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Introduction
The Seven Churches of Asia
1: The Rock Foundation
Foundation of the Church
Opening of the Kingdom of Heaven
Church Government
2: The Day of Pentecost
Resurrection and Ascension of Christ
Descent of the Holy Ghost
Calling in of the Gentiles
First Christian Martyr
3: The Disciples Persecuted and Scattered
Jerusalem and Samaria United by the Gospel
Conversion of Saul of Tarsus
4: The First Missionaries of the Cross
The Twelve Apostles
Herodian Line of Kings
5: The Apostle Paul
First Visit to Jerusalem
First Missionary Journey
Third Visit to Jerusalem
Visit to Athens
6: Paul's Third Missionary Journey
Departure for Macedonia
Fifth Visit to Jerusalem
Before the Sanhedrin
Martyrdom of Paul
7: The Burning of Rome
First Persecution Under the Emperors
Downfall of Jerusalem
The Real Cause of Persecution
Persecutions in France
8: The Internal History of the Church
Apostolic Fathers
Origin of Clergy and Laity
Origin of Dioceses
9: From Commodus till the Accession of Constantine.
Persecution in Africa
Altered Position of Christianity
The General State of Christianity
The Condition of the Church
10: Constantine the Great
Church as Constantine Found It
Effects of Royal Favour
Baptism and Death of Constantine
11: The Council of Nice
The Council of Tyre
The Barbaric Invaders
12: The Internal History of the Church
Infant Baptism
First Society of Ascetics
Calamities of Rome
13: The Epistle to the Church in Thyatira
Leo the First, Surnamed the Great
Missionary Zeal of Gregory
Romish Hierarchy in England
14: The Spread of Christianity Over Europe
First Preachers in Ireland
First Preachers in Scotland
Foreshadowing of the Man of Sin
15: Mohammed, the False Prophet of Asia.
Religion of Islam
Successors of Mohammed.
Second Council of Nicaea
16: The Silver Line of Sovereign Grace
Origin of the Paulicians
Religious Wars of Charlemagne
Feudal Hierarchical System.
17: The Propagation of Christianity
Louis the Pious
The Slavonians Receive the Gospel
England, Scotland, and Ireland
18: The Church-Building Spirit Revived.
Learning of the Arabs Imported into Christendom
Traces of the Silver Line of God's Grace
19: The Pontificate of Gregory VII
Gregory and Clerical Independence
Celibacy and Simony
The Emperor Deposed by the Pope
Effects of the Papal Policy
Burning of Ancient Rome
20: The Crusades
The First Crusade
The Second Crusade
The Third Crusade
The Remainder of the Crusades
21: Henry V and Gregory's Successors
St. Bernard, Abbot of Clairvaux.
The Great Council of the Lateran
Arnold of Brescia
22: The Encroachments of Rome in England
The Introduction of Canon Law into England
Thomas a Becket and Henry II
The "Constitutions of Clarendon"
23: The Theology of the Church of Rome
Transubstantiation
Mary — Worship
Saint — Worship
Relic — Worship
Purgatory
Extreme Unction
Auricular Confession
Indulgences.
24: Innocent III and His Times
Innocent's Views of Popedom
Philip and Otho
Innocent and England
England Surrendered to Rome
25: Innocent and the South of France
Peter Waldo
Raymond a Spiritual Outlaw
The Real Object of the Catholics
26: The Inquisition Established in Languedoc
The Application of Torture
The Auto de Fe
St. Benedict
New Orders — St. Dominic and St. Francis
27: The Approaching Dawn of the Reformation
Christianity in Ireland
Christianity in Scotland
Popery as a System.
28: The Decline of Papal Power
Gregory IX and Frederick II
The Overruling Hand of God
The Humiliation of the Pontiff
29: The Forerunners of the Reformation
Literary Men
The Theologians
The Waldenses
The Dark Year of 1560
30: John Wycliffe
England and the Papacy
Wycliffe and the Bible
The Lollards.
31: The Reformation Movement in Bohemia
The Imprisonment of John Huss
The Arrest and Imprisonment of Jerome
The United Brethren or Moravians
32: The Capture of Constantinople
The First Printed Bible
The Immediate Precursors of Luther
Reflections on the Life of Savonarola
33: The Reformation in Germany
Popery and Mankind
The First Period of Luther's Life
Luther's Conversion
34: The First Papal Jubilee
Luther's Public Appeal
Distinguished Men of the Sixteenth Century
The Diet of Worms
35: Luther at Wartburg.
