How Will You Survive?
In the apocalyptic world we live in, Mother Nature is angry. Danger waits at every turn, and catastrophes like the Los Angeles sharknados have taught us that we need to be ready for anything. Too many lives have already been lost.
But fear not. How to Survive a Sharknado and Other Unnatural Disasters is the first and only comprehensive guide to surviving the very worst that Mother Nature can throw our way. Inside this life-saving reference, you’ll find:
• Vital information about dozens of unnatural disasters and ungodly monsters that can injure, maim, or kill you, from arachnoquakes and ice twisters to piranhacondas and mega pythons;
• Easy-to-understand survival tips for avoiding a bloody demise;
• Inspirational words of wisdom from survivors, including Fin Shepard and April Wexler;
• Useful resources, such as the Shepard Survival Assessment Test (S.S.A.T), and much more.
With this essential book in hand, you too can be a hero who laughs in the face of calamity while saving friends and family. Or you can just avoid getting savagely ripped apart by a robocroc. Either way, you’ve been warned. Now be prepared.
Sharknado 2: The Second One premieres July 30 at 9/8c on Syfy!
Fully illustrated and exhaustively comprehensive, this book covers everything you need to know, including how to understand zombie physiology and behavior, the most effective defense tactics and weaponry, ways to outfit your home for a long siege, and how to survive and adapt in any territory or terrain.
Top 10 Lessons for Surviving a Zombie Attack
1. Organize before they rise!
2. They feel no fear, why should you?
3. Use your head: cut off theirs.
4. Blades don’t need reloading.
5. Ideal protection = tight clothes, short hair.
6. Get up the staircase, then destroy it.
7. Get out of the car, get onto the bike.
8. Keep moving, keep low, keep quiet, keep alert!
9. No place is safe, only safer.
10. The zombie may be gone, but the threat lives on.
Don’t be carefree and foolish with your most precious asset—life. This book is your key to survival against the hordes of undead who may be stalking you right now without your even knowing it. The Zombie Survival Guide offers complete protection through trusted, proven tips for safeguarding yourself and your loved ones against the living dead. It is a book that can save your life.
Everyone’s life is governed by an internal code of conduct. Some call it morality. Others call it religion. But Bros in the know call this Holy Grail The Bro Code.
The Bro Code is a living document, much like the Constitution. Except instead of outlining a government, or the Bill of Rights, or anything even resembling laws, The Bro Code provides men with all the rules they need to know in order to become a “bro” and behave properly among other bros. Historically a spoken tradition passed from one generation to the next and dating back to the American Revolution, the official code of conduct for Bros appears here in its published form for the first time ever. By upholding the tenets of this sacred and legendary document, any dude can learn to achieve Bro-dom.
Containing approximately 150 “unspoken” rules, this code of conduct for bros can range from the simple (bros before hos) to the complex (the hot-to-crazy ratio, complete with bar graphs and charts). With helpful sidebros The Bro Code will help any ordinary guy become the best bro he can be. Let ultimate bro and coauthor Barney Stinson and his book, The Bro Code share their wisdom, lest you be caught making eye contact in a devil’s three-way (two dudes, duh).
What do René Descartes, John Locke, Jean-Jacques Rousseau, and Jean-Paul Sartre have in common? That’s right: they were all hopeless failures when it came to romance. Author Andrew Shaffer explores the paradox at the core of Western philosophical thought—that history’s greatest thinkers were also the most pathetic lovers to ever walk the earth. With razor-sharp wit and probing insight, Shaffer shows how it’s the philosophers’ missteps, as much as their musings, that are able to truly boggle the intellect.
“Hell no, you can’t go to the bathroom. You know where you can go? The f**k to sleep.”
Go the Fuck to Sleep is a book for parents who live in the real world, where a few snoozing kitties and cutesy rhymes don’t always send a toddler sailing blissfully off to dreamland. Profane, affectionate, and radically honest, it captures the familiar—and unspoken—tribulations of putting your little angel down for the night.
Read by a host of celebrities, from Samuel L. Jackson to Jennifer Garner, this subversively funny bestselling storybook will not actually put your kids to sleep, but it will leave you laughing so hard you won’t care.
Literary Rogues is a wildly funny and illuminating history and analysis of the bad boys and girls of lit, from the author of Great Philosophers Who Failed at Love
Part nostalgia, part serious history of Western literary movements, Literary Rogues: A Scandalous History of Wayward Authors is a raucous celebration of oft-vilified writers and their work, brimming with interviews, research, and personality.
Behold the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM), today’s fastest growing carbohydrate-based religion. According to church founder Bobby Henderson, the universe and all life within it were created by a mystical and divine being: the Flying Spaghetti Monster. What drives the FSM’ s devout followers, a.k.a. Pastafarians? Some say it’s the assuring touch from the FSM’s “noodly appendage.” Then there are those who love the worship service, which is conducted in pirate talk and attended by congregants in dashing buccaneer garb. Still others are drawn to the Church’s flimsy moral standards, religious holidays every Friday, or the fact that Pastafarian heaven is way cooler: Does your heaven have a Stripper Factory and a Beer Volcano? Intelligent Design has finally met its match—and it has nothing to do with apes or the Olive Garden of Eden.
