Sweat dries. Blood clots. Bones heal. Suck it up, buttercup.
After his deployment in Afghanistan, Dan Caddy began swapping great drill sergeant stories by e-mail with other combat veterans—an exchange with friends that would grow into the dedicated Facebook page, “Awesome Sh*t My Drill Sergeant Said.” But what began as a comedic outlet has evolved into a robust online community and support network that conducts fundraisers for and donates to military charities, has helped veterans struggling with PTSD and other issues, and on numerous occasions, literally saved lives.
Now, Caddy shares more great DS stories—most never before seen—in this humorous collection. Often profane, sometimes profound, yet always entertaining, these rants from real life soldiers are interspersed with lively sidebars, Top 10 lists, stories from fans, one-liners, and more.
For anyone who has suffered a hard-ass manager (in uniform or not), Awesome Sh*t My Drill Sergeant Said will add a much needed dose of humor to the day.
Jude is one of the top hip-hop radio hosts on Sirius Satellite radio. His self-published, print-on-demand edition of Hyena has been an indie bestseller, despite having no ebook or physical distribution. Its exploration of drugs, sex, and the human condition compares to Charles Bukowski, Hunter S. Thompson, Artie Lange, and Jim Norton. It also captures the hardscrabble culture, language, and landscape of post-industrial Detroit, from which came some of pop culture’s most compelling artists.
--from the Introduction
Actual reader feedback:
"I am completely baffled as to how you can congratulate yourself for being a womanizer and a raging drunk, or think anyone cares about an idiot like you. Do you really think that exploiting the insecurities of others while getting wasted is a legitimate thing to offer?"
"Thank you, thank you, thank you--for sharing with us your wonderful tales of drunken revelry, for teaching me what it means to be a man, for just existing so I know that there is another option; I too can say 'screw the system' and be myself and have fun. My life truly began when I finished reading your stories. Now, when faced with a quandary about what course of action I should take, I just ask myself, 'What Would Tucker Do?'--and I do it, and I am a better man for it."
"I find it truly appalling that there are people in the world like you. You are a disgusting, vile, repulsive, repugnant, foul creature. Because of you, I don't believe in God anymore. No just God would allow someone like you to exist."
"I'll stay with God as my lord, but you are my savior. I just finished reading your brilliant stories, and I laughed so hard I almost vomited. I want to bring that kind of joy to people. You're an artist of the highest order and a true humanitarian to boot. I'm in both shock and awe at how much I want to be you."
"You are the coolest person I can even imagine existing. If you slept with my girlfriend, it'd make me love her more."
Funnyman Adam Carolla is known for two things: hilarious rants about things that drive him crazy and personal stories about everything from his hardscrabble childhood to his slacker friends to the hypocrisy of Hollywood. He tackled rants in his first book, and now he tells his best stories and debuts some never-before-heard tales as well. Organized by the myriad "dumps" Carolla called home—through the flophouse apartments he rented in his twenties, up to the homes he personally renovated after achieving success in Hollywood—the anecdotes here follow Adam's journey and the hilarious pitfalls along the way.
Adam Carolla started broke and blue collar and has now been on the Hollywood scene for over fifteen years, yet he never lost his underdog demeanor. He's still connected to the working class guy he once was, and delivers a raw and edgy, fish-out-of-water take on the world he lives in (but mostly disagrees with), telling all the stories, no matter who he offends—family, friends or the famous.
A riotously funny collection of boozy misadventures from the creator of the YouTube series, “You Deserve a Drink”
Mamrie Hart is a drinking star with a Youtube problem. As host of the bawdy cult-hit, “You Deserve a Drink,” Hart has been entertaining viewers with her signature concoction of tasty libations and raunchy puns since 2011. Finally, Hart has compiled her best drinking stories—and worst hangovers—into one hilarious volume. From the spring break where she and her girlfriends avoided tan lines by staying at an all-male gay nudist resort, to the bachelorette party where she accidentally hired a sixty year old meth head pole dancing instructor, to the time she lit herself on fire during a Flaming Lips concert, Hart accompanies each story with an original cocktail recipe, ensuring that You Deserve a Drink is as useful as it is entertaining.
Ari Gold is known for his ruthless approach to deal-making and client relationships that made him one of, if not the, most powerful and sought-after agents in Hollywood until he retired in 2011. In his new book THE GOLD STANDARD, Gold will illuminate, for the first time, his unique, effective and, some would say, outrageous philosophies on running a successful business, client management, employee motivation, keeping a happy home life, and other keys to his many successes. Brash, emphatic, instructive and always wise, Gold's book will rival business and leadership bestsellers the world over. In his own words and with his trademark enthusiasm, Gold's tome will be the only book anyone wanting to make something of him or herself will ever need.
Ari Gold says: "In my humble opinion, if you want to run a successful business this is the only book you'll ever have to read. And my humble opinion is never wrong."
A riotously funny collection of boozy misadventures from the creator of the YouTube series, “You Deserve a Drink”
Mamrie Hart is a drinking star with a Youtube problem. As host of the bawdy cult-hit, “You Deserve a Drink,” Hart has been entertaining viewers with her signature concoction of tasty libations and raunchy puns since 2011. Finally, Hart has compiled her best drinking stories—and worst hangovers—into one hilarious volume. From the spring break where she and her girlfriends avoided tan lines by staying at an all-male gay nudist resort, to the bachelorette party where she accidentally hired a sixty year old meth head to teach the group pole dancing, to the time she lit herself on fire during a Flaming Lips concert, Hart accompanies each story with an original cocktail recipe, ensuring that You Deserve a Drink is as useful as it is entertaining.