Luther and the German Bible
The Hundred Grievances
The First Diet of Spires
36: Protestantism
The Lutheran Churches
Meetings of the Protestants
37: The Sacramentarian Controversy
The Conference at Marburg
A Proposal for Toleration and Unity
38: The Council at Bologna
The Diet of Augsburg
The Articles of Faith
The Letters of Melanchthon and Luther
39: The Popish Refutation
The Final Decree
The League of Smalcald
The Peace of Ratisbon
40: The Reformation in Switzerland
Zwingle, Pastor of Glaris
The Rising Storm
41: The Leaders of the Reformation in Switzerland
The Progress of the Reformation-Zurich
Zwingle and His Brothers
The Disputations at Zurich
42: The Results of the Disputations
The Answer of Zurich to Lucerne
The Swiss and German Reformation
The Weapons of Rome's Warfare
43: The General Progress of Reform
The Reformation in Berne
The Conference at Baden
The Great Conference at Berne
The Reformation of Basle
44: The Extension of Reform in Switzerland.
The Five Cantons Form a League with Austria
The Treaty of Cappel
War Declared Against Zurich
45: The Reformation in Germany
The Great Actors Passing Off the Scene
The Death of Luther
Reflections on the Life of Luther
46: The Opening of the Council of Trent
The Smalcald War
The Treachery of Maurice
The German's Treated as a Conquered People
47: "The Interim"
The Revolution in Germany
The Calamities of the Protestants
The Rise of the Jesuits
48: The Effect of the Reformation in Germany on the Nations of Europe
Nations of Europe
Sweden and Denmark
Italy
Spain
The Netherlands
49: The Reformation in French Switzerland
Early History of William Farel
The Arrival of Calvin in Geneva
Calvin and Calvinism
50: The Reformation in France
The Bible in French at Meaux
Commencement of Persecution in France
The Year of the Placards
51: The Great Progress of the Reformation
The First Planting of the Reformed Church in France
The Saint Bartholomew Massacre
The Council of Trent
52: The Waldenses
The Wars of Extermination
The Sympathy of England
The Persecution and Expulsion of the Waldenses
53: The Reformation in the British Isles
Ireland
Scotland
The Fiery Zeal of Cardinal Beaton
George Wishart
John Knox
54: The Reformation in England
The Reformation Begun
The Persecution Begins
Ridley, Latimer, and Cranmer
55: The Reign of Elizabeth
The Puritans
John Wesley
Sunday Schools
Foreign Missions
56: Philadelphia
Laodicea
Church Truth
The Spread of the Truth
Conclusion
Andrew Miller's new novel is vividly realized fiction played out against the rich caophony of Paris on the cusp of the French Rveolution.
Jean-Baptiste Baratte–an ambitious young engineer of modest origin–arives in the capital in 1785, charged by the King's minister with emptying the overflowing cemetery of Les Innocents, an ancient site whose stench is poisoning the neighborhood's air and water.
At first Baratte sees his work as a chance to clear the burden of history, a fitting task for a modern man of reason. But before long he begins to suspect that the destruction of the cemetery might be a prelude to his own fate and to the demise of the social order.
Baratte cannot forsee the dramas and calamities his task will trigger, or the incident that will transform his life. As unrest against the court of Louis XVI mounts, the engineer realizes that the future he had planned may no longer be the one he wants. His assignment becomes a year of relentless effort, a year of assault and sudden death. A year of friendship, too, and of desire and love. A year unlike any other he has lived.
How do Bitcoin and its block chain actually work? How secure are your bitcoins? How anonymous are their users? Can cryptocurrencies be regulated? These are some of the many questions this book answers. It begins by tracing the history and development of Bitcoin and cryptocurrencies, and then gives the conceptual and practical foundations you need to engineer secure software that interacts with the Bitcoin network as well as to integrate ideas from Bitcoin into your own projects. Topics include decentralization, mining, the politics of Bitcoin, altcoins and the cryptocurrency ecosystem, the future of Bitcoin, and more.
An essential introduction to the new technologies of digital currencyCovers the history and mechanics of Bitcoin and the block chain, security, decentralization, anonymity, politics and regulation, altcoins, and much moreFeatures an accompanying website that includes instructional videos for each chapter, homework problems, programming assignments, and lecture slidesAlso suitable for use with the authors' Coursera online courseElectronic solutions manual (available only to professors)
As the following Meditations were more the expression of my feelings, than any attempt at exposition, when they were written, I have not thought it right to alter a single word in a second edition. As such, they remain as a memorial of my experience at that time. And I can truly thank the Lord for any measure of communion with Him that is traceable in these pages. That He may continue to bless the little book to many precious souls is my most earnest prayer. A.M. London.