Within these pages, Bobby Henderson outlines the true facts– dispelling such malicious myths as evolution (“only a theory”), science (“only a lot of theories”), and whether we’re really descended from apes (fact: Humans share 95 percent of their DNA with chimpanzees, but they share 99.9 percent with pirates!)
See what impressively credentialed top scientists have to say:
“If Intelligent Design is taught in schools, equal time should be given to the FSM theory and the non-FSM theory.”
–Professor Douglas Shaw, Ph.D.
“Do not be hypocritical. Allow equal time for other alternative ‘theories’ like FSMism, which is by far the tastier choice.”
–J. Simon, Ph.D.
“In my scientific opinion, when comparing the two theories, FSM theory seems to be more valid than classic ID theory.”
–Afshin Beheshti, Ph.D.
Read the book and decide for yourself!
"It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like F*ck This" is an off-beat collection of Christmas parodies, essays, poems, and cartoons by New York Times bestselling humorist Andrew Shaffer.
Previously published as "The Shelf on the Elf," this newly-expanded holiday cult classic has it all: holiday pickles, regret, talking lambs, and knife-wielding maniacs.
The America We Deserve is the essential book for anyone who wants to understand the core of Donald Trump's political thinking. In this book, written as he first considered running for president in 2000, Trump offers no-nonsense, populist, provocative, and dramatic solutions to issues that continue to resonate with voters today.
In this book, Trump lays out a vision for America that is strong, optimistic, and founded on core Republican principles of self-reliance, limited governance, economic growth, and equitable taxation. Striking for its similarities to President Trump's current initiatives--but also fascinating in its differences--The America We Deserve reveals a man who is fully engaged with the nation and cares deeply about its future. Readers and voters will discover Trump's ideas on:
*Foreign policy and relations with China, Russia, North Korea, and Israel
*How to fix our broken and underperfoming education system
*Reducing regulations on business to help create jobs and economic growth
*A dramatic one-time tax on the super-wealthy to close the national debt and fuel tax cuts for the middle class
*Immigration, crime, terrorism, and more
The America We Deserve is essential reading for Trump-watchers, voters, Republicans, Democrats, and anyone interested in how Trump the businessman became Trump the president.
For years, bros, meatheads, and gym rats around the world have posed pressing questions: What can you bench? Can I skip leg day? What goes in this protein shake? And importantly—do you even lift, bro? At long last, answers to these questions and more can be found in one handy volume—THE SWOLY BIBLE, written by the Internet’s favorite gym expert/literary genius, Dom Mazzetti.
In it, Mazzetti lays out the truth about how to make gains in the gym and in your life, including:
- How to Get Hyped for a Lift
- The True Meaning of Meal Prep
- How to Eat Chicken Without Wanting to Kill Yourself
- The Best Tips for Taking a Post-Workout Selfie
- How to Get Your Girlfriend to Start Lifting
- Why Crossfitters Are the Worst
- And much more
Written in Dom’s signature comedic voice, with illustrations throughout, The Swoly Bible is the perfect gift for anyone in your #fitfam.
As Dick soon learns, the truth is far stranger. Catsby is a “furry” who spends his days and nights in a cat costume, pining away for Dick’s cousin Dandelion, a manic-pixie Brooklynite with a brutish husband. Will Catsby’s romantic obsession cost him all nine of his lives?
Over six million social media fans can’t be wrong: Miranda Sings is one of the funniest faces on YouTube. As a bumbling, ironically talentless, self-absorbed personality (a young Gilda Radner, if you will), she offers up a vlog of helpful advice every week on her widely popular YouTube channel. For the first time ever, Miranda is putting her advice to paper in this easy-to-follow guide, illustrated by Miranda herself. In it, you’ll find instructions on everything: how to get a boyfriend (wear all black and carry a fishing net), to dressing for a date (sequins and an orange tutu), to performing magic (“Magic is Lying”), and much, much more! Miranda-isms abound in these self-declared lifesaving pages, and if you don’t like it…well, as Miranda would say…“Haters, back off!”
Are you stressed out, overbooked, and underwhelmed by life? Fed up with pleasing everyone else before you please yourself? It's time to stop giving a f*ck.
This brilliant, hilarious, and practical parody of Marie Kondo's bestseller The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up explains how to rid yourself of unwanted obligations, shame, and guilt--and give your f*cks instead to people and things that make you happy.
The easy-to-use, two-step NotSorry Method for mental decluttering will help you unleash the power of not giving a f*ck about:
Family drama Having a "bikini body" Iceland Co-workers' opinions, pets, and children And other bullsh*t! And it will free you to spend your time, energy, and money on the things that really matter. So what are you waiting for? Stop giving a f*ck and start living your best life today!