From the Trade Paperback edition.
The gleeful and candid New York Times bestselling autobiography of addiction, recovery, and rise to fame from Russell Brand, star of Forgetting Sarah Marshall and one of the biggest personalities in comedy today.
As a lifelong member of "The Nerd Herd," as he calls it, Chris Hardwick has learned all there is to know about Nerds. Developing a system, blog, and podcasts, Hardwick shares hard-earned wisdom about turning seeming weakness into world-dominating strengths in the hilarious self-help book, The Nerdist Way.
From keeping their heart rate below hummingbird levels to managing the avalanche of sadness that is their in-boxes; from becoming evil geniuses to attracting wealth by turning down work, Hardwick reveals the secrets that can help readers achieve their goals by tapping into their true nerdtastic selves.
Here Nerds will learn how to:Become their own time cop Tell panic attacks to go suck it Use incremental fitness to ward off predators
A Nerd's brain is a laser-it's time they learn to point and fire!
One of BookRiot's Must-Read Books from Indie Presses for 2014
One of Flavorwire's 50 Best Independent Fiction and Poetry Books of 2014
"You Have to F***ing Eat makes parents of picky eaters smile."
"Adam Mansbach...will delight exhausted and exasperated parents everywhere for a second time with You Have to F**king Eat--another children's book that is most definitely not for children."
"An equally hilarious ode to kids at the table."
"Parents, Adam Mansbach gets you. He understood that sometimes your kids just won't go the f**k to sleep. And, in his new foulmouthed bedtime book for parents out Wednesday, he understands that sometimes they just won't f**king eat. And he knows, well, it's really f**king annoying. So how about some f**king comic relief?"
"A likeable variation on a universal f***ing theme."
"A hilarious sendup of the eternal fight between kids and their parents over what to eat and when--if at all."
--New York Journal of Books
"If you're a frustrated parent with a picky child, or even just one who appreciates 'deranged' humor, especially humor that rhymes, this is a terrific read for you...Parents will enjoy a good chuckle and subtle reminder that everything is better, including parenthood, if tackled with a little bit of humor."
--San Francisco Book Review
"You Have to F**cking Eat, Sequel to Go the F**k to Sleep, Is Finally F**king Coming...It will arrive just in time to gift it to your brother-in-law, who, upon unwrapping it, will clutch it immediately to his chest and shake his head furiously at his waist-high daughter as she claws at him with her chewed up nails. 'No, no, it's not for you,' he'll say, laughing and crying at the same time."
"An uproarious spoof of bedtime board books."
--San Francisco Chronicle
"A 21st-century bedtime story for the ages (and all ages) if there ever was one."
--Bay Area Reporter
"Parents, when your precious angel rips you from your three hours of sleep to demand food that he won't actually eat, you'll want this f'ing book."
"Forthcoming new book by genius funnyman Adam Mansbach."
"Mansbach freely, fabulously curses out the uncensored truth; Brozman makes sure you'll recognize your irresistible, equitably diverse mini-mes with those all-too-familiar expressions, from utter disdain to overwhelming trust and every little eyeball roll in between."
--BookDragon/Smithsonian Asian Pacific American Center
"If your kid has never presented you with some new mind-boggling preference at mealtime, I suspect you're lying."
"This book is genius. It is what every parent is thinking when their child refuses dinner."
--Old School/New School Mom
"With this soon-to-be crude classic, Adam Mansbach has nailed it with his undeniable animal/child comparisons all cozily complimented by Owen Brozman's humorous illustration--we dare you not to giggle into your eggnog."
"Illustrations are just as enjoyable and the narrative again paints the perfect picture."
From the author of the international best seller Go the F*** to Sleep comes a long-awaited sequel about the other great parental frustration: getting your little angel to eat something that even vaguely resembles a normal meal. Profane, loving, and deeply cathartic, You Have to F***ing Eat breaks the code of child-rearing silence, giving moms and dads new, old, grand- and expectant, a much-needed chance to laugh about a universal problem.
A perfect gift book like the smash hit Go the F*** to Sleep (over 1.5 million copies sold worldwide!), You Have to F***ing Eat perfectly captures Mansbach's trademark humor, which is simultaneously affectionate and radically honest. You probably shouldn't read it to your kids.
It's a sad and eerie harbinger of our times that the Oprah-watching, crystal-rubbing, Whole Foods-shopping moms and their whipped attorney husbands have taken the ability to reason away from the poor schlub who makes the Bloody Marys. What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we now settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers. Adam Carolla has had enough of this insanity and he's here to help us get our collective balls back.
In Fifty Years We'll All Be Chicks is Adam's comedic gospel of modern America. He rips into the absurdity of the culture that demonized the peanut butter and jelly sandwich, turned the nation's bathrooms into a lawless free-for-all of urine and fecal matter, and put its citizens at the mercy of a bunch of minimum wagers with axes to grind. Peppered between complaints Carolla shares candid anecdotes from his day to day life as well as his past—Sunday football at Jimmy Kimmel's house, his attempts to raise his kids in a society that he mostly disagrees with, his big showbiz break, and much, much more. Brilliantly showcasing Adam's spot-on sense of humor, this book cements his status as a cultural commentator/comedian/complainer extraordinaire.
