Since its emergence from the bowels of the internet, the Chuck Norris Fact has roundhouse kicked its way into the world’s consciousness with all the vim and verve of its namesake. Singing the praises of his unequaled toughness, his mighty kicking feet, his indestructible beard, his frightening virility, and his ability to stop time by thinking about pineapples, The Truth About Chuck Norris is the one book brave enough to go behind the beard and reveal the real Chuck.
Ian Spector, webmaster of the site which started the meme and survivor of a real-life encounter with Chuck himself, has selected the 400 most kick-ass facts from his library of thousands, as well as illustrations as awesome as the man himself. This death-defying volume includes such awe-inspiring observations as:
• A cobra once bit Chuck Norris’s leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
• Chuck Norris can charge a cell phone by rubbing it against his beard.
• When an episode of “Walker, Texas Ranger” aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
• Chuck Norris was the first person to tame a dinosaur.
• Chuck Norris once visited The Virgin Islands. Afterward, they were renamed The Islands.
• Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris’s house is a Total Gym.
A must-have paean to the archetypical American male and a bible of all things Chuck, The Truth About Chuck Norris is easily the most important book of all time.
AN UNAUTHORIZED PARODY
Everyone’s life is governed by an internal code of conduct. Some call it morality. Others call it religion. But Bros in the know call this Holy Grail The Bro Code.
The Bro Code is a living document, much like the Constitution. Except instead of outlining a government, or the Bill of Rights, or anything even resembling laws, The Bro Code provides men with all the rules they need to know in order to become a “bro” and behave properly among other bros. Historically a spoken tradition passed from one generation to the next and dating back to the American Revolution, the official code of conduct for Bros appears here in its published form for the first time ever. By upholding the tenets of this sacred and legendary document, any dude can learn to achieve Bro-dom.
Containing approximately 150 “unspoken” rules, this code of conduct for bros can range from the simple (bros before hos) to the complex (the hot-to-crazy ratio, complete with bar graphs and charts). With helpful sidebros The Bro Code will help any ordinary guy become the best bro he can be. Let ultimate bro and coauthor Barney Stinson and his book, The Bro Code share their wisdom, lest you be caught making eye contact in a devil’s three-way (two dudes, duh).
After the deadly duo of The Truth About Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris vs. Mr. T roundhouse-kicked bestseller lists, Ian Spector returns to complete the thrillogy that has become just as unstoppable, herculean, and legendary as Chuck Norris himself. Chuck Norris Cannot Be Stopped reveals 400 all-new facts about the roughest, toughest, and buffest man to ever stalk the face of the Earth.
This third testament about the master of macho manliness uncovers such unknown facts as:
*Jesus follows Chuck Norris on Twitter.
*The reason we haven't found Osama Bin Laden is because Chuck Norris found him first.
*When Chuck Norris tells time, time obeys.
*A solar eclipse is the sun's attempt to hide from Chuck Norris.
*Someone once put Chuck Norris on hold. That's where the term choke-hold comes from.
*A man once broke every bone in his body to avoid Chuck Norris doing it for him.
Brimming with brawn and full of fortitude, Chuck Norris Cannot Be Stopped contains everything you ever wanted to know about Chuck Norris but were too terrified to ask.
Over six million social media fans can’t be wrong: Miranda Sings is one of the funniest faces on YouTube. As a bumbling, ironically talentless, self-absorbed personality (a young Gilda Radner, if you will), she offers up a vlog of helpful advice every week on her widely popular YouTube channel. For the first time ever, Miranda is putting her advice to paper in this easy-to-follow guide, illustrated by Miranda herself. In it, you’ll find instructions on everything: how to get a boyfriend (wear all black and carry a fishing net), to dressing for a date (sequins and an orange tutu), to performing magic (“Magic is Lying”), and much, much more! Miranda-isms abound in these self-declared lifesaving pages, and if you don’t like it…well, as Miranda would say…“Haters, back off!”
Fully illustrated and exhaustively comprehensive, this book covers everything you need to know, including how to understand zombie physiology and behavior, the most effective defense tactics and weaponry, ways to outfit your home for a long siege, and how to survive and adapt in any territory or terrain.
Top 10 Lessons for Surviving a Zombie Attack
1. Organize before they rise!
2. They feel no fear, why should you?
3. Use your head: cut off theirs.
4. Blades don’t need reloading.
5. Ideal protection = tight clothes, short hair.
6. Get up the staircase, then destroy it.
7. Get out of the car, get onto the bike.
8. Keep moving, keep low, keep quiet, keep alert!
9. No place is safe, only safer.
10. The zombie may be gone, but the threat lives on.
Don’t be carefree and foolish with your most precious asset—life. This book is your key to survival against the hordes of undead who may be stalking you right now without your even knowing it. The Zombie Survival Guide offers complete protection through trusted, proven tips for safeguarding yourself and your loved ones against the living dead. It is a book that can save your life.
Now Ian Spector has returned to his voluminous vault to bring readers 200 new Chuck Norris facts alongside 200 facts about his longtime antagonist Mr. T, in a battle that pits foot against fist, beard against mohawk, and Delta Force against A-Team. Included in this fearsome tome are such startling observations as:
? There is nothing to fear but fear itself, and fear itself fears Chuck Norris.