In 2005, Tyler Perry took Hollywood by storm. The movie he wrote, produced, and starred in, Diary of a Mad Black Woman, opened number one at the box office and went on to gross more than $50 million. In its first week on sale, the DVD sold 2.4 million copies. At the same time, Perry was starring nightly across the country in a soldout stage show he'd also written, produced, and scored-Madea Goes to Jail-even as another one of his productions, Meet the Browns, was touring nationally. Every week in 2005, 35,000 people saw a Tyler Perry production. His second feature film, Madea's Family Reunion, opens in theaters in February 2006. Now, this triple-threat actor/playwright/director, has written his first book, and it features his most beloved, most irreverent creation: sixty-eight-year-old grandmother Madea Simmons.
Madea is at the center of all of Tyler Perry's work, and she's always unfailingly outspoken, dead-on, and hilarious. But in Don't Make a Black Woman Take Off Her Earrings, Madea shares more than she ever has before- about herself, and about what she thinks of everyone around her. The topics inimitably covered by Madea (a term of endearment for "Mother Dear") include love and marriage, child-rearing, etiquette and neighborliness, beauty tips, health tips, financial tips, the Bible and the church, and, of course, gun care. She's brazen, feisty, and never at a loss for words, but at the heart of everything she says- and at the heart of all of Perry's work-is a resounding message of faith and forgiveness.
Shockingly hilarious, surprisingly moving, and as rousing and inspiring as a great gospel show, Madea's words of wisdom, memories, and straight-up in-your-face advice will be cherished by Perry's numerous fans- and it all comes just in time for Mother's Day. Tyler Perry is about to take the publishing world by storm.
Then he made The Apprentice.
Now The Donald shows you how to make a fortune, Trump style.
HOW TO GET RICH
Real estate titan, bestselling author, and TV impresario Donald J. Trump reveals the secrets of his success in this candid and unprecedented book of business wisdom and advice. Over the years, everyone has urged Trump to write on this subject, but it wasn’t until NBC and executive producer Mark Burnett asked him to star in The Apprentice that he realized just how hungry people are to learn how great personal wealth is created and first-class businesses are run. Thousands applied to be Trump’s apprentice, and millions have been watching the program, making it the highest rated debut of the season.
In Trump: How To Get Rich, Trump tells all–about the lessons learned from The Apprentice, his real estate empire, his position as head of the 20,000-member Trump Organization, and his most important role, as a father who has successfully taught his children the value of money and hard work.
With his characteristic brass and smarts, Trump offers insights on how to
• invest wisely
• impress the boss and get a raise
• manage a business efficiently
• hire, motivate, and fire employees
• negotiate anything
• maintain the quality of your brand
• think big and live large
Plus, The Donald tells all on the art of the hair!
With his luxury buildings, award-winning golf courses, high-stakes casinos, and glamorous beauty pageants, Donald J. Trump is one of a kind in American business. Every day, he lives the American dream. Now he shows you how it’s done, in this rollicking, inspirational, and illuminating behind-the-scenes story of invaluable lessons and rich rewards.
Years before they made headlines with the Ghostbusters, Erin Gilbert and Abby L. Yates published the groundbreaking study of the paranormal, Ghosts from Our Past. Once lost to history, this criminally underappreciated book is now updated for the new century.
According to Gilbert and Yates, “extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence,” and whether you’re a believer or a skeptic, you’ll find the information you’re seeking right here in this extraordinary book, including:
• The childhood experiences that inspired Erin and Abby’s lifelong passion for the scientific study of the paranormal
• The history of ghosts and other supernatural entities, the science that explains their existence, and profiles of the groundbreaking paranormal researchers who have investigated them
• An illustrated guide to Class I through Class VII ghosts
• Helpful sidebars like “A Ghost by Any Other Name” and “Ectoplasm Cleanup Tips”
• Updates including “The Ghostbusters’ Arsenal” by Jillian Holtzmann and “Haunted History” by Patty Tolan
• A new Ghostbusting Resources appendix, featuring the “Paranormal Quickstart Guide”, “Is It a Ghost? A Handy Quiz”, “A Supernatural Stakeout Journal”, “The Devil’s Dictionary: Paraterminology You Need to Know”
With this helpful—and hilarious—official Ghostbusters guide in hand, you’ll be prepared for almost any spirit, spook, or spectre that comes your way. As for the rest, you know who to call.
Taped together so the world can read all about her life through her eyes, My Diarrhe includes pages from Miranda’s baby book, poems from her years as an emotional teen, secrets from her dating life, and stories from her rise to fame. As Miranda herself says, “It has every single secret about my life in it. My first kiss, my first period, stories about secret family members, secret photos of other celebrities, etc... so don’t read it!”
"I laughed so hard and uncontrollably I could hardly breathe. Reading this on public transport is not a good idea." (Penthouse magazine)
"Brilliantly funny." (Jezebel.com)
From the notorious Internet troublemaker who brought the world the explosively popular "Next Time I'll Spend the Money on Drugs Instead", in which he attempted to pay his chiropractor with a picture he drew of a spider; "Please Design a Logo for Me. With Pie Charts. For Free," which has been described as one of the most passed-on viral e-mails of all time; and, most recently, the staggeringly popular "Missing Missy", which has appeared everywhere from The Guardian to Jezebel to Andrew Sullivan's The Daily Dish, comes this profoundly funny collection of irreverent Internet mischief and comedy.