ADAM CAROLLA is a radio and television host, comedian, and actor. He is the host of the Adam Carolla Podcast, before which he hosted a weekday morning radio program broadcast from Los Angeles, and syndicated by CBS Radio. Besides these shows, Carolla is well known as the co-host of the radio show Loveline (and its television incarnation on MTV), as the co-creator and co-host of Comedy Central's The Man Show, and as the co-creator and the performer on Comedy Central and MTV's Crank Yankers and is a frequent contributor and contestant on ABC's top-rated program "Dancing with the Stars". Carolla also starred in, co-wrote, and co-produced the award-winning independent film, The Hammer. He currently lives in Los Angeles with his wife and their two children.
From the Hardcover edition.
But this isn't all about me (for once). It's about you and how you can SUCK LESS at a variety of things drag queens are so much better at than the average person. I've got clap backs and life hacks and tips on classing up a simple grab-and-run lifting spree to the much more dignified act of larceny. Super-important life stuff with my own special, secret fag- swag sauce. So welcome to Willam's School of Bitchcraft and Wiggotry. Class is in session.
With a foreword from Neil Patrick Harris.
The names change, but the game remains the same. In Pimpology, Ken Ivy pulls a square's coat on the unwritten rules that took him from the ghetto streets to the executive suites. Ken's lessons will serve any person in any interaction: Whether at work, in relationships, or among friends, somebody's got to be on top. To be the one with the upper hand, you've got to have good game, and good game starts with knowing the rules.
If you want the money, power, and respect you dream of, you can't just "pimp your ride," you need to pimp your whole life. And unless you've seen Ray Charles leading Stevie Wonder somewhere, you need Ken's guidelines to do it. They'll reach out and touch you like AT&T and bring good things to life like GE. Then you can be the boss with the hot sauce who gets it all like Monty Hall.
In brilliant, brand-new, never-before-published pieces, Dave passes on home truths to his new grandson and to his daughter Sophie, who will be getting her learner’s permit in 2015 (“So you’re about to start driving! How exciting! I’m going to kill myself”). He explores the hometown of his youth, where the grown-ups were supposed to be uptight fifties conformists, but seemed to have a lot of un-Mad Men-like fun, unlike Dave’s own Baby Boomer generation, which was supposed to be wild and crazy, but somehow turned into neurotic hover-parents. He dives into everything from the inanity of cable news and the benefits of Google Glass (“You will look like a douchebag”) to the loneliness of high school nerds (“You will never hear a high school girl say about a boy, in a dreamy voice, ‘He’s so sarcastic!’”), from the perils of home repair to firsthand accounts of the soccer craziness of Brazil and the just plain crazy craziness of Vladimir Putin’s Russia (“He stares at the camera with the expression of a man who relaxes by strangling small furry animals”), and a lot more besides.
By the end, if you do not feel wiser, richer in knowledge, more attuned to the universe . . . we wouldn’t be at all surprised. But you’ll have had a lot to laugh about!
From the Hardcover edition.
“Nobody, but nobody, can hate like Joan Rivers. It is a gift. It is also shocking, the things she makes us laugh at…Joan Rivers is extraordinary, but she's not for the easily offended—or for anyone who gets offended at all. ”—People
Joan Rivers, comedienne, actress, jewelry monger, and an award-winning international star (she can sneer in eight different languages) lives by her own golden rule: Do unto others before they do unto you—and for God’s sakes, do it funny! Her career in comedy may have begun with self-loathing, but, after looking at the human decrepitude around her, she figured Why stop here when there are so many other things to hate? With all of her diverse experiences, Joan has looked down at, turned away from, and thrown up over a lot of hateful things, deplorable places, and despicable people. Thank God she took notes.
Here—uncensored and uninhibited—Joan says exactly what’s on her mind…And HER mind is a terrible thing to waste. She proudly kicks the crap out of ugly children, dating rituals, funerals, and lousy restaurants. She nails First Ladies, closet cases, and hypocrites to the wall. She shows no mercy towards doctors and feminists, and even goes after Anne Frank and Stephen Hawking. Joan lets everyone—including herself—have it in this one hundred percent honest and unabashedly hilarious love letter to the hater in all of us.
There is nothing more wonderful than a mother’s love. There is also nothing more annoying. Who else can proudly insist that you’re perfect while simultaneously making you question every career, fashion, and relationship decision you have ever made?
No one understands the delicate mother-daughter dynamic better than Kate Siegel—her own mother drove her so crazy that she decided to broadcast their hilarious conversations on Instagram. Soon, hundreds of thousands of people were following their daily text exchanges, eager to see what outrageous thing Kate’s mom would do next. Now, in Mother, Can You NOT?, Kate pays tribute to the woman who invented the concept of drone parenting.
From embarrassing moments (like crashing Kate's gynecological exams) to outrageous stories (like the time she made Kate steal a cat from the pound) to hilarious celebrations (including but not limited to parties for Kate's menstrual cycles), Mother, Can you NOT? lovingly lampoons the lengths to which our mothers will go to better our lives (even if it feels like they’re ruining them in the process).
One of America’s most original and biting comic satirists, Denis Leary takes on all the poseurs, politicians, and pop culture icons who have sucked in public for far too long. Sparing no one, Leary zeroes in on the ridiculous wherever he finds it—his Irish Catholic upbringing, the folly of celebrity, the pressures of family life, and the great hypocrisy of politics—with the same bright, savage, and profane insight he brought to his critically acclaimed one-man shows No Cure for CancerLock ’n Load.
Proudly Irish-American, defiantly working class, with a reserve of compassion for the underdog and the overlooked, Leary delivers blistering diatribes that are both penetrating social commentary with no holds barred and laugh-out-loud funny. As always, Leary’s impassioned comic perspective in Why We Suck is right on target.
Leary is the star and co-creator of the Emmy-nominated television show Rescue Me.