Andrew Miller's The Crossing is a fascinating modern tale of a brave and uncompromising woman's attempt to seize control of her life and fate.
Who else has entered Tim's life the way Maud did? This girl who fell past him, lay seemingly dead on the ground, then stood and walked. That was where it all began. He wants her—wants to rescue her, to reach her. Yet there is nothing to suggest Maud has any need of him, that she is not already complete. A woman with a talent for survival, who works long hours and loves to sail—preferably on her own.
When Maud finds her unfulfilling mariage tested to the breaking point by unspeakbale tragedy, she attempts an escape from her husband and the hypocrisies of society. In her quest she will encounter the impossible and push her mind and body to their limit.
A wise and thrilling portrait of an irreducible heroine who asks no permission and begs no pardon, the book will resonate with sophisticated female readers, of whom there are many. Those who read and adored the Ferrante stories will find in The Crossing a truth that's absent from most contemporary literature.
Brief Thoughts on the Church as the Body and the House
A Slight Sketch of the Holy Spirit's Ways
"Not ashamed of the gospel."
The "Record" and "Christian Standard"
Miller's "Short Papers on Church History"
Letter on Receiving the Spirit (R. Govett)
Reply to the Letter on the Spirit
Jesus the Shepherd (John 10)
Thoughts on Jacob (Gen. 28: 20-22.)
Responsibility
Remarks on the Epistle to the Hebrews
The Resurrection of the Body
Hoare's "Rome, Turkey, and Jerusalem"
The Spirit of God and the Baptism of the Holy Ghost
Letters on the Sufferings of Christ
Neil's "Palestine Re-peopled"
The Advocate or the Accuser?
Fragments
The Son (Heb. 1: 2)
Notes on Greek Tenses, Moods, and Prepositions
Witherby's "Gospel of our Salvation"
Neatby's "Our Lord's Coming Again"
Clem returns to London with his faith in human nature shattered and his life derailed. Nothing-work, love, sex- can rouse his interest and no other outlook can restore his faith. The one person Clem is able to connect with is his sister, who has made her own sudden retreat from reality into the shadows of mental illness, and he finds some peace nursing her back to health in rural Somerset. Then news arrives that offers him the chance to confront the source of his nightmares.
From the celebrated author of Ingenious Pain and Oxygen, this is a masterfully rendered novel that explores the perilously thin line between self-delusion and optimism.
Evoking an extraordinary range of emotions and insights, Oxygen lives and breathes beyond the final page.
Know then, and assuredly believe, O my soul, that thou art one with Him who bore thy sins on the cross, who is now on the throne, and who is coming again to take thee up to be with Himself in His home of love and glory. Wrong ground — a mistaken point of view — leads to great confusion and self-contradiction, to the mixing up of law and gospel, faith and experience, self and Christ. No matter how good our eyesight may be, we cannot see without light. Thou must be in the sunlight of thy Lord's presence to see the true foundation and the divine course of all things. And there, O wondrous truth! O privilege infinite! O blessedness unspeakable! thou art at home — at home, as thou art nowhere else — in the concentrated light of heaven's noonday brightness. He is thy righteousness, absolute and complete, in the presence of God; He is thy eternal life, thy peace, thy joy, thy rest, thy glory. Thus arrayed in the moral glories of thy Lord, and basking in the beams of His complaisant love, what hast thou to fear? And know also, O my soul, that all this is true now — true to faith, though not to experience, and always true in the sight of God.
Subjects covered:
The Cause of Weakness the Source of Strength
Christian Responsibility
Reflections on the Membership of the "One Body"
Reflections on Practical Christianity
Letter from an Old Disciple to a Young Sister in the Lord
Meditations on Psalm 23
Meditations on Psalm 84
Love's Separating Barriers.
Thoughts on Isaiah 7 - 9
"I" and "we" in 1 and 2 Corinthians
Testimony of Peter and John compared with Paul's
The Day of Atonement
Epistles of Paul
The Gospel of God
The Truth
Absent from the body, present with the Lord
Thoughts on the Atonement
Righteousness and Peace
The Sea and the Song (Ex. 14, 15.)
Pauline Greeting
The Bible and its Critics
Difference of Romans 12 and Ephesians 5
The Unsearchable Riches of Christ. (Eph. 3: 8.)