Featuring all of Thorne's viral success, including "Missing Missy", The Internet Is a Playground culls together every article and e- mail from Thorne's wildly popular website 27bslash6.com, as well as enough new material, available only in these pages, to keep you laughing-and, indeed, crying-until Thorne's next stroke-of-genius prank. Or hilarious hoax. Or well-publicized almost-stint in jail (really).
Now Ann Coulter, with her unique insight, candor, and sense of humor, makes the definitive case for why we should all join his revolution.
The media have twisted themselves in knots, trying to grasp how Donald Trump won over millions of Americans and what he'll be like as president.
But Ann Coulter isn't puzzled. She knows why Trump was the only one of seventeen GOP contenders who captured the spirit of our time. She gets the power of addressing the pain of the silent majority and saying things the "PC Thought Police" considers unspeakable.
She argues that a bull in the china shop is exactly what we need to make America great again.
In this powerful book, Coulter explains why conservatives, moderates, and even disgruntled Democrats should set aside their doubts and embrace Trump:
·He's putting America first in our trade deals and alliances, rather than pandering to our allies and enemies.
·He's abandoned the GOP's decades-long commitment to a bellicose foreign policy, at a time when the entire country is sick of unnecessary wars.
·He's ended GOP pandering to Hispanic activists with his hard-line policy on immigration. Working class Americans finally have a champion against open borders and cheap foreign labor.
·He's overturned the media's traditional role in setting the agenda and defining who gets to be considered "presidential."
·He's exposed political consultants as grifters and hacks, most of whom don't know real voters from a hole in the ground.
If you're already a Trump fan, Ann Coulter will help you defend and promote your position. If you're not, she might just change your mind.
There are stacks upon stacks of self-help books that will promise you love, happiness, and a fabulous life. But how can you pinpoint the exact behaviors that cause you to be miserable in the first place? Sometimes when we’re depressed, or just sad or unhappy, our instincts tell us to do the opposite of what we should—such as focusing on the negative, dwelling on what we can’t change, isolating ourselves from friends and loved ones, eating junk food, or overindulging in alcohol. Sound familiar?
This tongue-in-cheek guide will help you identify the behaviors that make you unhappy and discover how you—and only you—are holding yourself back from a life of contentment. You’ll learn to spot the tried-and-true traps that increase feelings of dissatisfaction, foster a lack of motivation, and detract from our quality of life—as well as ways to avoid them.
So, get ready to live the life you want (or not?) This fun, irreverent guide will light the way.
One day, sad cubicle dweller and otherwise bored New York transplant Hannah Hart decided, as a joke, to make a fake cooking show for her friend back in California. She turned on the camera, pulled out some bread and cheese, and then, as one does, started drinking. (Doesn't everyone cook with a spoon in one hand and a bottle of wine in the other?) The video went viral and an online sensation was born.
My Drunk Kitchen includes recipes, stories, full color photos, and drawings to inspire your own culinary adventures in tipsy cooking. It is also a showcase for Hannah Hart's great comedic voice. Hannah offers key drink recommendations, cooking tips (like, remember to turn the oven off when you go to bed) and shares never-before-seen recipes such as:The Hartwich (Knowledge is ingenuity! Learn from the past!)Can Bake (Inventing things is hard! You don't have to start from scratch!)Latke Shotkas (Plan ahead to avoid a night of dread!)Tiny Sandwiches (Size doesn't matter! Aim to satisfy.)Saltine Nachos (It's not about resources! It's about being resourceful.)
This is a book for anyone who believes they have what it takes to make a soufflé for the holiday party and show up the person who apparently has nothing better to do than bake things from scratch. It also recommends the drink you'll need to accompany any endeavor of this magnitude. In the end, My Drunk Kitchen may not be your go-to guide for your next dinner party . . . but it will make you laugh and drink . . . I mean think . . . about life.
Nineteen fabulous tales of first kisses, first loves, first … everythings.
With stories from Jennifer L. Armentrout writing as J. Lynn, Sophia Bleu, Lisa Desrochers, Cole Gibsen, A. L. Jackson, Sophie Jordan, Melissa Landers, Lauren Layne, Roni Loren, Molly McAdams, Myra McEntire, Hannah Moskowitz, Lyla Payne, Mark Perini, Carrie Ryan, Andrew Shaffer, Alessandra Thomas, and Tracy Wolff.
All compiled by Julie Cross.
The Gang may have finally found their golden ticket. Left alone to close down Paddy’s Pub one night, Charlie Kelly inadvertently scored himself, and his friends, the opportunity of a lifetime—a book deal with a real publishing company, real advance money, and a real(ly confused) editor. While his actual ability to read and write remains unclear, Charlie sealed the deal with some off-the-cuff commentary on bird law and the nuances of killing rats (and maybe with the help of some glue fumes in the basement with an unstable editor on a bender). While The Gang is stunned by the news, and the legally binding, irrevocable contract left on the bar, they are also ready to rise to the task and become millionaires—and of course, help Charlie actually write the book.