? King Kong once challenged Godzilla to an arm-wrestling match. Mr. T won.
? The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
? The last man to make eye contact with Mr. T was Stevie Wonder.
? Chuck Norris is a man?s man?s man.
? Mr. T once beat a man to death with his own corpse.
A hilarious tribute to two of the greatest humans who have ever lived, Chuck Norris vs Mr. T is the one book that can finally reveal what happens when an irresistible force meets an immovable object.
Are you stressed out, overbooked, and underwhelmed by life? Fed up with pleasing everyone else before you please yourself? It's time to stop giving a f*ck.
This brilliant, hilarious, and practical parody of Marie Kondo's bestseller The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up explains how to rid yourself of unwanted obligations, shame, and guilt--and give your f*cks instead to people and things that make you happy.
The easy-to-use, two-step NotSorry Method for mental decluttering will help you unleash the power of not giving a f*ck about:
Family drama Having a "bikini body" Iceland Co-workers' opinions, pets, and children And other bullsh*t! And it will free you to spend your time, energy, and money on the things that really matter. So what are you waiting for? Stop giving a f*ck and start living your best life today!
Just when you thought it was safe to read, Chuck Norris is back with another roundhouse kick to the face. Fans of this bestselling series will rejoice at this newest addition to the hilarious anthology. The Last Stand of Chuck Norris contains 400 all-new, kick-ass facts about the book's indomitable namesake, including:
? Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
? When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.
? Chuck Norris doesn't do push-ups. He pushes the world down.
? Chuck Norris doesn't need a Twitter account. He is already following you.
? Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed.
For years, bros, meatheads, and gym rats around the world have posed pressing questions: What can you bench? Can I skip leg day? What goes in this protein shake? And importantly—do you even lift, bro? At long last, answers to these questions and more can be found in one handy volume—THE SWOLY BIBLE, written by the Internet’s favorite gym expert/literary genius, Dom Mazzetti.
In it, Mazzetti lays out the truth about how to make gains in the gym and in your life, including:
- How to Get Hyped for a Lift
- The True Meaning of Meal Prep
- How to Eat Chicken Without Wanting to Kill Yourself
- The Best Tips for Taking a Post-Workout Selfie
- How to Get Your Girlfriend to Start Lifting
- Why Crossfitters Are the Worst
- And much more
Written in Dom’s signature comedic voice, with illustrations throughout, The Swoly Bible is the perfect gift for anyone in your #fitfam.
“Hell no, you can’t go to the bathroom. You know where you can go? The f**k to sleep.”
Go the Fuck to Sleep is a book for parents who live in the real world, where a few snoozing kitties and cutesy rhymes don’t always send a toddler sailing blissfully off to dreamland. Profane, affectionate, and radically honest, it captures the familiar—and unspoken—tribulations of putting your little angel down for the night.
Read by a host of celebrities, from Samuel L. Jackson to Jennifer Garner, this subversively funny bestselling storybook will not actually put your kids to sleep, but it will leave you laughing so hard you won’t care.
Behold the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM), today’s fastest growing carbohydrate-based religion. According to church founder Bobby Henderson, the universe and all life within it were created by a mystical and divine being: the Flying Spaghetti Monster. What drives the FSM’ s devout followers, a.k.a. Pastafarians? Some say it’s the assuring touch from the FSM’s “noodly appendage.” Then there are those who love the worship service, which is conducted in pirate talk and attended by congregants in dashing buccaneer garb. Still others are drawn to the Church’s flimsy moral standards, religious holidays every Friday, or the fact that Pastafarian heaven is way cooler: Does your heaven have a Stripper Factory and a Beer Volcano? Intelligent Design has finally met its match—and it has nothing to do with apes or the Olive Garden of Eden.
Within these pages, Bobby Henderson outlines the true facts– dispelling such malicious myths as evolution (“only a theory”), science (“only a lot of theories”), and whether we’re really descended from apes (fact: Humans share 95 percent of their DNA with chimpanzees, but they share 99.9 percent with pirates!)
See what impressively credentialed top scientists have to say:
“If Intelligent Design is taught in schools, equal time should be given to the FSM theory and the non-FSM theory.”
–Professor Douglas Shaw, Ph.D.
“Do not be hypocritical. Allow equal time for other alternative ‘theories’ like FSMism, which is by far the tastier choice.”
–J. Simon, Ph.D.
“In my scientific opinion, when comparing the two theories, FSM theory seems to be more valid than classic ID theory.”
–Afshin Beheshti, Ph.D.
Read the book and decide for yourself!
GOODREADS CHOICE AWARD WINNER FOR BEST MEMOIR/AUTOBIOGRAPHY
FORBES TOP 5 BREAKTHROUGH BOOK OF 2015
In this intimate memoir of life beyond the camera, Connor Franta shares the lessons he has learned on his journey from small-town boy to Internet sensation—so far. Here, Connor offers a look at his Midwestern upbringing as one of four children in the home and one of five in the classroom; his struggles with identity, body image, and sexuality in his teen years; and his decision to finally pursue his creative and artistic passions in his early twenties, setting up his thrilling career as a YouTube personality, philanthropist, entrepreneur, and tastemaker.
