- Why getting your ghetto pass revoked should be seen as a good thing, not something to be ashamed of
- And how hard it is to be married to a black woman
Have you ever wondered why some of the biggest problems we face, from illegal immigration to global warming to poverty, never seem to get fixed? The reason is simple: the solutions just aren't very convenient. Fortunately, radio and television host Glenn Beck doesn't care much about convenience; he cares about common sense.
Take the issue of poverty, for example. Over the last forty years, America's ten poorest cities all had one simple thing in common, but self-serving politicians will never tell you what that is (or explain how easy it would be to change): Glenn Beck will (see chapter 20).
Global warming is another issue that's ripe with lies and distortion. How many times have you heard that carbon dioxide is responsible for huge natural disasters that have killed millions of people? The truth is, it's actually the other way around: as CO2 has increased, deaths from extreme weather have decreased. Bet you'll never see that in an Al Gore slide show.
An Inconvenient Book contains hundreds of these same "why have I never heard that before?" types of facts that will leave you wondering how political correctness, special interests, and outright stupidity have gotten us so far away from the commonsense solutions this country was built on.
As the host of a nationally syndicated radio show, The Glenn Beck Program, and a prime-time television show on CNN Headline News, Glenn Beck combines a refreshing level of honesty with a biting sense of humor and a lot of research to find solutions that will open your eyes while entertaining you along the way.
“I don't know much about Americanism, but it's a damn good word with which to carry an election.” —W. G. Harding
“I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.” —Jimmy Carter
“I always figured the American public wanted a solemn ass for president, so I went along with them.” —C. Coolidge
“If I don't have a woman for three days, I get terrible headaches.”—John F. Kennedy