The Darwin Awards shares the stories of those human beings who improve the gene pool by removing themselves from it in a sublimely idiotic fashion.
Marvel at the thief who tries to steal live electrical wires. Gape at the lawnchair jockey who floats to a height of 16,000 feet suspended by helium balloons. And learn from the man who peers into a gasoline can using a cigarette lighter. All contend for Darwin Awards when their choices culminate in magnificent misadventures.
These tales of trial and awe-inspiring error-verified by the author and endorsed by website readers-illustrate the ongoing saga of survival of the fittest in all its selective glory. The Darwin Awards vividly portrays the finest examples of evolution in action, and shows us just how uncommon common sense can be.
From the Trade Paperback edition.
Excerpts:
Appearance: Standing in the check out line at my local grocery store I heard the voice of a little boy asking his father "Look Daddy, that man has cotton in his ears. Why does he have cotton in his ears?" I heard a quiet Shhh, from his dad. I turned around and noticed both of them quickly look away from me. Then I realized it was the hair in my ears that got the little boys attention. It was that funny looking long white hair growing out of my ear canals. Enough white hair to look like cotton to a little boy and probably to everyone else. Wonderful! I thought to myself. That's just where I wanted more hair to grow. Why not hair that grows wild and out of control from the bald areas on the top of my head? This is the very same reason why I won't take my shirt off in public. There's more hair growing from my back these days than on my head. I don't mind not being attractive anymore, but I sure don't want to get attention by showing off the healthy wild crop on my back.
Positive ways of looking at aging: Getting old is a matter of how you look at it. In dog years you may be 120 plus years old, while in fossil years you may still be an infant. The next time someone calls you an "Old Fossil" tell them thanks. It could be a complement.
Home improvements: I enjoy fixing up and painting an older house. Remove a few over grown shrubs; finish up with the landscape and Ooo la la! Somebody stop me. I bet I could make this house look nice and still be within my budget (depending if no major repairs or new roof are required). Pure reward! Other than create songs and write a few stories, I enjoy buying and putting new life in older houses. It's like giving an old lady a sip from the fountain of youth and showing her off for one more glamorous ballroom dance.
Today I took down the original Chandeliers from the dining room and the front entry. I'm replacing them with fixtures more up to date. They have the tea stain glass, so they'll match the updated look I've made throughout this house I'm remodeling. Then all the fixtures will have been replaced. Replacing the light fixture in the dining room was easy. Hanging the new fixture in the 12 foot high entry ceiling was a different story. A little TOO high and out of my step ladder comfort zone. I tried putting the step ladder on top of a wheel barrow, on top of a garbage can, on top of a lawn chair, on top of a table, and then stood on one foot while my other leg was stretched out to the side for balance. I still couldn't quite reach the light socket with my right hand, while holding the new light fixture with my left hand. It was kind of funny looking all the way down to the floor and seeing my little dog laying there. It was the first time I ever saw her with her paws over her eyes.
Holidays: Halloween we get fewer trick-or-treaters every year. Maybe it was the Tums and Rolaids that got mixed in with the candy a few years ago.
It began with one simple question: What do championship barbecuers love to cook for themselves, when there are no rules but the simple laws of physics and basic chemistry? With more than thirty years of barbecue contest experience apiece, Ardie A. Davis, professional barbecue judge and barbecue historian extraordinaire, and KC Baron of Barbeque Paul Kirk, with a slew of awards under his belt—including seven world championships—were just the guys to ask it.
America’s Best BBQ—Homestyle collects the best backyard cookout recipes from people who have gone pro. Some of the recipes are former competition winners that have earned a constant place at the family table. Others are foods that teams like to make (and share) while they tend their fires on contest day. A few are old family recipes passed down for generations. And some are even the result of ingenious experiments in the kitchen and at the grill. Most are easy. All are sure to win the hearts of friends and neighbors at your next family cookout.
Also included are tips and advice on everything from meal prep to gadgets, some basics to get you started, a few tall tales from the pits, and tons of photos of the dishes and the pitmasters who make them. So pull up a lawn chair, grab a plate, and get ready to sample some out-of-this-world outdoor cooking.
Close Calls escaping by the skin of my "Before we even knew what he hit, Arab men appeared from every nook and cranny. Like flies around a ripe, red watermelon, they swarmed around our car, peering at us from behind black beards and mustaches. Our hearts sank "
Lodges the good, the bad, and the ugly "We had certainly come a long way from the flush toilets Chobi's toilet amounted to a chair that resembled a lawn chair, with a toilet seat on it-over a 'long-drop loo' Actually, the chair was over a hole in the ground-and this 'long-drop loo' had a very short drop "
Sometimes she's slightly out of focus
Oh Those Men "The zipper down the front of my dress had more than one convenience. Pepe began demonstrating some of the matador's passes. When he wasn't looking, I slid the zipper down a little, so I could get a whiff of the oilcloth fumes (from my vinyl dress), as I slouched in my seat. I could nestle my nose inside the v-neck for a scent that was as welcome as a bouquet of flowers by now."