Exploring his past with insight and humor, his present with humility, and his future with hope, Connor reveals his private struggles while providing heartfelt words of wisdom for young adults. His words will resonate with anyone coming of age in the digital era, but at the core is a timeless message for people of all ages: don’t be afraid to be yourself and to go after what you truly want.
This full-color collection includes photography and childhood clippings provided by Connor and is a must-have for anyone inspired by his journey.
“When the world is bringing you down, Gmorning, Gnight! will remind you that you are awesome.”—Booklist
Good morning. Do NOT get stuck in the comments section of life today. Make, do, create the things. Let others tussle it out. Vamos!
Before he inspired the world with Hamilton and was catapulted to international fame, Lin-Manuel Miranda was inspiring his Twitter followers with words of encouragement at the beginning and end of each day. He wrote these original sayings, aphorisms, and poetry for himself as much as for others. But as Miranda’s audience grew, these messages took on a life on their own. Now Miranda has gathered the best of his daily greetings into a beautiful collection illustrated by acclaimed artist (and fellow Twitter favorite) Jonny Sun. Full of comfort and motivation, Gmorning, Gnight! is a touchstone for anyone who needs a quick lift.
Taped together so the world can read all about her life through her eyes, My Diarrhe includes pages from Miranda’s baby book, poems from her years as an emotional teen, secrets from her dating life, and stories from her rise to fame. As Miranda herself says, “It has every single secret about my life in it. My first kiss, my first period, stories about secret family members, secret photos of other celebrities, etc... so don’t read it!”
Nestled among the glitz and glitter of Tinseltown is a testament to American elbow grease and an honest-to-god hard day’s work: Offerman Woodshop. Captained by hirsute woodworker, actor, comedian, and writer Nick Offerman, the shop produces not only fine handcrafted furniture, but also fun stuff—kazoos, baseball bats, ukuleles, mustache combs, even cedar-strip canoes.
Now Nick and his ragtag crew of champions want to share their experience of working at the Woodshop, tell you all about their passion for the discipline of woodworking, and teach you how to make a handful of their most popular projects along the way. This book takes readers behind the scenes of the woodshop, both inspiring and teaching them to make their own projects and besotting them with the infectious spirit behind the shop and its complement of dusty wood-elves.
In these pages you will find a variety of projects for every skill level, with personal, easy-to-follow instructions by the OWS woodworkers themselves; and, what’s more, this tutelage is augmented by mouth-watering color photos (Nick calls it "wood porn"). You will also find writings by Nick, offering recipes for both comestibles and mirth, humorous essays, odes to his own woodworking heroes, insights into the ethos of woodworking in modern America, and other assorted tomfoolery.
Whether you’ve been working in your own shop for years, or if holding this stack of compressed wood pulp is as close as you’ve ever come to milling lumber, or even if you just love Nick Offerman’s brand of bucolic yet worldly wisdom, you’ll find Good Clean Fun full of useful, illuminating, and entertaining information.
In 2005, Tyler Perry took Hollywood by storm. The movie he wrote, produced, and starred in, Diary of a Mad Black Woman, opened number one at the box office and went on to gross more than $50 million. In its first week on sale, the DVD sold 2.4 million copies. At the same time, Perry was starring nightly across the country in a soldout stage show he'd also written, produced, and scored-Madea Goes to Jail-even as another one of his productions, Meet the Browns, was touring nationally. Every week in 2005, 35,000 people saw a Tyler Perry production. His second feature film, Madea's Family Reunion, opens in theaters in February 2006. Now, this triple-threat actor/playwright/director, has written his first book, and it features his most beloved, most irreverent creation: sixty-eight-year-old grandmother Madea Simmons.
Madea is at the center of all of Tyler Perry's work, and she's always unfailingly outspoken, dead-on, and hilarious. But in Don't Make a Black Woman Take Off Her Earrings, Madea shares more than she ever has before- about herself, and about what she thinks of everyone around her. The topics inimitably covered by Madea (a term of endearment for "Mother Dear") include love and marriage, child-rearing, etiquette and neighborliness, beauty tips, health tips, financial tips, the Bible and the church, and, of course, gun care. She's brazen, feisty, and never at a loss for words, but at the heart of everything she says- and at the heart of all of Perry's work-is a resounding message of faith and forgiveness.
Shockingly hilarious, surprisingly moving, and as rousing and inspiring as a great gospel show, Madea's words of wisdom, memories, and straight-up in-your-face advice will be cherished by Perry's numerous fans- and it all comes just in time for Mother's Day. Tyler Perry is about to take the publishing world by storm.
Whose Boat Is This Boat? Comments That Don’t Help in the Aftermath of a Hurricane is a picture book made entirely of quotations from President Donald Trump in the wake of Hurricane Florence. It is the first children’s book that demonstrates what not to say after a natural disaster.
