Maybe one of the worst diseases from the history of the world … worst even as cancer … sometimes without any possible treatment is the … doubt.
And is funny, cause the Universe is playing around with us … giving us so, so many contradictory … options.
I am laughing … going back in time and seeing myself in this weird situation of not being able to decide what to do … what to choose.
Today i somehow believe that it’s better to have … no option …. or just one option, cause each time when i had 2 or more options … everything was too complicated.
I had to think too much.
… to meditate on and on and on.
And when i decided i was still overwhelmed by …. doubt.
Instead of being happy for the life i had, i was unhappy …. In fact somehow ruined emotionally and mentally of all what was going on with me.
Everything was sometimes so amplified that i could not … continue the life itself.
The Universe letted me decide what to do … but i was not capable of seeing the path … the real one.
I was hearing into my head all the time … “What to do?! What to decide?! What should be the best?!”
But i did not know what to do … what to decide … and instead of being happy for having so many opportunities … my vibe was always fucked up.
And everything was like that cause i did not know how to close my eyes and connect to myself … asking to my intuition for guidance.
The undecided version of myself, was a result of the fact that i did not know anything about my soul … and how to be in total harmony with this inner self.
I did not know how to listen to all those voices … to my intuition … and keep the right balance between the inner and the outer world.
And instead of being happy and a soul dominated by joy … i was in this silly emotional balance … dominated by a non ending indecision.
I should name it today … the negative amplifier … and all what i want is just get rid of it.
Nothing more.
I’ve started to write my first book at 16 … but then … realizing i could not publish it … i’ve abandoned the idea of being a … writer.
20 years later … i’ve started to write again … believing i will finally succeed … but i’ve failed one more time … not getting the success i was chasing for.
Another 5 years later … i’ve started one more time to write … but this time … more as a therapy.
It’s what i’ve defined as … self therapy.
I was analyzing and defining lots of weird ideas … that were a lot related to me … and my own soul.
I totally forgot that i was chasing for success.
I was simple writing my thoughts … in essays … becoming this way … maybe not a writer …. but what many define as … an essayist.
This is not a poet … and not a writer.
Or maybe is kind of a poet that is incapable of writing poetry … but is still expressing his thoughts … into a similar way … as a poet.
And is not a writer … cause have not the ability to write for too long time … about the same subject.
But maybe i am not an essayist… either.
I am just an ordinary person … that could be better defined … as a thinker.
Analyzing … and defining my life … practicing this process called … self therapy … i started to understand life … and the way to better paths which i should follow.
And i’ve wrote … and wrote … and wrote … realizing one day that i’ve published tens of books …. not really understanding how the hell I’ve succeeded doing that.
Today i dare to recommend writing … as a therapy.
I could even say … it’s a simple way of understanding who we are … but also a process that could help us … heal our souls.
I personally continue to … write.
It’s in fact … a non ending story that … at least for myself … will probably continue for the rest of my life.
But over all … i am glad … i am doing it.
I continue my philosophical journey … not being able to define myself for clear as a writer or an essayist… but …
Well …. most probably… i am on a good path.
And … i would dare to recommend to everyone … all what i am doing today.