In their own inimitable voices, Charlie, Mac, Dennis, Sweet Dee, and Frank weigh in on important topics like Relationships, Financial Success and Career, Fashion and Personal Grooming, Health and Diet, and Survival Skills, providing insane advice, tips, tricks, and recipes (Rum Ham anyone?) as only they can.
Fans of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia rejoice and welcome the most influential work in the history of the written word (or at least since the script for The Nightman Cometh): The 7 Secrets of Awakening the Highly Effective Four-Hour Giant, Today.
From Roger Stone, a New York Times bestselling author, longtime political adviser and friend to Donald Trump, and consummate Republican strategist, comes the first in-depth examination of how Trump’s campaign tapped into the national mood to deliver a stunning victory that almost no one saw coming.
In the early hours of November 9, 2016, one of the most contentious, polarizing, and vicious presidential races came to an abrupt and unexpected end when heavily favored presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton called Donald J. Trump to concede, shocking a nation that had, only hours before, given little credence to his chances. Donald Trump pulled the greatest upset in American political history despite a torrent of invective and dismissal of the mainstream media.
Stone, a long time Trump retainer and confidant, gives us the inside story of how Donald Trump almost single-handedly harnessed discontent among “Forgotten Americans” despite running a guerrilla-style grass roots campaign to compete with the smooth running and free-spending Clinton political machine.
From the start, Trump’s campaign was unlike any seen on the national stage—combative, maverick, and fearless. Trump’s nomination was the hostile takeover of the Republican party and a resounding repudiation of the failed leadership of both parties whose policies have brought America to the brink of financial collapse as well as endangering our national security.
Here Stone outlines how Donald Trump skillfully ran as the anti-Open Borders candidate as well as a supporter of American sovereignty, and how he used the Globalist trade deals like NAFTA to win over three of ten Bernie Sanders supporters. The veteran adviser to Nixon, Reagan, and Trump charts the rise of the alt-conservative media and the end of the mainstream media monopoly on voter impacting information dissemination. This is an insider’s view that includes studying opposition research into Bill, Hillary, and Chelsea Clinton’s crimes, and the struggle by the Republican establishment to stop Trump and how they underestimated him. Stone chronicles Trump’s triumph in three debates where he skillfully lowered expectation levels but skewered Mrs. Clinton for the corruption of the Clinton Foundation, her mishandling of government email, and her incompetence as Secretary of State.
Stone gives us the inside word on Julian Assange, Wikileaks, Clinton campaign chief John Podesta, Huma Abedin, Anthony Weiner, Carlos Danger, Doug Band, Jeffery Epstein, and the efforts to hide the former first lady’s infirmities and health problems. Stone dissects the phony narrative that Trump was in cahoots with Russian strongman Vladimir Putin or that the e-mails released by Wikileaks came from the Russians.
The Making of the President 2016 reveals how Trump brilliantly picked at Hillary Clinton’s weaknesses, particularly her reputation as a crooked insider, and ignited the passions of out-of-work white men and women from the rust belt and beyond, at a time when millions of Americans desperately wanted change. Stone also reveals how and why the mainstream media got it wrong, including how the polls were loaded and completely misunderstood who would vote.
Stone's analysis is akin to Theodore H. White’s seminal book The Making of the President 1960. It is both a sweeping analysis of the trends that elected Trump as well as the war stories of a hard-bitten political survivor who Donald Trump called “one tough cookie."
Whose Boat Is This Boat? Comments That Don’t Help in the Aftermath of a Hurricane is a picture book made entirely of quotations from President Donald Trump in the wake of Hurricane Florence. It is the first children’s book that demonstrates what not to say after a natural disaster.
On September 19, 2018, Donald Trump paid a visit to New Bern, North Carolina, one of the towns ravaged by Hurricane Florence. It was there he showed deep concern for a boat that washed ashore. “At least you got a nice boat out of the deal,” said President Trump to hurricane victims. “Have a good time!” he told them. The only way his comments would be appropriate is in the context of a children’s book—and now you can experience them that way, thanks to the staff of The Late Show with Stephen Colbert.
Whose Boat Is This Boat? is an excellent teaching tool for readers of all ages who enjoy learning about empathy by process of elimination. Have a good time!
From his humble beginnings in a desolate Iowa coal mining town, his years at Our Lady Queen of Chewbacca High School to his odds-defying climb to the dizzying heights of becoming America’s most trusted and beloved television News Anchor, Ron Burgundy pulls no punches in Let Me Off at the Top!
In his very own words Burgundy reveals his most private thoughts, his triumphs and his disappointments. His life reads like an adventure story complete with knock-down fights, beautiful women and double-fisted excitement on every page. He has hunted jackalopes with Bobby Kennedy and Peter Lawford, had more than his share of his amorous exploits, and formed the greatest on-air team in the history of televised news. Along the way, he hobnobbed with people you wish you knew and some you honestly wish you didn’t—celebrities, presidents, presidents' wives, celebrities' wives, dogs, and, of course Veronica Corningstone, the love of his life. Walter Cronkite, Barbra Streisand, Katie Couric, the list goes on. Who didn’t Mr. Burgundy, or “Ron” as he is known to his friends, rub elbows with in the course of his colorful and often criminal life?