On September 19, 2018, Donald Trump paid a visit to New Bern, North Carolina, one of the towns ravaged by Hurricane Florence. It was there he showed deep concern for a boat that washed ashore. “At least you got a nice boat out of the deal,” said President Trump to hurricane victims. “Have a good time!” he told them. The only way his comments would be appropriate is in the context of a children’s book—and now you can experience them that way, thanks to the staff of The Late Show with Stephen Colbert.
Whose Boat Is This Boat? is an excellent teaching tool for readers of all ages who enjoy learning about empathy by process of elimination. Have a good time!
"I laughed so hard and uncontrollably I could hardly breathe. Reading this on public transport is not a good idea." (Penthouse magazine)
"Brilliantly funny." (Jezebel.com)
From the notorious Internet troublemaker who brought the world the explosively popular "Next Time I'll Spend the Money on Drugs Instead", in which he attempted to pay his chiropractor with a picture he drew of a spider; "Please Design a Logo for Me. With Pie Charts. For Free," which has been described as one of the most passed-on viral e-mails of all time; and, most recently, the staggeringly popular "Missing Missy", which has appeared everywhere from The Guardian to Jezebel to Andrew Sullivan's The Daily Dish, comes this profoundly funny collection of irreverent Internet mischief and comedy.
Featuring all of Thorne's viral success, including "Missing Missy", The Internet Is a Playground culls together every article and e- mail from Thorne's wildly popular website 27bslash6.com, as well as enough new material, available only in these pages, to keep you laughing-and, indeed, crying-until Thorne's next stroke-of-genius prank. Or hilarious hoax. Or well-publicized almost-stint in jail (really).
One day, sad cubicle dweller and otherwise bored New York transplant Hannah Hart decided, as a joke, to make a fake cooking show for her friend back in California. She turned on the camera, pulled out some bread and cheese, and then, as one does, started drinking. (Doesn't everyone cook with a spoon in one hand and a bottle of wine in the other?) The video went viral and an online sensation was born.
My Drunk Kitchen includes recipes, stories, full color photos, and drawings to inspire your own culinary adventures in tipsy cooking. It is also a showcase for Hannah Hart's great comedic voice. Hannah offers key drink recommendations, cooking tips (like, remember to turn the oven off when you go to bed) and shares never-before-seen recipes such as:The Hartwich (Knowledge is ingenuity! Learn from the past!)Can Bake (Inventing things is hard! You don't have to start from scratch!)Latke Shotkas (Plan ahead to avoid a night of dread!)Tiny Sandwiches (Size doesn't matter! Aim to satisfy.)Saltine Nachos (It's not about resources! It's about being resourceful.)
This is a book for anyone who believes they have what it takes to make a soufflé for the holiday party and show up the person who apparently has nothing better to do than bake things from scratch. It also recommends the drink you'll need to accompany any endeavor of this magnitude. In the end, My Drunk Kitchen may not be your go-to guide for your next dinner party . . . but it will make you laugh and drink . . . I mean think . . . about life.
There are stacks upon stacks of self-help books that will promise you love, happiness, and a fabulous life. But how can you pinpoint the exact behaviors that cause you to be miserable in the first place? Sometimes when we’re depressed, or just sad or unhappy, our instincts tell us to do the opposite of what we should—such as focusing on the negative, dwelling on what we can’t change, isolating ourselves from friends and loved ones, eating junk food, or overindulging in alcohol. Sound familiar?
This tongue-in-cheek guide will help you identify the behaviors that make you unhappy and discover how you—and only you—are holding yourself back from a life of contentment. You’ll learn to spot the tried-and-true traps that increase feelings of dissatisfaction, foster a lack of motivation, and detract from our quality of life—as well as ways to avoid them.
So, get ready to live the life you want (or not?) This fun, irreverent guide will light the way.
For single millennials, this situation is all too familiar: You're on a date. It's going well! Then suddenly your date looks at you like you're a f*cking idiot and you never hear from that person again. Guess you're going to die alone, right? Maybe not! Humble authors Ben Schwartz and Laura Moses have written a book to save the future of the human race: Things You Should Already Know About Dating, You F*cking Idiot, a collection of 100 dating tips--complete with illustrations--that teaches clueless guys and girls the dos and don'ts of dating. In their book, Ben and Laura cover all the basics, from "Why are you texting in just Emojis, dummy?!" to "Stop playing games, idiot!" and, of course, "PUT YOUR PHONE DOWN, A**HOLE!" Simply put, this book will make you laugh and finally give you a fighting chance at not dying alone.
Romeo loves Juliet. Or Rosaline. And Juliet loves Romeo. Or Viola. Or Orlando. It's Shakespeare as you've never played him before.
In this choose-your-own-path version of Romeo and Juliet, you choose where the story goes every time you read! What if Romeo never met Juliet? What if Juliet got really buff instead of moping around the castle all day? What if they teamed up to take over Verona with robot suits? Whatever your adventure, you're guaranteed to find lots of romance, lots of epic fight scenes, and plenty of questionable decision-making by very emotional teens.
All of the endings—there are over a hundred—feature beautiful illustrations by some of the greatest artists working today, including New York Times bestsellers Kate Beaton, Noelle Stevenson, Randall Munroe, and Jon Klassen.
