While yanking back the curtain on the media elite, The Gawker Guide reveals the secrets of emailing like a mogul, posing for the paparazzi, decoding "agent speak," spotting the next bestseller, landing that holy grail assignment, boosting blog traffic, navigating the six cocktail evening, and all the other weapons readers need to climb high -- and stay there.
"I came, I saw, I conquered. With this book, I could've done it quicker."
-- Julius Caesar
This hilarious, tongue-in-cheek guide to deciphering and manipulating the language of the workplace includes such helpful hints as:
The best (and worst) answers to the question, "What's your biggest weakness?"
Sprucing up your job title and personalizing your business cards
Being "swamped" and other key phrases for diverting responsibility
Making up verbs to convey power, decisiveness, and initiative in the boardroom
Mastering the fine art of interrupting with such foolproof expressions as "good point" and "borrriiinnnggg"
AND MANY MORE!
Just remember, there's no "I" in team...
but there sure as hell is one in "You're hired!"
Everything from carpets to camping to water to Norman, Oklahoma, endangers your health, your sense of well-being and ultimately, your sanity. Discover the disturbingly amusing truth: sunscreen is bad for you whether you use it or not-and so is everything else!
I will not make you sort my M&Ms by color.
I will not take off four hours in the middle of the day to go shopping and then announce upon my return that “it’s going to be a late one—we need to catch up!”
I will not request that you create and maintain my online dating profile.
Welcome to the wickedly funny world of To My Assistant, where overworked and underappreciated assistants finally get their due. We’ve all been there. You might even be there right now. Do you depend upon your college education to handle crucial business decisions such as memorizing your boss’ lunch order, trying to schedule four meetings where only one can go, and helping your boss detag Facebook photos? Or what about those awesome days when you’re instructed to “send me that thing from a week ago,” “call that guy I wanted to call,” or “book me a table at that restaurant that girl said was really good,” and are then berated when you’re not able to figure out immediately what your boss is talking about?
To My Assistant compiles everything that disgruntled and optimistic assistants everywhere promise NEVER TO DO when, one day, they have assistants of their own. From ridiculous requests and backhanded compliments to outright insults, and complete with helpful tips and tricks for Boss Wrangling—like what you can learn about your boss’s mood from his meal choices, how to navigate such professional minefields as requests for your opinion and interactions with your boss’s children and pets, and advanced translation techniques for incoherent e-mails and text messages—these pages are just what the underpaid masses need to survive (and laugh at) the daily injustices of life at the bottom of the totem pole.
From the Trade Paperback edition.
For the hundreds of millions of Americans who are looking for better, more successful, and more fulfilling lives--but don't have the time and money to invest in a full-on graduate degree--comes this revolutionary new system that turns crap into gold!
With Earn Your MBA on the Toilet, the Kasper Hauser Continuing Education Academy offers readers a complete business education, on subjects ranging from Accounting to Widgets to Business Ethics to Ethical Pickles. Why spend $100,000 and two years on an MBA when you can simply read this book? Written for the busy professional, the unemployed CEO, or the motivated alcoholic, this incredible course condenses thousands of hours of business wisdom into a 72-minute crash course, chunked into 3-minute "jam sessions." After a mere 8 trips to the toilet, readers will be able to hold their own with a finance professor at a cocktail party; after 15, they will be qualified to work as a management consultant for a Bass Pro shop; and by the end they will have a certificate of completion that is definitely, literally an MBA degree on par with the big guys, basically.
You have just picked up the best book ever written, by the greatest person who ever lived, using the finest pen ever made, set down on the world's most luxurious legal pads.
And the advice I have to share with you in Trumped: Think Like a Bizillionaire is worth even more than the paper it's printed on. You'll learn the most important ways to get ahead, the best financial advice I've ever received, and the nastiest ways to get even.
I'll even share with you some of my most intimate secrets, like what I eat for breakfast, how my hair stays up, and what really happened between me and Marla.
I'm sure you will find this the greatest, most informative, best spelled book you have ever read. But if you don't, I strongly suggest you read it again.
Donald J. Trumped