This may well be the most thrilling book ever written, by a man of great physical, moral and spiritual strength and not surprisingly a great literary talent as well. This book deserves a real shot at a Pulitzer Prize. In fact if it doesn’t win one then we will finally have proof that the Pulitzer is rigged.
Ron Burgundy has taken the time to write a book. We owe it to him, as honest Americans, to read it.
Romeo loves Juliet. Or Rosaline. And Juliet loves Romeo. Or Viola. Or Orlando. It's Shakespeare as you've never played him before.
In this choose-your-own-path version of Romeo and Juliet, you choose where the story goes every time you read! What if Romeo never met Juliet? What if Juliet got really buff instead of moping around the castle all day? What if they teamed up to take over Verona with robot suits? Whatever your adventure, you're guaranteed to find lots of romance, lots of epic fight scenes, and plenty of questionable decision-making by very emotional teens.
All of the endings—there are over a hundred—feature beautiful illustrations by some of the greatest artists working today, including New York Times bestsellers Kate Beaton, Noelle Stevenson, Randall Munroe, and Jon Klassen.
Packed with exciting choices, fun puzzles, secret surprises, terrible puns, and more than a billion possible storylines, Romeo and/or Juliet offers a new experience every time you read it. You can choose to play as Romeo or Juliet (obviously) but you can also play as both of them, or as Juliet's nurse, or, if you're good, you can even unlock a fourth playable character! That's right. We figured out how to have unlockable characters in books. Choose well, and you may even get to write the world's most awkward choose-your-own sex scene.
So goes the skewed sensibility, the muddied mind, the bent pen of one of America's funniest writers, Dave Barry. This time his subject is U.S. history, the way it's never been told before. Every single momentous event and crucial moment is covered, including . . .
• The Birthing Contractions of a Nation
• Kicking Some British Butt
• Barging Westward
• The Forging of a Large, Wasteful Bureaucracy
• Deep Economic Doo-doo
• The Fifties: Peace, Prosperity, Brain Death
. . . and right up through the scintillating Reagan-Bush years, during which, Mr. Barry notes, America is steadfastly Napping Toward Glory.
If you love to laugh, if you love your country, if you are unaware that “the Sixth Amendment states that if you are accused of a crime, you have a right to a trial before a jury of people too stupid to get out of jury duty,” Dave Barry Slept Here is the book you've been waiting for since 1776. Or at least since Super Bowl III.
Praise for Dave Barry Slept Here
“A dazzling performance . . . Barry is brilliant.”—The Washington Post Book World
“[Dave] Barry turns his formidable wit to the subject of American history, with a result reminiscent of the Reduced Shakespeare Company: The better you know the original, the funnier it gets.”—Los Angeles Times
“I fear that Mr. Barry's dream of making millions of dollars through mass sales of his book to a captive audience of innocent schoolchildren will not be realized, and he will have to be content with making readers laugh a lot, as this one did.”—The New York Times Book Review
What does he really stand for?
How far will he go in his pursuit of power?
THE TRUTH ABOUT TRUMP
He is one of the world’s most successful businessmen—and a man who many Americans love to hate. So how did Donald Trump become a serious contender in the race for the country’s highest office? His critics think his run for president is a marketing campaign for the Trump brand. His supporters believe that he can make America great again. The only thing both sides can agree on is that Trump is a man whose appetite for wealth, attention, power, and conquest is insatiable. In this up-close-and-personal biography, author Michael D’Antonio draws upon extensive and exclusive interviews with Trump himself to present the full story behind this American icon—from his early life to the headlines of today.
“Carefully reported and fair-minded.”—USA Today
“A brisk and entertaining read.” —The Washington Post
Previously published in hardcover as Never Enough.
YOU MIGHT BE A ZOMBIE…
You're going to wish you never picked up this book.
Some facts are too terrifying to teach in school. Unfortunately, Cracked.com is more than happy to fill you in:
* A zombie apocalypse? It could happen. 50% of humans are infected with a parasite that can take over your brain.
* The FDA wouldn't let you eat bugs, right? Actually, you might want to put down those jelly beans. And that apple. And that strawberry yogurt.
* Think dolphins are our friends? Then these sex-crazed thrill killers of the sea have you right where they want you.
* The most important discovery in the history of genetics? Francis Crick came up with it while on LSD.
* Think you're going to choose whether or not to buy this book? Scientists say your brain secretly makes all your decisions 10 seconds before you even know what they are.
If you’re a fan of The Oatmeal or Frak.com and hate being wrong about stuff, you’ll love what you find in YOU MIGHT BE A ZOMBIE from the twisted minds at Cracked.
Don't get defensive! It's not your fault. For decades your teachers, authority figures and textbooks have been lying to you. You do not have five senses. Your tongue doesn't have neatly segregated taste-bud zones. You don't know what the pyramids really looked like. You're even pooping wrong - Jesus, you're a wreck!