Packed with exciting choices, fun puzzles, secret surprises, terrible puns, and more than a billion possible storylines, Romeo and/or Juliet offers a new experience every time you read it. You can choose to play as Romeo or Juliet (obviously) but you can also play as both of them, or as Juliet's nurse, or, if you're good, you can even unlock a fourth playable character! That's right. We figured out how to have unlockable characters in books. Choose well, and you may even get to write the world's most awkward choose-your-own sex scene.
The Gang may have finally found their golden ticket. Left alone to close down Paddy’s Pub one night, Charlie Kelly inadvertently scored himself, and his friends, the opportunity of a lifetime—a book deal with a real publishing company, real advance money, and a real(ly confused) editor. While his actual ability to read and write remains unclear, Charlie sealed the deal with some off-the-cuff commentary on bird law and the nuances of killing rats (and maybe with the help of some glue fumes in the basement with an unstable editor on a bender). While The Gang is stunned by the news, and the legally binding, irrevocable contract left on the bar, they are also ready to rise to the task and become millionaires—and of course, help Charlie actually write the book.
In their own inimitable voices, Charlie, Mac, Dennis, Sweet Dee, and Frank weigh in on important topics like Relationships, Financial Success and Career, Fashion and Personal Grooming, Health and Diet, and Survival Skills, providing insane advice, tips, tricks, and recipes (Rum Ham anyone?) as only they can.
Fans of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia rejoice and welcome the most influential work in the history of the written word (or at least since the script for The Nightman Cometh): The 7 Secrets of Awakening the Highly Effective Four-Hour Giant, Today.
Because they are f*cking everywhere.
We all have an inner voice. Sometimes it's just not quite as serene as we'd like.
Based on the viral video that had everyone from yogis to workaholics raving, F*ck That is the completely truthful and oddly tranquil guide to achieving your inner peace.
From the Hardcover edition.
YOU MIGHT BE A ZOMBIE…
You're going to wish you never picked up this book.
Some facts are too terrifying to teach in school. Unfortunately, Cracked.com is more than happy to fill you in:
* A zombie apocalypse? It could happen. 50% of humans are infected with a parasite that can take over your brain.
* The FDA wouldn't let you eat bugs, right? Actually, you might want to put down those jelly beans. And that apple. And that strawberry yogurt.
* Think dolphins are our friends? Then these sex-crazed thrill killers of the sea have you right where they want you.
* The most important discovery in the history of genetics? Francis Crick came up with it while on LSD.
* Think you're going to choose whether or not to buy this book? Scientists say your brain secretly makes all your decisions 10 seconds before you even know what they are.
If you’re a fan of The Oatmeal or Frak.com and hate being wrong about stuff, you’ll love what you find in YOU MIGHT BE A ZOMBIE from the twisted minds at Cracked.
The complete, first-ever Golden Girls retrospective, packed with hundreds of exclusive interviews, behind-the-scenes and never-before-revealed stories, more than two hundred color and black-and-white photos, commentary, and more.
They were four women of a certain age, living together under one roof in Miami—smart and strong Dorothy, airhead Rose, man-hungry belle Blanche, and smart-mouthed matriarch Sophia. They were the Golden Girls, and for seven seasons, this hilarious quartet enchanted millions of viewers with their witty banter, verve, sass, and love, and reaffirmed the power of friendship and family.
Over thirty years after it first aired, The Golden Girls has become a cult classic, thanks to fan fiction, arts and crafts, podcasts, hundreds of fan blogs and websites, and syndication. Now, Golden Girls Forever pays homage to this wildly popular, acclaimed, and award-winning sitcom. Drawing on interviews with the show’s creators, actors, guest stars, producers, writers, and crew members, Jim Colucci paints a comprehensive portrait of the Girls both in front of the cameras and behind the scenes.
Illustrated with hundreds of photos, including stills from the show and a treasure trove of never-before-seen and newly rediscovered photos, Golden Girls Forever includes:
• Girls and Their Guests: short profiles of the show’s most famous guest stars
• Why I Love the Girls: Lance Bass, Laverne Cox, Ross Mathews, Perez Hilton, Zachary Quinto, Chris Colfer, Jason Collins, and many, many other celebrities share their love of the Girls
• Exclusive interviews with ninety-four-year-old Betty White; the famously private Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan, before their deaths; and fan-favorite actors who appeared on the show
• Harvey Fierstein's tribute to his close friend, Estelle Getty
The ebook also feautures 30 pages of material not inlcuded in the print edition, such as 17 Golden Episodes, a piece on Estelle Getty's make-up, the Rue LaRue Cafe, and additional fan art.
Bursting with fun facts, anecdotes, reminiscences, and insights, Golden Girls Forever is the ultimate companion to the show for fans old and new.
So goes the skewed sensibility, the muddied mind, the bent pen of one of America's funniest writers, Dave Barry. This time his subject is U.S. history, the way it's never been told before. Every single momentous event and crucial moment is covered, including . . .