Do you find yourself craving pizza topped with deep-fried chicken nuggets and fries? Does a six-patty burger buried under a mound of bacon have your mouth watering? How about a 5,800-calorie corn dog?
Harley Morenstein (a.k.a. The Sauce Boss), created EpicMealTime for the extreme chef in all of us. His kitchen crew (none of whom, amazingly enough, have had any culinary education or previous cooking experience), brings his artery-clogging visions to life—and now you can, too, using ingredients as diverse as waffles, chicken hearts, cake mix, tortilla chips, maple syrup, fast food menu items, bacon grease, Irish crème whiskey, cheese sticks, breakfast sausage, pounds and pounds of bacon . . . and much more!
The True Magic Words Guaranteed to Get Any Man to Do Your Bidding
The Five Men You Must Have in Your Life at All Times
Men Who May Need Killing, Quite Frankly
What to Eat When Tragedy Strikes, or Just for Entertainment
And, of course:
The Best Advice Ever Given in the Entire History of the World
From tales of the infamous Sweet Potato Queens' Promise to the joys of Chocolate Stuff and Fat Mama's Knock You Naked Margaritas, this irreverent, shamelessly funny book is the gen-u-wine article.
Visit the Sweet potato Queens Web site at www.sweetpotatoqueens.com
From the Trade Paperback edition.
Andrew Dice Clay’s raw stand-up delivery has shocked and entertained audiences for decades and continues to do so to this day. When he released his debut album, Dice, in 1989, the parental advisory label simply read “Warning: This album is offensive.” His material stretched the boundaries of decency and good taste to their breaking point, and in turn he became the biggest stand-up comic in the world.
In The Filthy Truth, Dice chronicles his remarkable rise, fall, and triumphant return. Brooklyn-born Andrew Clay Silverstein started out at Pips Comedy Club in Sheepshead Bay and eventually made a name for himself a decade later with a breakout appearance on the Rodney Dangerfield HBO special Nothing Goes Right. With that single TV appearance he became the new king of comedy, and Dicemania was born. He was the first and only comedian to sell out over three hundred sports arenas across the country to an audience of more than twelve million people. He was also the first comedian to sell out Madison Square Garden two nights in a row.
But Dice’s meteoric rise and spectacular fame brought on a furious backlash from the media and critics. Billboards for his album produced by Rick Rubin and for his movie The Adventures of Ford Fairlane were defaced and ripped down as fast as they were put up. By the mid-nineties, though still playing to packed audiences, the turmoil in his personal life, plus attacks from every activist group imaginable, led him to make the decision to step out of the spotlight and put the focus on raising his boys.
The Diceman was knocked down, but not out. Taking inspiration from what Frank Sinatra once told him—“You work for your fans, not the media. The media gets their tickets for free”—Dice is now back with critically acclaimed roles in HBO’s Entourage and Woody Allen’s Blue Jasmine, and is once again playing to sold-out audiences.
Filled with no-holds-barred humor and honesty, The Filthy Truth sets the record straight and gives fans plenty of never-before-shared stories from his career and his friendships with Howard Stern, Sam Kinison, Mickey Rourke, Sylvester Stallone, Axl Rose, and countless others.
Actor and humorist Annabelle Gurwitch returns with a wickedly funny book of essays about the indignities faced by femmes d’un certain âge. Whether she is falling in lust at the Genius Bar, coping with her best friend’s assisted suicide, or navigating the extensive—and treacherously expensive—anti-aging offerings at the beauty counter, Gurwitch confronts middle age with candor, wit, and a healthy dose of self-deprecation. Scorchingly honest, surreally and riotously funny, I See You Made an Effort is the ultimate coming-of-middle-age story and according to Bill Maher, "it should be required reading for anyone between the ages of 40 and death. Scratch that—even after death, it's a must read."
Pinterest. Foodies. Anne Frank’s underwear. New York Times bestselling author Laurie Notaro—rightfully hailed as “the funniest writer in the solar system” (The Miami Herald)—spares nothing and no one, least of all herself, in this uproarious new collection of essays on rudeness. With the sardonic, self-deprecating wit that makes us all feel a little better about ourselves for identifying with her, Laurie explores her recent misadventures and explains why it’s not her who is nuts, it’s them (and okay, sometimes it’s her too).
Whether confessing that her obsession with buying fabric has reached junior hoarder status or mistaking a friend’s heinous tattoo as temporary, Laurie puts her unique spin—sometimes bizarre, always entertaining—on the many perils of modern living in a mannerless society. From shuddering at the graphic Harry Potter erotica conjured up at a writer’s group to lamenting the sudden ubiquity of quinoa (“It looks like larvae no matter how you cook it”), The Potty Mouth at the Table is whip-smart, unpredictable, and hilarious. In other words, irresistibly Laurie.
USA Today Bestseller
Globe and Mail Bestseller
Toronto Star Bestseller
Vancouver Sun Bestseller
Winner of the Forest of Reading Award
Based on the award-winning 10-million-plus-hit blog 1000awesomethings.com, The Book of Awesome is a high five for humanity and a big celebration of life's little moments:
• Popping Bubble Wrap
• Wearing underwear just out of the dryer
• Fixing electronics by smacking them
• Getting called up to the dinner buffet first at a wedding
• Watching The Price Is Right when you're home sick
• Hitting a bunch of green lights in a row
• Waking up and realizing it's Saturday
Sometimes it's easy to forget the things that make us smile. With a 24/7 news cycle reporting that the polar ice caps are melting, hurricanes are swirling in the seas, wars are heating up around the world, and the job market is in a deep freeze, it's tempting to feel that the world is falling apart. But awesome things are all around us-sometimes we just need someone to point them out.