The Beginning of the Creation of God. (Rev. 3: 14.)
In Christ, and the Flesh in Us
The Rest of God. (Lev. 23: 1-8.)
God's Purposes
"Two Sticks," (1 Kings 16: 11, 12.)
"Watchman, what of the night?"
Judas, not Iscariot
Oikos and Oikia
Conversion and Salvation
To Correspondents - The Invercargill Circular
Scripture Queries and Answers 1 - On the breaking of bread and 1 Corinthians 5
Scripture Queries and Answers 2
Scripture Queries and Answers 3
Daniel 9: 24
On "offences." (Matt. 18.)
The Heavenly and His heavenly ones. (1 Cor. 15: 46.)
Conscience
On War
Notice of the story of John Wesley
The Holy Ghost in Person
The Book of Joshua and Epistle to the Hebrews
A Letter on Separation
"Wherefore comfort one another."
The Lord's Table and its Place in the Church
The Church of God
The Difference between Teknon and Huios in the New Testament
A Letter on Separation
Notes on Genesis
Saul and David
Notice of "Short Papers on Church History"
The Penalty Paid
Notice of the "City of Progress."
A Few Thoughts on Hebrews 11
Fellowship, not Independency
Neutrality
Letter on the Lord's Death
The Christ of the Gospels as Seen in the Epistles
Legality and Spiritual Elation
The Ground of the Church of God
"I," Sins, Sin
The Due Spirit of Discipline
Thoughts on 1 John
Giving
Thoughts on John 14
Notes on the Epistle of James
The Hebrew Servant. (Ex. 21: 1-6)
Christ Dwelling in our Hearts by Faith
The Lord in Matthew 28
Thoughts on Deuteronomy 16
Psalms 105, 106.
A word on 2 Peter 3: 17, 18
The Epistle of Christ
Some have raised objections to the title "The Brethren," as giving the idea of a sect; others as arrogating to a particular community that which is equally true of all Christians. Such thoughts never occurred to me while writing the book, and were not suggested by those to whom I spoke of it. Expressions such as "the writings of Brethren," "the meetings of Brethren," etc., are in common use among themselves; which simply mean a convenient designation, and one which cannot be misunderstood. In no other sense is it used here. To be obliged to make use of a description instead of a name would greatly encumber the style and embarrass the writer. A. M.
Chapter 1 — "THE BRETHREN."
Chapter 2 — READING MEETINGS.
Chapter 3 — THE ORIGIN OF THE TITLE — "PLYMOUTH BRETHREN."
Chapter 4 — FALSE DOCTRINE DETECTED.
Chapter 5 — THE TWO CAMPS.
Chapter 6 — GLEANINGS FROM THE WRITINGS OF BRETHREN.
Chapter 7 — CHRISTIAN POSITION.
Chapter 8 — THE CHURCH OF GOD.
Chapter 9 — THE MILLENNIUM.
The man assigned to carry out the operation is Philip Bartlett, the South’s best agent and a spy in Washington since early in the war. Brilliant and ruthless, Bartlett is an aristocrat and a true believer in Southern independence. He has never failed. The spy foresaw this decision by Richmond, but he does not believe in the mission. To Bartlett, failure and success are both the same this time: If successful, he fears what enraged Northern armies will do to the South. If it fails, his remarkable operation in the enemy’s capital will be destroyed for nothing, and good men along with it. But whether the operation fails or succeeds, the spy knows the South will suffer for it, and the war made even harder on his beloved homeland. Still, he he is a soldier and he will follow orders.
Bartlett’s accomplices will be some of the South’s best cavalrymen, disguised as Union troopers. They will enter Washington the night of the operation, meet the spy, and abduct Lincoln as he takes his nightly stroll near the Executive Mansion. They will dash out of the city, then down dark country roads protected by Southern partisans, and into the Rebel capital.
The Confederate spy comes up against an unwitting opponent in Captain Peter Murphy, a young Union officer from a small town in Pennsylvania. Murphy has been damaged by two years of relentless warfare; his sudden bursts of temper and violence have convinced his superiors to send him off to Washington for a few months of rest and recuperation. Murphy is intelligent and sensitive, a teacher and educator before the war, but a man tormented by thoughts that he can never be the person he once was. Murphy has seen combat at Antietam, the Wilderness, Spotsylvania, Cold Harbor, the Shenandoah Valley, and a dozen other places. He is wracked with guilt and confusion at having survived when so many others have fallen. When he is ordered to Washington, he must leave his friends and comrades in the Army of the Potomac, a painful separation for a man already bearing many physical and mental wounds.