• The Birthing Contractions of a Nation
• Kicking Some British Butt
• Barging Westward
• The Forging of a Large, Wasteful Bureaucracy
• Deep Economic Doo-doo
• The Fifties: Peace, Prosperity, Brain Death
. . . and right up through the scintillating Reagan-Bush years, during which, Mr. Barry notes, America is steadfastly Napping Toward Glory.
If you love to laugh, if you love your country, if you are unaware that “the Sixth Amendment states that if you are accused of a crime, you have a right to a trial before a jury of people too stupid to get out of jury duty,” Dave Barry Slept Here is the book you've been waiting for since 1776. Or at least since Super Bowl III.
Praise for Dave Barry Slept Here
“A dazzling performance . . . Barry is brilliant.”—The Washington Post Book World
“[Dave] Barry turns his formidable wit to the subject of American history, with a result reminiscent of the Reduced Shakespeare Company: The better you know the original, the funnier it gets.”—Los Angeles Times
“I fear that Mr. Barry's dream of making millions of dollars through mass sales of his book to a captive audience of innocent schoolchildren will not be realized, and he will have to be content with making readers laugh a lot, as this one did.”—The New York Times Book Review
Fifty chicken recipes, each more seductive than the last, in a book that makes every dinner a turn-on.
“I want you to see this. Then you’ll know everything. It’s a cookbook,” he says and opens to some recipes, with color photos. “I want to prepare you, very much.” This isn’t just about getting me hot till my juices run clear, and then a little rest. There’s pulling, jerking, stuffing, trussing. Fifty preparations. He promises we’ll start out slow, with wine and a good oiling . . . Holy crap. “I will control everything that happens here,” he says. “You can leave anytime, but as long as you stay, you’re my ingredient.” I’ll be transformed from a raw, organic bird into something—what? Something delicious.
So begins the adventures of Miss Chicken, a young free-range, from raw innocence to golden brown ecstasy, in this spoof-in-a-cookbook that simmers in the afterglow of E.L. James’s sensational Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy. Like Anastasia Steele, Miss Chicken finds herself at the mercy of a dominating man, in this case, a wealthy, sexy, and very hungry chef.
And before long, from unbearably slow drizzling to trussing, Miss Chicken discovers the sheer thrill of becoming the main course. A parody in three acts—“The Novice Bird” (easy recipes for roasters), “Falling to Pieces” (parts perfect for weeknight meals), and “Advanced Techniques” (the climax of cooking)—Fifty Shades of Chicken is a cookbook of fifty irresistible, repertoire-boosting chicken dishes that will leave you hungry for more.
With memorable tips and revealing photographs, Fifty Shades of Chicken will have you dominating dinner.
In the inevitable event of a vampire attack, the average citizen will be forced to engage in vicious hand-to-hand combat. To avoid serious injury, disfigurement, or death by exsanguination, you need to know the proper combat strategies and techniques to ward off a stronger, faster, more agile undead opponent looking to drain the life from your body. Are you prepared? With detailed illustrations and firsthand accounts from vampire combat veterans—as well as interviews with actual members of the undead—this manual provides you with the information you need to survive with your life and blood supply intact, including:
• Debunking myths, i.e.: vampire flight, animal metamorphosis, physical attraction to humans
• Crafting the most lethal vampire weapons from everyday materials
• The pros—and cons—of decapitation
• Weaponizing Ultraviolet (UV) light against an undead opponent
• Using the Domicile Histodiscordant Reaction (DHR), otherwise known as “The Vampire Invitation,” to your advantage
• Solo attacks, team-based combat, and much more…
The Vampire Combat Manual is your indispensable key to survival, whether in a one-on-one battle for blood or a face-off against multiple attackers. Don’t wait until the sun goes down—prepare yourself now!
Don't get defensive! It's not your fault. For decades your teachers, authority figures and textbooks have been lying to you. You do not have five senses. Your tongue doesn't have neatly segregated taste-bud zones. You don't know what the pyramids really looked like. You're even pooping wrong - Jesus, you're a wreck!
But it's going to be okay. Because we're here to help. Packed with more sexy facts than the Encyclopedia Pornographica, the Cracked De-Textbook will teach you about the true stars of history, why you picture everything from Velociraptors to Ancient Rome incorrectly, and finally, at long last - how to pop a proper squat. This book was built from the ground up to systematically seek out, dismantle and destroy the many untruths that years of misguided education have left festering inside of you, and leave you a smarter person...whether you like it or not. The De-Textbook is a merciless, brutal learning machine. It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are informed.
Replete with an astonishing assemblage of facts, illustrations, maps, charts, threats, blood, and additional fees to edify even the most simple-minded book-buyer, THE ONION BOOK OF KNOWN KNOWLEDGE is packed with valuable information-such as the life stages of an Aunt; places to kill one's self in Utica, New York; and the dimensions of a female bucket, or "pail." With hundreds of entries for all 27 letters of the alphabet, THE ONION BOOK OF KNOWN KNOWLEDGE must be purchased immediately to avoid the sting of eternal ignorance.
THE DUDE ABIDES...
AND YOU CAN TOO!
