In the land of the Eight (or was it Six?) Kingdoms—where the seasons last as long as a series of bestselling Tolkien-esque novels—trouble is brewing. The mud is growing muddier, the onions are rotting, the Wall to the North (or is it the South?) is melting, and Lord Barker of Summerseve is getting worried. His wife is addicted to Godsweede, his King is too fat to fit into his armor, and the foreshadowing is out of control. All in all, not the position you want to be in when Summer is coming.
From this world of outdoor fornication with horse-people (and indoor fornication with blood relatives) comes an epic story of novella proportions. Amid plots and counterplots, power-hungry warriors and overworked ravens, poor reception and no wireless, the future of the Barkers, their BFFs, and their enemies dangles in the balance, as each strives to survive long enough to appear in at least two of the sequels.
"His teeth might be wooden, but his prose is not."
George R. R. Washington cannot tell a lie: A Game of Groans was not prepared, authorized, licensed, approved, or endorsed by any person or entity involved in creating or producing any of the Song of Ice and Fire books or the Games of Throne television program. Please direct any inquiries to our legal counsel, Clarence R. R. Darrow.
Still bruised and heartbroken from their last calamitous quest, Gorm Ingerson and his band of washed-up heroes try to make amends for the Orcs they accidentally betrayed. But justice is put on hold when an old foe marches to the city gates. Gorm is horrified to discover a liche pitching the frightened city-dwellers on the merits of the undead lifestyle… at the head of a corpse army.
To save the city from high-pressure sales tactics and an inevitable siege, the Dwarf warrior and his misfit band hatch a harebrained scheme that lands them at the top of the king’s kill list. With death and dark magic on his heels, Gorm must craft his own pitch to round up the troops and put the undead snake-oil salesman and his army of pushers permanently out of business.
Son of a Liche is the second book in The Dark Profit Saga, a trilogy of humorous epic fantasy novels. If you like rib-tickling shenanigans, second-rate heroes, and imaginative new takes on tired tropes, then you’ll love J. Zachary Pike’s hilarious blend of finance and high fantasy.Buy Son of a Liche to get the most bang for your bucks with a rollicking fantasy misadventure today!
“Good Omens . . . is something like what would have happened if Thomas Pynchon, Tom Robbins and Don DeLillo had collaborated. Lots of literary inventiveness in the plotting and chunks of very good writing and characterization. It’s a wow. It would make one hell of a movie. Or a heavenly one. Take your pick.”—Washington Post
According to The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch (the world's only completely accurate book of prophecies, written in 1655, before she exploded), the world will end on a Saturday. Next Saturday, in fact. Just before dinner.
So the armies of Good and Evil are amassing, Atlantis is rising, frogs are falling, tempers are flaring. Everything appears to be going according to Divine Plan. Except a somewhat fussy angel and a fast-living demon—both of whom have lived amongst Earth's mortals since The Beginning and have grown rather fond of the lifestyle—are not actually looking forward to the coming Rapture.
And someone seems to have misplaced the Antichrist . . .
An innocent piece of Mundane Snail Mail has provoked the dreaded Demon Jupiter to hurl his Red Spot at the magical land of Xanth. As the dire Dot draws closer, the unwelcome ordeal of saving the enchanted realm falls to Umlaut, an unlikely lad with an unknown past and an uncertain future. With a handful of colorful companions at his side, Umlaut must unravel a high-stakes intergalactic puzzle, uncover the secret of his mysterious past, and learn to understand the urgings of his own heart.
It might have been the merest chance that brought Umlaut to Castle Zombie that morning and launched him on a harrowing adventure. But in the magical land of Xanth, things are seldom left to chance, and adventures lurk around every corner.
An unassuming young man with a uncanny knack for attracting lovely young ladies and an uncommon talent for emulating anyone he wished, Umlaut was forced to flee a flock of overly friendly females by disguising himself as a Zombie girl. In his haste to find a hiding place, he found himself face-to-face with a dreadful dragon and feared he would soon meet his end. But in Xanth, things are seldom exactly as they seem, and he soon discovered that the dragon was really a sinuous female sea serpent named Sesame, with a gift similar to his own, who had become accidentally entrapped in the Castle's dungeon.
When the two happen upon a packet of mail from Earth delivered by mischance to the Zombie King, they inadvertently set in motion a sinister scheme that could spell the end of Xanth. A letter they forward to the Demon Jupiter unexpectedly enrages him, causing him to send his own Red Spot hurtling toward Xanth. Soon everything is up in a heaval, for no one knows how to avert this interplanetary peril. Even the Good Magician Humfrey is baffled, for some strange force has obscured the future. In desperation, he instructs Umlaut and Sesame to deliver the remaining letters to their far-flung recipients, in the faint hope that this may somehow stop the Spot.
As they set out on their appointed rounds, Umlaut and Sesame are soon joined by two feline friends, Jenny Elf's companion, Sammy Cat, and a lovely, prescient creature named Claire Voyant who can sometimes see the future. Beguiled and bedeviled by the delicious Demoness Metria, who uses her shapely assets to distract him from his goal, Umlaut leads his allies on an unforgettable odyssey to the farthest reaches of the enchanted realm, from the submicroscopic Nth Moon of Ida, and the home of all dreams and nightmares, to the unmagical land of Euphoria, where he meets a sweet and sprightly young girl named Surprise who captures his heart. But before Umlaut can complete his quest and return to his beloved, he must unravel the unfathomable puzzle of his own existence, which is somehow inextricably entwined with the fate of Xanth.
A satisfyingly suspenseful tale filled with mystery, magic, and merriment, Up in a Heaval is exciting and entertaining fantasy adventure from the pen of a master storyteller.
At the Publisher's request, this title is being sold without Digital Rights Management Software (DRM) applied.