The Book of Awesome reminds us that the best things in life are free (yes, your grandma was right). With laugh-out-loud observations from award- winning comedy writer Neil Pasricha, The Book of Awesome is filled with smile-inducing moments on every page that make you feel like a kid looking at the world for the first time. Read it and you'll remember all the things there are to feel good about.
The Book of Awesome reminds us of all the little things that we often overlook but that make us smile. With touching, warm, and funny observations, each entry ends with the big booming feeling you'll get when you read through them: AWESOME!
She had the perfect man, the perfect job-hell, she had the perfect life-and there was no reason to think it wouldn't last. Or maybe there was, but Jen Lancaster was too busy being manicured, pedicured, highlighted, and generally adored to notice.
This is the smart-mouthed, soul-searching story of a woman trying to figure out what happens next when she's gone from six figures to unemployment checks and she stops to reconsider some of the less-than-rosy attitudes and values she thought she'd never have to answer for when times were good.
Filled with caustic wit and unusual insight, it's a rollicking read as speedy and unpredictable as the trajectory of a burst balloon.
Zombies in North London, death cults in the West Country, the engineering deck of the Enterprise -- actor, comedian, writer, and supergeek Simon Pegg has been ploughing some bizarre furrows. Having landed on the U.S. movie scene in the surprise cult hit Shaun of the Dead, his enduring appeal and rise to movie stardom has been mercurial, meteoric, megatronic, but mostly just plain great.From his childhood (and subsequently adult) obsession with science fiction, his enduring friendship with Nick Frost, and his forays into stand-up comedy, which began with his regular Monday-morning slot in front of his twelve-year-old classmates, Simon has always had a severe and dangerous case of the funnies.Whether recounting his experience working as a lifeguard at the city pool, going to Comic-Con for the first time and confessing to Carrie Fisher that he used to kiss her picture every night before he went to sleep, or meeting and working with heroes that include Peter Jackson, Kevin Smith, and Quentin Tarantino, Pegg offers a hilarious look at the journey to becoming an international superstar.
NAMED ONE OF THE TEN BEST BOOKS OF THE YEAR BY MICHIKO KAKUTANI, THE NEW YORK TIMES • NAMED ONE OF THE TEN BEST NONFICTION BOOKS OF THE YEAR BY TIME
NAMED ONE OF THE BEST BOOKS OF THE YEAR BY MORE THAN 45 PUBLICATIONS, INCLUDING
The New York Times Book Review • The Washington Post • NPR • The New Yorker • San Francisco Chronicle • The Economist • The Atlantic • Newsday • Salon • St. Louis Post-Dispatch • The Guardian • Esquire (UK) • GQ (UK)
Little Failure is the all too true story of an immigrant family betting its future on America, as told by a lifelong misfit who finally finds a place for himself in the world through books and words. In 1979, a little boy dragging a ginormous fur hat and an overcoat made from the skin of some Soviet woodland creature steps off the plane at New York’s JFK International Airport and into his new American life. His troubles are just beginning. For the former Igor Shteyngart, coming to the United States from the Soviet Union is like stumbling off a monochromatic cliff and landing in a pool of Technicolor. Careening between his Soviet home life and his American aspirations, he finds himself living in two contradictory worlds, wishing for a real home in one. He becomes so strange to his parents that his mother stops bickering with his father long enough to coin the phrase failurchka—“little failure”—which she applies to her once-promising son. With affection. Mostly. From the terrors of Hebrew School to a crash course in first love to a return visit to the homeland that is no longer home, Gary Shteyngart has crafted a ruthlessly brave and funny memoir of searching for every kind of love—family, romantic, and of the self.
BONUS: This edition includes a reading group guide.
Praise for Little Failure
“Hilarious and moving . . . The army of readers who love Gary Shteyngart is about to get bigger.”—The New York Times Book Review
“A memoir for the ages . . . brilliant and unflinching.”—Mary Karr
“Dazzling . . . a rich, nuanced memoir . . . It’s an immigrant story, a coming-of-age story, a becoming-a-writer story, and a becoming-a-mensch story, and in all these ways it is, unambivalently, a success.”—Meg Wolitzer, NPR
“Literary gold . . . [a] bruisingly funny memoir.”—Vogue
“A giant success.”—Entertainment Weekly
“[Little Failure] finds the delicate balance between sidesplitting and heartbreaking.”—O: The Oprah Magazine
“Should become a classic of the immigrant narrative genre.”—The Miami Herald
“As vivid, original and funny as any that contemporary U.S. literature has to offer.”—Los Angeles Times
“The very best memoirs perfectly toe the line between heartbreak and humor, and Shteyngart does just that.”—Esquire
“Touching, insightful . . . [Shteyngart] nimbly achieves the noble Nabokovian goal of letting sentiment in without ever becoming sentimental.”—The Washington Post
“[Shteyngart is] a successor to no less than Saul Bellow and Philip Roth.”—The Christian Science Monitor
The truth is, craftin’ ain’t easy. But it also doesn’t have to be an exasperating lesson in your own clumsiness.
Joselyn Hughes knows the struggle. She’s lived it. And now, with DIY, Dammit!, she offers up foolproof craftables that deliver maximum cute with minimal effort. There are easy-to-follow instructions and realistic shortcuts—because waiting for paint to dry is as boring as…well, you know.
With Joselyn by your side you’ll laugh, learn, and end up with handcrafted creations that will impress your friends, family, and strangers you accost on the street. She’s already made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to. What are you waiting for? DIY, Dammit!