When you seek salvation from this stressed out, uptight world, there's only one man to go to for guidance--the Dude. At once helpful, funny and profound (like The Big Lebowski itself), this survival guide from the founders of the Church of the Latter-Day Dude and their top disciples shows how to be as Dude-like as the Dude (well, almost):
-Secrets of sacred Dudeist practices
-The Seven Spiritual Laws of Taking it Easy
-Great Dudes who changed the world (without really trying)
-New feminist philosophy for special ladies
-The Way of the Dude applied to politics, ethics and finances
-A 12-step program for personal dudevolution
-The science of really tying your room together
All this and a lot more what-have-you. So the next time life throws you a gutterball, just pick up this book and ask, "What Would the Dude Do?" It's your answer for everything.
Bored of the same old joint? Next time 4:20 rolls around, put a new twist on your spliff using this step-by-step guide. Start by perfecting the basic joint, move on to ornate blunts, then get freaky with multi-pronged doobies. With the use of medical marijuana on the upswing, and with celebrities like Woody Harrelson espousing the cannabis cause, there's never been a better time to take this stoner art to the next level. With its rolling paper-inspired design, colorful cartoon instructions, and irreverent take on toking, SPLIFFIGAMI will have every ganja girl and bud boy lighting up in style.
It’s clear to see I’m a style icon; remember, you can’t spell icon without “con.”
I love clothes, accessories, and makeup as much as the next lady, man, French bulldog in a sweater, or child whose parents dressed her in a couture Halloween costume, but telling people how they should look doesn’t suit me (clothes pun!). I have no authority in that department (I barely even shop in department stores). Instead this is a look at my own silly and nonsensical approach to style, and I promise only some of it is about sweatpants. This book is one part entertainment, one part irreverent fashion fun, and one part personal experience, including:
-My closet staples and jewelry MVPs, and what’s actually in my makeup bag
-All about BLTs and BFFS…that is, Better-Looking T-Shirts and Best Feet Friends
-The bad-hair-day character wheel
-The Ten Commandments of online shopping
-A handy flowchart to help you decide “Should I actually buy this?”
-Grace Expectations: What your denim says about you
I’m not stylish—I’m self-aware. I’m not polished—I’m perceptive. I’m not trendy—but I love trying. Because when it comes down to it, “style” is just a simple way of saying “I showered.”
When The Bro Code was first published in 2008, it took the world by storm—becoming an instant New York Times bestseller and shaping the behavior and attitudes of Bros the world over. Author Barney Stinson expected nothing less.
But for some busy Bros, the standard trade paperback format was just too big and chunky to fit into their perfectly tailored suit. With this audience in mind, Stinson now presents Bro on the Go, the same classic traditions and guidelines for Bro behavior, now packaged in a more compact and awesome format. Featuring a new Introduction by the author and the same classic Bro Code articles, amendments, and Brocabulary that made the original such a hit, this book is essential reading for anyone who wants to be legen—wait for it—dary.
John Hodgman brings his considerable expertise to bear in answering all of the questions book buyers have been asking:
-What are the mottoes of the 51 United States?
THE ANSWER IS PROVIDED
-Who were the U.S. presidents who had hooks for hands?
THE ANSWER IS PROVIDED
-What role does the Yale secret society “Skull and Bones” play in the secret world government?
THERE IS NO SECRET WORLD GOVERNMENT
-What was the menu at the first Thanksgiving, and did it include eels?
Technically, that is two questions, but do not apologize, for John Hodgman shall answer them both . . . LATER.
-Aside from a compendium of fake trivia, what is the best kind of book to write?
A SIMPLE TABLE OF THE 55 MOST DRAMATIC LITERARY SITUATIONS PROVIDES THE ANSWER, and John Hodgman is the author of that table.
Imagine if The Book of Lists had been rewritten by Peter Cook and Jorge Luis Borges under the pseudonym of “John Hodgman” and then renamed The Areas of My Expertise, and you will only begin to have a sense of the dizzying, uproarious, sublimely weird, and strangely wise journey that is contained within this book (along with all the pages and words).
Perfect for anyone who thirsts for knowledge, and especially for collectors of books of fake trivia, The Areas of My Expertise offers through absurdity a better understanding of the world we share—and recognizes that while the truth may be stranger than fiction, it is never as strange as lies . . . or as true.Look out for John Hodgman's latest book, Vacationland, available from Viking in Fall 2017.
The True Magic Words Guaranteed to Get Any Man to Do Your Bidding
The Five Men You Must Have in Your Life at All Times
Men Who May Need Killing, Quite Frankly
What to Eat When Tragedy Strikes, or Just for Entertainment
And, of course:
The Best Advice Ever Given in the Entire History of the World
From tales of the infamous Sweet Potato Queens' Promise to the joys of Chocolate Stuff and Fat Mama's Knock You Naked Margaritas, this irreverent, shamelessly funny book is the gen-u-wine article.
Visit the Sweet potato Queens Web site at www.sweetpotatoqueens.com
Got the long arm of the law around your neck?
Does Lady Justice have her eye on you?
Were you set up at a lineup?
Saul Goodman can help!