But it's going to be okay. Because we're here to help. Packed with more sexy facts than the Encyclopedia Pornographica, the Cracked De-Textbook will teach you about the true stars of history, why you picture everything from Velociraptors to Ancient Rome incorrectly, and finally, at long last - how to pop a proper squat. This book was built from the ground up to systematically seek out, dismantle and destroy the many untruths that years of misguided education have left festering inside of you, and leave you a smarter person...whether you like it or not. The De-Textbook is a merciless, brutal learning machine. It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are informed.
Fifty chicken recipes, each more seductive than the last, in a book that makes every dinner a turn-on.
“I want you to see this. Then you’ll know everything. It’s a cookbook,” he says and opens to some recipes, with color photos. “I want to prepare you, very much.” This isn’t just about getting me hot till my juices run clear, and then a little rest. There’s pulling, jerking, stuffing, trussing. Fifty preparations. He promises we’ll start out slow, with wine and a good oiling . . . Holy crap. “I will control everything that happens here,” he says. “You can leave anytime, but as long as you stay, you’re my ingredient.” I’ll be transformed from a raw, organic bird into something—what? Something delicious.
So begins the adventures of Miss Chicken, a young free-range, from raw innocence to golden brown ecstasy, in this spoof-in-a-cookbook that simmers in the afterglow of E.L. James’s sensational Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy. Like Anastasia Steele, Miss Chicken finds herself at the mercy of a dominating man, in this case, a wealthy, sexy, and very hungry chef.
And before long, from unbearably slow drizzling to trussing, Miss Chicken discovers the sheer thrill of becoming the main course. A parody in three acts—“The Novice Bird” (easy recipes for roasters), “Falling to Pieces” (parts perfect for weeknight meals), and “Advanced Techniques” (the climax of cooking)—Fifty Shades of Chicken is a cookbook of fifty irresistible, repertoire-boosting chicken dishes that will leave you hungry for more.
With memorable tips and revealing photographs, Fifty Shades of Chicken will have you dominating dinner.
THE DUDE ABIDES...
AND YOU CAN TOO!
When you seek salvation from this stressed out, uptight world, there's only one man to go to for guidance--the Dude. At once helpful, funny and profound (like The Big Lebowski itself), this survival guide from the founders of the Church of the Latter-Day Dude and their top disciples shows how to be as Dude-like as the Dude (well, almost):
-Secrets of sacred Dudeist practices
-The Seven Spiritual Laws of Taking it Easy
-Great Dudes who changed the world (without really trying)
-New feminist philosophy for special ladies
-The Way of the Dude applied to politics, ethics and finances
-A 12-step program for personal dudevolution
-The science of really tying your room together
All this and a lot more what-have-you. So the next time life throws you a gutterball, just pick up this book and ask, "What Would the Dude Do?" It's your answer for everything.
Replete with an astonishing assemblage of facts, illustrations, maps, charts, threats, blood, and additional fees to edify even the most simple-minded book-buyer, THE ONION BOOK OF KNOWN KNOWLEDGE is packed with valuable information-such as the life stages of an Aunt; places to kill one's self in Utica, New York; and the dimensions of a female bucket, or "pail." With hundreds of entries for all 27 letters of the alphabet, THE ONION BOOK OF KNOWN KNOWLEDGE must be purchased immediately to avoid the sting of eternal ignorance.
When The Bro Code was first published in 2008, it took the world by storm—becoming an instant New York Times bestseller and shaping the behavior and attitudes of Bros the world over. Author Barney Stinson expected nothing less.
But for some busy Bros, the standard trade paperback format was just too big and chunky to fit into their perfectly tailored suit. With this audience in mind, Stinson now presents Bro on the Go, the same classic traditions and guidelines for Bro behavior, now packaged in a more compact and awesome format. Featuring a new Introduction by the author and the same classic Bro Code articles, amendments, and Brocabulary that made the original such a hit, this book is essential reading for anyone who wants to be legen—wait for it—dary.
“Orwell saw, to his credit, that the act of falsifying reality is only secondarily a way of changing perceptions. It is, above all, a way of asserting power.”—The New Yorker
In 1984, London is a grim city in the totalitarian state of Oceania where Big Brother is always watching you and the Thought Police can practically read your mind. Winston Smith is a man in grave danger for the simple reason that his memory still functions. Drawn into a forbidden love affair, Winston finds the courage to join a secret revolutionary organization called The Brotherhood, dedicated to the destruction of the Party. Together with his beloved Julia, he hazards his life in a deadly match against the powers that be.
Lionel Trilling said of Orwell’s masterpiece, “1984 is a profound, terrifying, and wholly fascinating book. It is a fantasy of the political future, and like any such fantasy, serves its author as a magnifying device for an examination of the present.” Though the year 1984 now exists in the past, Orwell’s novel remains an urgent call for the individual willing to speak truth to power.
John Hodgman brings his considerable expertise to bear in answering all of the questions book buyers have been asking:
-What are the mottoes of the 51 United States?
THE ANSWER IS PROVIDED
-Who were the U.S. presidents who had hooks for hands?
THE ANSWER IS PROVIDED
-What role does the Yale secret society “Skull and Bones” play in the secret world government?
THERE IS NO SECRET WORLD GOVERNMENT
-What was the menu at the first Thanksgiving, and did it include eels?