Some choice buds from The Marijuana-Logues:
ARJ BARKER’S FIRST TIME
The first time I smoked pot, I was in the back seat of my older brother’s car. It must have been some pretty good weed, too, because I’m an only child.
THINGS YOU WILL NEVER HEAR DOUG BENSON SAY WHEN HE IS OFFERED SOME MARIJUANA
FEMALE COMPOTABILITY by Tony Camin
My girlfriend thinks that I smoke too much pot. I, on the other hand, don’t think I smoke enough pot, because if I did, I’d be finished. And I’m not. Look, we all have our vices: I like to smoke a little weed; she likes to feed the baby. Different strokes for different folks.
From the Trade Paperback edition.
From the New York Times bestselling author of The Alphabet of Manliness, the creator of “The Best Page in the Universe,” and overall genius, comes an outrageous, laugh-out-loud critique of children’s artwork that finally cuts those little smug know-it-alls down to size.
Previously published as I Am Better Than Your Kids.
If you think children are precious little snowflakes who are perfect in every way, think again. If you cherish every piece of art, every book report, every letter to Santa your child gives you, then this book is not for you. If your refrigerator is adorned with mementos from your kid’s childhood, then you are a sucker.
Maddox, who has been writing hilarious essays for his popular site, TheBestPageInTheUniverse.com since 1996, can spell, do math, and run faster than your kids—and, he is here to show you just how inferior your kids are. Marvel as Maddox deconstructs an eight-year-old’s crayon-drawn family portrait! Laugh uproariously as he judges sub-par Valentines, homemade “gifts,” and other areas of elementary-aged underperformance!
Why reward weakness and mediocrity with gold stars? You are in Maddox’s world now, and no child is safe from the scrutiny and critical gaze of the world’s foremost authority on children’s crappy artwork.
"J-Wunder's wit and honesty make Wait...WHAT?! Life Advice From A Ghetto Genius a must-read book. His shocking tales and genius revelations reveal the absurdity of life and love and sex."" —Elizabeth Jayne Liu, Head Homette, Flourish in Progress
J-Wunder has shocked, entertained, and advised millions of visitors on his blog, Ghetto Genius, since 2010. WAIT…WHAT?! collects the best and the most ridiculous stories, best-of lists, and advice columns, with never-before-seen insights into the wild life of J-Wunder and his partners in crime, Anonymous and The Ringer.
Highlights include: The epic saga of hooking up with Cat Woman - the craziest cat lady on Match.Com The Hate List of Facebook (parts 1, 2, and 3): Everything we hate about the largest social network The Daily Grind: advice and stories to encourage you to work hard and play even harder Straight talking relationship advice, from the only guy willing to tell it like it isBlogging taught J-Wunder not to take life too seriously, and sharing his misfortunes not only makes people laugh, but helps them with their own problems. Like a train wreck you can’t look away from, WAIT…WHAT?! LIFE ADVICE FROM A GHETTO GENIUS is filled with stories that are too hilarious and horrifying to be anything but true.
Did you know...
that the word bar is short for barrier? Yes, that’s right—to keep the customers from getting at all the booze.
that Winston Churchill’s mother supposedly invented the Manhattan?
that the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock because the sailors on the Mayflower were running low on beer and were tired of sharing?
that you have a higher chance of being killed by a flying Champagne cork than by a poisonous spider?
that the Code of Hammurabi mandated that brewers of low-quality beer be drowned in it?
that beer was so popular with medieval priests and monks that in the thirteenth century they stopped baptizing babies with holy water and started using beer?
In this totally and awesomely revised edition of the best-selling original, readers will find defs--mostly new, some updated, and all fularious--for the most current word creations.
The CollegeHumor Guide to College is a laugh-out-loud depiction of the college experience. Written primarily by two of CollegeHumor’s most popular columnists, Ethan Trex and Streeter Seidell, this guide features all-new material not found on the Web site. It also includes helpful advice—the kind you probably won’t hear from a college counselor—on an array of subjects, such as food, clothing, parents, dating, sex, drinking, and roommates. Filled with outrageous illustrations, this edgy and irreverent book will be indispensable to all present and future undergraduates.
In the nostalgic opening chapter, Rich recalls his fear of the Tooth Fairy (“Is there a face fairy?”) and his initial reaction to the “Got-your-nose” game (“Please just kill me. Better to die than to live the rest of my life as a monster”). He goes on to present Count Dracula’s desperate Match.com profile (“I am normal human looking for human woman to come to castle. I am normal, regular human”). Later, he gets inside the heads of two firehouse Dalmatians who can’t understand their masters’ compulsion to drive off to horrible fires every day. And in the final chapter, he tackles some of life’s biggest questions: Does God really have a plan for us? Yes, it turns out. Now if only He could remember what it was. . . .
Praise for Simon Rich’s Ant Farm
“Ant Farm has an imaginative power that can trigger snort-fests. . . . Ferociously creative, this book is for readers craving both smart humor and belly laughs.”
–People (four stars)
–The New York Times
“Hilarious. Open this book anywhere, begin reading, and you will laugh.”
“Ant Farm is what all humor books should be: full of brief, high-concept musings that you wish you’d thought of yourself.”
–Time Out New York
“A satirical salmagundi that bites back . . . Imaginative premises abound. . . . As unpredictable as YouTube, as in your face as MySpace.”
From the Hardcover edition.