There are some crazy laws out there. Did you know that in New Mexico there’s a law that says “idiots” can’t vote? Or that Massachusetts still has a ban on Quakers and witches? Or that in Georgia it’s illegal to put a donkey in a bathtub?
Even if you’re not bathing a donkey (and hey, if you are, no judgment from me!), you could be breaking the law right now and not even know it. That’s why you need Don't Go to Jail! You can carry the advice of a seasoned legal practitioner with you anywhere you go, helping you to stay out of the courts and in the good graces of the criminal justice system.
Want to be your own attorney? Want to avoid getting hauled in on a warrant? Want to keep the cops from discovering the baggie of “your friend’s” marijuana stashed under the passenger seat of your car? This is your chance to get those tips and many more savory bits of indispensable legal advice--all for much less than my usual hourly fee.
In the age of Tinder, Hinge, or any other dating app that matches you with randos, the dating game has grown complex and confusing. Cue the Betches—first, we helped you win at basically everything, and now we’re going to help you win the most important battle a betch can face: dating.
Maybe you’re a Delusional Dater who needs to get in touch with reality (seriously, he’s just NOT that f***ing into you) or perhaps you’re a TGF who needs to stop being so desperate and start playing the game. Or maybe you’re just tired of swiping left and ready for the pro of your dreams to put a 15-karat diamond ring on it so you can stop pretending to do work. Either way, we’ve got you covered.
So put away the Ben & Jerry’s fro-yo (just because it’s low fat doesn’t mean it’s okay to eat the whole tub) and start dating like a winner.
In a bright buzzing room, in the glow of the moon-and iPhones and Androids and Blackberries too-it is time to say goodnight...
Modern life is abuzz. There are huge LCD WiFi HD TVs and Facebook requests and thumbs tapping texts and new viral clips of cats doing flips. Wouldn't it be nice to say goodnight to all that? Like the rest of us who cannot resist just a few more scrolls and clicks, you may find yourself ready for bed while still clinging to your electronics long after dark. This book, which is made of paper, is a reminder for the child in all of us to power down at the end of the day. This hilarious parody not only pokes loving fun at the bygone quiet of the original classic, but also at our modern plugged-in lives. It will make you laugh, and it will also help you put yourself and your machines to sleep. Don't worry, though. Your gadgets will be waiting for you, fully charged, in the morning.
Most Americans know Judah Friedlander from his role as Frank Rossitano on 30 Rock and from appearances in films like American Splendor and The Wrestler. But long before he became a film and TV star and stand-up comic Friedlander drew stuff.
Now, in this quirky, hilarious, and surprisingly profound collection of drawings, Friedlander shows a new side to his "terrifically entertaining" (New York Times) comedy. Whether imagining George Washington in Las Vegas, plastic surgery for imperfect triangles, and the Keystone Pipeline as a sex act, Friedlander's "Joodles" push boundaries as they explore the absurdities of American life, sex, and even history and human rights. If the Raindrops United is a milestone in the career of one of America's most inventive comedians.
Praise for If the Raindrops United:
"Judah has drawn a weird and funny book in the grand '70s tradition of B. Kliban! I think this book will probably fix the world."
"Some people meditate. Some people masturbate. But if you don't have the time or patience for either of those, I recommend reading If the Raindrops United to calm down, have a little laugh, or a big think."
"I've known Judah for many years and I still don't understand how his mind works, but it sure works. Seriously strange. Seriously funny. A National Treasure. Sadly, I need to get a restraining order against him."
"Judah thank you for writing a funny twisted book. It is such an easy read. Even dum dums like me can enjoy it!!! Buy this book."
"Judah's drawings are deceptively simple, yet they become more compelling with every page. His talent as an actor/writer/comedian is further conveyed in ANOTHER medium. He's a Quadruple Threat. He wears many hats. Literally."
"Reading Judah Friedlander's new book is a lot like hanging out with Judah himself: occasionally baffling, frequently thought-provoking, but, most of all, consistently hilarious!"
"To compare Judah Friedlander to a great cartoonist like Jim Davis would be a compliment to Jim Davis."
"Another hit from The World Champ tackling the signs and symbols you frequently question while dropping hot lava in your American Standard VorMax."
The Dude has met the Bard—and he doth abide.
Join “The Knave” and Sir Walter on a wild tale of mistaken identity, kidnapping, bowling, and a rug that, in faith, really tied the room together—in a sidesplitting Shakespearean comedy of errors and ninepins, told in five glorious acts of iambic pentameter and impeccable period prose.
Already a theatrical hit and a worldwide viral phenomenon, Two Gentlemen of Lebowski comes alive anew in this definitive and lavishly illustrated edition, featuring recently discovered historical engravings, scholarly annotations, and a revelatory afterword from the author.
THE BOSTON GLOBE
Madcap, bittersweet humor in classic Erma Bombeck-style. You'll laugh until it hurts and love it! "Any mother with half a skull knows that when Daddy's little boy becomes Mommy's little boy, the kid is so wet, he's treading water. What do you mean you're a participle in the school play and you need a costume? Those rotten kids. If only they'd let me wake up in my own way. Why do they have to line up along my bed and stare at me like Moby Dick just washed up onto a beach somewhere?"