Technically, that is two questions, but do not apologize, for John Hodgman shall answer them both . . . LATER.
-Aside from a compendium of fake trivia, what is the best kind of book to write?
A SIMPLE TABLE OF THE 55 MOST DRAMATIC LITERARY SITUATIONS PROVIDES THE ANSWER, and John Hodgman is the author of that table.
Imagine if The Book of Lists had been rewritten by Peter Cook and Jorge Luis Borges under the pseudonym of “John Hodgman” and then renamed The Areas of My Expertise, and you will only begin to have a sense of the dizzying, uproarious, sublimely weird, and strangely wise journey that is contained within this book (along with all the pages and words).
Perfect for anyone who thirsts for knowledge, and especially for collectors of books of fake trivia, The Areas of My Expertise offers through absurdity a better understanding of the world we share—and recognizes that while the truth may be stranger than fiction, it is never as strange as lies . . . or as true.Look out for John Hodgman's latest book, Vacationland, available from Viking in Fall 2017.
It’s clear to see I’m a style icon; remember, you can’t spell icon without “con.”
I love clothes, accessories, and makeup as much as the next lady, man, French bulldog in a sweater, or child whose parents dressed her in a couture Halloween costume, but telling people how they should look doesn’t suit me (clothes pun!). I have no authority in that department (I barely even shop in department stores). Instead this is a look at my own silly and nonsensical approach to style, and I promise only some of it is about sweatpants. This book is one part entertainment, one part irreverent fashion fun, and one part personal experience, including:
-My closet staples and jewelry MVPs, and what’s actually in my makeup bag
-All about BLTs and BFFS…that is, Better-Looking T-Shirts and Best Feet Friends
-The bad-hair-day character wheel
-The Ten Commandments of online shopping
-A handy flowchart to help you decide “Should I actually buy this?”
-Grace Expectations: What your denim says about you
I’m not stylish—I’m self-aware. I’m not polished—I’m perceptive. I’m not trendy—but I love trying. Because when it comes down to it, “style” is just a simple way of saying “I showered.”
Because they are f*cking everywhere.
We all have an inner voice. Sometimes it's just not quite as serene as we'd like.
Based on the viral video that had everyone from yogis to workaholics raving, F*ck That is the completely truthful and oddly tranquil guide to achieving your inner peace.
When sensible, sophisticated Flora Poste is orphaned at nineteen, she decides her only choice is to descend upon relatives in deepest Sussex. At the aptly-named Cold Comfort Farm, she meets the doomed Starkadders: cousin Judith, heaving with remorse for unspoken wickedness; Amos, preaching fire and damnation; their sons, lustful Seth and despairing Reuben; child of nature Elfine; and crazed old Aunt Ada Doom, who has kept to her bedroom for the last twenty years. But Flora loves nothing better than to organise other people. Armed with common sense and a strong will, she resolves to take each of the family in hand. A hilarious and ruthless parody of rural melodramas and purple prose, Cold Comfort Farm is one of the best-loved comic novels of all time.
'Screamingly funny and wildly subversive' Marian Keyes, Guardian
The Penguin Classics edition of Stella Gibbons's Cold Comfort Farm is introduced by Lynne Truss, author of Eats, Shoots and Leaves.
If you enjoyed Cold Comfort Farm you might like George and Weedon Grossmith's Diary of a Nobody, also available in Penguin Classics.
The True Magic Words Guaranteed to Get Any Man to Do Your Bidding
The Five Men You Must Have in Your Life at All Times
Men Who May Need Killing, Quite Frankly
What to Eat When Tragedy Strikes, or Just for Entertainment
And, of course:
The Best Advice Ever Given in the Entire History of the World
From tales of the infamous Sweet Potato Queens' Promise to the joys of Chocolate Stuff and Fat Mama's Knock You Naked Margaritas, this irreverent, shamelessly funny book is the gen-u-wine article.
Visit the Sweet potato Queens Web site at www.sweetpotatoqueens.com
• Experiments in green energy like the HiPER, which uses massive lasers to create a tiny “contained” sun; it’s an idea that could save the world if it doesn’t consume us all in a fiery fusion reaction first.
• Global disasters like the hypercane—a hurricane so large it could cover all of North America and shoot trailer parks into space!
• Terrifying new developments in robotics like the EATR, which powers itself on meat—an invention in the running for “Worst Decision Made by Anybody.”
In the age of Tinder, Hinge, or any other dating app that matches you with randos, the dating game has grown complex and confusing. Cue the Betches—first, we helped you win at basically everything, and now we’re going to help you win the most important battle a betch can face: dating.
Maybe you’re a Delusional Dater who needs to get in touch with reality (seriously, he’s just NOT that f***ing into you) or perhaps you’re a TGF who needs to stop being so desperate and start playing the game. Or maybe you’re just tired of swiping left and ready for the pro of your dreams to put a 15-karat diamond ring on it so you can stop pretending to do work. Either way, we’ve got you covered.
So put away the Ben & Jerry’s fro-yo (just because it’s low fat doesn’t mean it’s okay to eat the whole tub) and start dating like a winner.