*A Chinese contraception program causes the birth rate to rise when men are discovered taking birth control pills and unrolling condoms over their fingers--exactly as shown in the training film.
*A gang of Norwegian thieves carefully uses explosives to open a safe--only to find the safe is filled with dynamite. . .
In the national bestseller The 776 Stupidest Things Ever Said--over 200,000 copies in print--Ross and Kathryn Petras immortalized idiotic utterances by public figures and average citizens alike. But what about the doers out there, the people who didn't stop at speaking, but went right out and did something stupid instead?
It's time to give credit where credit is due.
The 176 Stupidest Things Ever Done is a hilarious collection of inane incidents, senseless stunts, farcical feats, and utterly asinine activities from throughout history, and around the globe. From Sam Goldwyn to Walter Mondale, Albert Einstein to Fabio, the board of General Motors to British Parliament, this comic compendium chronicles the stupidest acts, ideas, decisions, inventions, songs, and ad campaigns that the mind of modern man has been able to devise.
The 176 Stupidest Things Ever Done is a non-stop barrage of belly laughs, conclusive proof that actions speak louder--and funnier--than words.
From the Trade Paperback edition.
This is a story about life in a bungalow colony in the Catskill Mountains of the 1940s and 1950s. It is the experience that thousands of people from the city shared when going to the country for the summer. It represents a delicious moment in time for those families who made it out of the city and into the wonders of the Catskill countryside.
The hundred recipes in this book are casual and simple -- just the way Al likes to cook for his family and friends. Like most of us, Al first learned to grill at the knee of his dad, whose policy was "the more lighter fluid, the better." But a trip to the Memphis in May Barbecue Championship ignited a real passion, and since then Al's grills have rarely grown cold. And while Al does have some hard-and-fast rules, like "don't keep moving your meat around" and "never touch another man's grill," his food is simple yet inventive, impressive and delicious.
In addition to great stuff for over the fire -- Jerk Chicken, Marinated Pork Tenderloin, Kebabs Cooked Right, New Orleans-Style Barbecued Shrimp, Fish Fillets with Lemon-Parsley Sauce, Turkey on the Grill, and, from "The Wurst City in the World," Sheboygan Bratwurst -- Al Roker's Big Bad Book of Barbecue has something for everyone, including recipes for quick-and-easy starters, marinades, main-dish salads, sides, classic American desserts, cooling drinks, vegetarian dishes, and low-fat fare.
So lean back in that lawn chair and have a sip of Lemon-Lime Fizz. Munch on a Spicy Wing or some BBQ Popcorn. That brisket should take care of itself in another hour or so.
This clever book gives yarn lovers—both knitters and non-knitters alike—50 fun ways to use their stashes without taking out their knitting needles. The projects are easy and simple, but with a modern aesthetic that manages to be both sophisticated and inviting.
Get your hot glue gun fired up, adhere some pompoms to an old office chair, and make the most ho-hum seat in your house into a cozy piece of pop art furniture. Or treat your neck to a stylish infinity scarf. All you need is some bulky yarn and the ability to braid.
This book will strike a chord with DIYers who love yarn but don't always want to take the time and effort to knit something from it. Projects also include a Sputnik lamp shade, a welcome mat, friendship bracelets, and even a rehabbed woven lawn chair. Put away your needles and crochet hooks and create fabulous projects, from accessories to home goods and more!
Story Title Examples:
"Where Robots Go to Die"
"Invasion Eve"
"I am not a clone."
"Space Garbage Man"
"Remember Washing Machines?"
"Hulls"
"Admirable Admiral Adams"
"Blacknum"
"Bright Lights, Neon Nights"
"The Quest for Anti-Fire"
"Bogs of Mars"
"This Bleeding Heart Bleeds Oil"
"The Man Who Flipped the Switch that No One Heard that Saved the World!"
"State of the Universe Address"
"A Pirate in a Lawnchair on the Moon"
In closing, the future is forged at the pace of the present, and the twists and turns that form tomorrow are perpetually altering course by the second. The winding road of chaos weaves our history on a loom holding the fabric of reality up as an image of the collective experience.
So, that is happening.
From the Trade Paperback edition.