Although Philip Bartlett and Peter Murphy come from entirely different worlds, and they could not possibly be more different as human beings, their destinies will meet in Civil War Washington.
The development and proliferation of mentoring and mentoring schemes in education over the last few years has been dramatic, and presents teachers, school managers and leaders, as well as mentors themselves with a challenge. This book presents all mentors plus anyone working with young people with an invaluable guide to approaches to mentoring today. It looks at mentoring as a concept, at what mentoring is, how it is done well and how it can be made more effective.
Written by a leading expert on mentoring, this practical and relevant handbook is backed up throughout by inspiring and relevant case studies and examples from schools and schemes internationally.
Another installment in Tucker Max’s series of stories about his drunken debauchery and ridiculous antics. What began as a simple sentence on an obscure website, “My name is Tucker Max, and I am an asshole,” and developed into two infamously genre-defining books, I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell and Assholes Finish First, ends here.
But as you should expect from Tucker by now, he is going out with a bang—literally and figuratively. In this book, you’ll learn:
* How to live and work in Cancun, while still enrolled in Law School
* Why Halloween is really awesome
* How to subtly torture a highstrung roommate until he explodes with furious anger over a misplaced condiment
* What really happened when a dirty pageant girl tried to sue Tucker because he told the truth
* Why you should never accept a homemade treat from a hippie with a van
As we’ve come to learn from Tucker, assholes do finish first...but everything comes with a price.
Written with the goal of being the most fun you've ever had reading a book, TOTAL FRAT MOVE pulls back the curtain on this world of hard-partying American decadence. The stories are unabashed. They are hilarious. And they are going to blow you away.
You're welcome, world.
For someone who made a career out of over-sharing on the Internet, Tyler has a shocking number of personal mishaps and shenanigans to reveal in his first book: experiencing a legitimate rage blackout in a Cheesecake Factory; negotiating a tense standoff with a White House official; crashing a car in front of his entire high school, in an Arby’s uniform; projectile vomiting while bartering with a grandmother; and so much more. In Binge, Tyler delivers his best untold, hilariously side-splitting moments with the trademark flair that made him a star.
Every time Allie Brosh posts something new on her hugely popular blog Hyperbole and a Half the internet rejoices.
Touching, absurd, and darkly comic, Allie Brosh’s highly anticipated book Hyperbole and a Half showcases her unique voice, leaping wit, and her ability to capture complex emotions with deceptively simple illustrations.
This full-color, beautifully illustrated edition features more than fifty percent new content, with ten never-before-seen essays and one wholly revised and expanded piece as well as classics from the website like, “The God of Cake,” “Dogs Don’t Understand Basic Concepts Like Moving,” and her astonishing, “Adventures in Depression,” and “Depression Part Two,” which have been hailed as some of the most insightful meditations on the disease ever written.
Brosh’s debut marks the launch of a major new American humorist who will surely make even the biggest scrooge or snob laugh. We dare you not to.
FROM THE AUTHOR:
This is a book I wrote. Because I wrote it, I had to figure out what to put on the back cover to explain what it is. I tried to write a long, third-person summary that would imply how great the book is and also sound vaguely authoritative—like maybe someone who isn’t me wrote it—but I soon discovered that I’m not sneaky enough to pull it off convincingly. So I decided to just make a list of things that are in the book:
Pictures
Words
Stories about things that happened to me
Stories about things that happened to other people because of me
Eight billion dollars*
Stories about dogs
The secret to eternal happiness*
*These are lies. Perhaps I have underestimated my sneakiness!
With a new bonus chapter
In Talking as Fast as I Can, Lauren Graham hits pause for a moment and looks back on her life, sharing laugh-out-loud stories about growing up, starting out as an actress, and, years later, sitting in her trailer on the Parenthood set and asking herself, “Did you, um, make it?” She opens up about the challenges of being single in Hollywood (“Strangers were worried about me; that’s how long I was single!”), the time she was asked to audition her butt for a role, and her experience being a judge on Project Runway (“It’s like I had a fashion-induced blackout”).
In “What It Was Like, Part One,” Graham sits down for an epic Gilmore Girls marathon and reflects on being cast as the fast-talking Lorelai Gilmore. The essay “What It Was Like, Part Two” reveals how it felt to pick up the role again nine years later, and what doing so has meant to her.