You can study Chinese for years, but do you really know how to talk like a native speaker? The next book in Plume?s foreign language slang series, Niubi! will make sure you learn all the colorful vernacular words and phrases used by Chinese people of all ages in a variety of situations, including flirting and dating, wheeling and dealing, and even specific Internet slang?not to mention plenty of Chinese words that are . . . well, best not to mention.
Accessible and useful to complete novices (Niubi! newbies), intermediate students of Mandarin Chinese, or just anyone who enjoys cursing in other languages, this irreverent guide is packed with hilarious anecdotes and illustrations, mini cultural lessons, and contextual explanations. So whether you?re planning a trip to Beijing, flirting with an online acquaintance from Shanghai, or just want to start a fight in Chinatown?Niubi! will ensure that nothing you say is lost in translation.
With wit, whimsy, and wonder, British expatriate Helena Frith Powell uncovers the secrets of chic living in All You Need to Be Impossibly French, a cheeky guide to releasing your inner Frenchwoman. Delving deep into a mysterious realm of face creams, silk lingerie, and shopping-as-exercise, Powell reveals how French women stay impossibly thin and irresistibly sexy by achieving the maximum effect from the minimum amount of effort. Forget diet and inspiration books and style guides—this is all you need to embrace the wisdom of French living, and learn how to turn every day into la petite aventure.
The bigger they are, the harder they fall . . . and the more they pounce on one another. That's the message that comes through in Boze Hadleigh's celebrity gossip collection, Celebrity Diss and Tell. Goodness, they have something to say about everyone! Luckily for those who relish insider information and star dirt, Hadleigh is right there to capture their spicy quotes.
Celebrity Diss and Tell includes hundreds of quotations, snipes, and off-the-cuff remarks. The author divides the book into six sections, covering everything from fellow celebrities and stars' families to lost loves and celebrity slugfests. All of this makes for riveting reading: Open to any page and you're instantly stuck in the down and dirty world of off-screen frankness, such as "How difficult can it be to fly an airplane? I mean, John Travolta learned how." --Graham Chapman of Monty Python
They're all here, from Robin Williams to Halle Berry. If anyone has anything good to say about anybody . . . you won't find it in these pages. But that's what makes Celebrity Diss and Tell such a good and cathartic read. These stars are only human, after all, and nobody can sparkle all the time.
Advice that ranges from practical (Chapter 17: Do Your Crying on a Cat) to philosophical (Chapter 21: Make Peace With Sunshine) punctuates a laugh-out-loud memoir tracing the depression thread from Novak's average suburban childhood to her current adult New York City existence, an imperfect but healthy-ish life in which Novak is mostly upright but still rarely does laundry.
At heart, How to Weep in Public provides a no-pressure, safe-zone for the reader to curl up inside. Keep this book on the shelf to be returned to it as needed – after all, depression is recurring. Jacqueline will be waiting to you tell you “You can fight another day.” No, not as in “fight on another day” but “fight this some other day.”
Whether you’re coping with the occasional down day, or thriving fully in Picasso’s blue period, How to Weep in Public is the perfect place to regroup during a dark stint. So sit back, relax, and let Jacqueline Novak show you how to navigate the shadowy corridors of your troubled mind or the cheese display at the supermarket when food is the only thing that can save you.
Wry, hilarious, and profoundly genuine, this debut collection of literary essays from Sloane Crosley is a celebration of fallibility and haplessness in all their glory.
From despoiling an exhibit at the Natural History Museum to provoking the ire of her first boss to siccing the cops on her mysterious neighbor, Crosley can do no right despite the best of intentions -- or perhaps because of them. Together, these essays create a startlingly funny and revealing portrait of a complex and utterly recognizable character who aims for the stars but hits the ceiling, and the inimitable city that has helped shape who she is. I Was Told There'd Be Cake introduces a strikingly original voice, chronicling the struggles and unexpected beauty of modern urban life.
Sloane Crosley is also the author of How Did You Get This Number.
From the Trade Paperback edition.
"It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on." --Marilyn Monroe
"The psychiatrist asked me if I thought sex was dirty and I said, 'It is if you're doing it right.'" --Woody Allen
"I need more sex, okay? Before I die, I wanna taste everyone in the world." --Angelina Jolie
Size does matter, and at 304 pages, A Collection of Sexy Quotes will satisfy the most voracious of appetites. Keep it on your nightstand for some literary foreplay, or keep it on your coffee table to see if any of your guests can resist its seductive subject. Wherever you keep it, A Collection of Sexy Quotes is the one book in your collection you will never have to dust.
Unfortunately science has not yet answered that first question to our complete satisfaction, but through the power of the Human imagination the answer to the second is now within our grasp. Science Fiction has provided us with a vast array of hypothetical alien species with which to potentially bump uglies with and this book shall explore some of the more popular ones, along with some general advice that's just super useful to know.
If you ever needed someone to tell you not to have sex with a Xenomorph, this is the book for you. Or maybe you were looking for help with wooing a Super Logical Space Elf? Perhaps you saw the Gangster Space Slugs and decided, hey, maybe I'd look good in a slave girl costume? If you've ever needed straight up advice about knocking boots with fictional aliens, well, you've needed this book.
Boldly Going is a funny, lighthearted look at how a particularly amorous spacefaring individual of any gender or sexual preference might go about achieving sexual satisfaction with any alien species. It's designed to make you laugh, and think. Or in some cases... not think.
From those with zero shame ("Let's take a bubble bath together?!"), to the chancers ("U wanna go to Mexico with me?" "No" "What about New Mexico?") and the deluded ("I'm moving to England and I'd like you to come with me"), and some of the best put downs you wished you'd thought of ("Not today, Satan"), you will simultaneously cringe and cry with laughter at these hilarious exchanges between exes.
Celebrating history's greatest mental lapses, is a perfect impulse book in the fine gift format of Famous Last Words. Not just outlandishly funny, it's also a book of great comfortÑafter all, having a senior moment puts you in the company of Einstein, Lincoln, Beethoven, Newton, Toscanini, and a whole assortment of presidents, poets, philosophers, popes, and Nobel PrizeÐwinners. Talk about gaffes. Here are best men forgetting to show up at the wedding. Judges staggered by the incompetence of their previous decisions. Senators frozen in front of TV cameras. Olympic officials gazing absently while bewildered runners continue through the finish line. Bono losing the only copy of his lyrics to a new album. Forget to pick up your copy today!
More than 500 entries of sage advice show us how to get through life with a little grace and a lot of fun. From how to accept compliments, to when to wear “cami-knickers,” to how to deal with ambivalence (toward lovers, friends or foes), and just why ample proportions and owning a cat and a fancy dress are more fulfilling than sex. Like a dictionary, topics are cross-referenced and many include insights from the famed and infamous: Oscar Wilde, Coco Chanel, Mae West, Kurt Vonnegut, Even Ensler, Camus, Anais Nin, and Shakespeare. A typical progression of entries is: Affairs, Age, Arrangements, Bananas, Beauty, and Beds, followed by Bereavement, Birthdays, BFs, Blueberries, and Bolt Holes.
From those conversations and counseling sessions with your mother, sisters, daughters, and friends to those moments in modern life that only women can understand, The Book for Dangerous Women is the grown-up and contemporary reference book every woman needs.
More than fifty years have passed since the death of Ernest Hemingway, history's ultimate man, and young males today—obsessed with Facebook, Twitter, and Playstation—know nothing about his legendary brand of rugged, alcoholic masculinity. They cannot skin a fish, dominate a battlefield, or transform majestic creatures of the Southern Hemisphere into piano keyboards.
The Heming Way demonstrates how modern eunuchs—brainwashed by PETA and Alcoholics Anonymous—can learn from Papa's unparalleled example: drunken, unshaven, meat-devouring, wife-divorcing, and gloriously self-destructive.
How to kill enough animals to render a species endangered—just like Papa!
Getting your friends to think drinking a daiquiri is manly . . . just by drinking one nine yourself
Achieving sufficiently high testosterone levels to never have to worry about the chance of having a daughter instead of a son
And much more!
Profane, insightful, hilarious and loaded with more than 150 photos, facts and insights about Papa, The Heming Way is a difficult path, and not for the weak, but truth is manlier than fiction.
You've made it so far.
You're an adult now,
you're even allowed
in a bar.
But long before you're
going to succeed,
You'll eff shit up,
This ultimate graduation present is sure to bring a nervous smile to the face of any young adult about to face the wide world.
For him, she's just that into you: If she spends more than six hours a day waiting for you to call. If her therapist wants to meet you. If she wants to kill herself only to hurt you.
For her, some early warning signs you're obsessed: Are you spending more than fourteen hours a day in bed? Do you go to church or temple only to pray that he will come back to you? Are you frequently misplacing your keys, your wallet, your children and/or your sense of humor?
Ex-girlfriend and author Linda Sunshine will keep you laughing as she divulges the secrets of obsessive love.
"I could not say, sir."
That, in brief, is the essence of the relationship between aristocrat Bertie Wooster and his dryly superior valet, Jeeves. Originally published in The Strand magazine from 1918 to 1922 and later collected as The Inimitable Jeeves, these ten tales by comedic master P. G. Wodehouse abound in sparkling wit.
"Scoring off Jeeves" recounts a lunch with Aunt Agatha ("A pretty frightful ordeal … Practically the nearest thing to being disemboweled."), who insists that Bertie propose to Honaria Glossop ("simply nothing more nor less than a pot of poison"), necessitating Jeeves' rescue of the perennial bachelor ("and according to my nearest and dearest, practically a half-witted bachelor at that"). Other stories include "The Delayed Exit of Claude and Eustace," featuring Bertie's frolicsome cousins ("as innocuous as a pair of sprightly young tarantulas"); "Aunt Agatha Takes the Count," involving our hero's formidable relative and her intrusion upon his vacation in the south of France; and "Comrade Bingo," in which Bertie's school chum masquerades as a Bolshevist and Jeeves comes very near to being rattled.
Ray also shares incredibly funny stories from the lives of others, stories that will keep you laughing for days to come. This treasure chest of laughter is a very effective evangelistic tool that gently leads the reader to God, the one who created our sense of humor in the first place. It will help those who do not know Him to experience the fullness of His joy in their lives both now and forevermore.
There is The First Posture, where two are yoked as one (yet the calorie count remains unchanged). The Pair of Tongs, allowing the woman to be open, free, sweet and crunchy. Pounding the Spot, requiring the suppleness of freshly rolled dough. There is Scissors, Autumn Dog, Tripod, The Wheelbarrow, The Snake Trap. And, for the advanced and adventurous, The Suspended Congress—great care must be taken lest the cookies crumble.
Women with attitude; chicks with balls; and spirited females who proudly own the word “bitches.” Bad Girls Go Everywhere is a collection of 300 kick-ass quotes with words of wisdom, inspiration, humor, and sass from past and present-day women who aren't afraid to tell it like it is. From Queen Victoria to Queen Latifah, from Bette Davis to Betty White, and from Maria Callas to Mindy Kaling, the fun females in this book comment on everything from body image, truth, and self-actualization to men, relationships, and work. Also included are 50 full-color and black-and-white images throughout.