Some more things you will learn about Lauren: She once tried to go vegan just to bond with Ellen DeGeneres, she’s aware that meeting guys at awards shows has its pitfalls (“If you’re meeting someone for the first time after three hours of hair, makeup, and styling, you’ve already set the bar too high”), and she’s a card-carrying REI shopper (“My bungee cords now earn points!”).
Including photos and excerpts from the diary Graham kept during the filming of the recent Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life, this book is like a cozy night in, catching up with your best friend, laughing and swapping stories, and—of course—talking as fast as you can.
Over six million social media fans can’t be wrong: Miranda Sings is one of the funniest faces on YouTube. As a bumbling, ironically talentless, self-absorbed personality (a young Gilda Radner, if you will), she offers up a vlog of helpful advice every week on her widely popular YouTube channel. For the first time ever, Miranda is putting her advice to paper in this easy-to-follow guide, illustrated by Miranda herself. In it, you’ll find instructions on everything: how to get a boyfriend (wear all black and carry a fishing net), to dressing for a date (sequins and an orange tutu), to performing magic (“Magic is Lying”), and much, much more! Miranda-isms abound in these self-declared lifesaving pages, and if you don’t like it…well, as Miranda would say…“Haters, back off!”
“These hands are so fast, I can get your wallet before you know it. In a minute, you’ll be standing there buck naked and won’t know what hit you!” “Look here—if it wasn’t for my tripped knee, I’d be playing in the NBA today.” “Hey, Jack!” Any of these sound familiar? If they do—or even if they don’t—you’re in for a good laugh. The brother of patriarch Phil Robertson, Uncle Si has a limitless supply of stories about his childhood, duck hunting adventures, his days in Vietnam, and everything in between. Now the best of those tales are gathered into this roaring book.
And as Uncle Si recounts his outlandish tales, he weaves in an up-close look into his personal life. You’ll learn about his childhood as the youngest son in the Robertson family, his college days, and how he came to use a green Tupperware cup for his ever-present tea.. And in many of these never-before-heard tales, Si openly talks about his wife Christine and two children, Scott and Trasa—who are never seen and rarely mentioned on the show.
Sure to please die-hard fans and curious newbies alike, Si’s one-liners are presented alongside fun, expressive photographs, as well as photos of his family. As you learn about his behind-the-scenes life, this smattering of zany stories will have you falling over with laughter and retelling them to all your friends.
“Hell no, you can’t go to the bathroom. You know where you can go? The f**k to sleep.”
Go the Fuck to Sleep is a book for parents who live in the real world, where a few snoozing kitties and cutesy rhymes don’t always send a toddler sailing blissfully off to dreamland. Profane, affectionate, and radically honest, it captures the familiar—and unspoken—tribulations of putting your little angel down for the night.
Read by a host of celebrities, from Samuel L. Jackson to Jennifer Garner, this subversively funny bestselling storybook will not actually put your kids to sleep, but it will leave you laughing so hard you won’t care.
What do you do after you write a #1 bestselling book about your drunken, sexual misadventures that makes you rich and famous? Celebrate by getting more drunk and having insane amounts of sex, obviously. And pretty soon you’ve got another bestselling book on your hands.
Stuffed full of ridiculous stories of bad decisions, debauchery, and sexual recklessness, Assholes Finish First starts where I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell left off, then proceeds to “some next-level shit.”
You already know how women react to confidence, game, and vodka, but what happens when you add money and fame to the mix? You get answers to the hard questions you've never thought of asking:
• What’s it like to have sex with a midget? What about two midgets?
• What does it do to a man to watch a nineteen-year-old do wind sprints to sober up, so that she can have sex with you before her twin sister does?
• At what number of virgins does deflowering them stop being fun and start feeling like a job?
• When a girl you met three hours ago decides to tattoo your name on her body, what is the appropriate reaction?
The answers are inside, they are absurd and hilarious, and they are the product of one man's experiences:
His name is Tucker Max, and he is still an asshole.
Since the dawn of history man has searched for the answer to the most fundamental of questions: “Why am I here…not banging chicks?” The search is over. Now, with the help of The Playbook, you’ll be able to approach any beautiful woman, discover her innermost passion, and use that to trick her into sleeping with you. You’ll master more than seventy-five seduction techniques, developed by pickup guru and all-around good guy Barney Stinson, guaranteed to turn you into a bona fide ladies’ man. Featuring the famous plays including:
· The Lorenzo Von Matterhorn
· Mrs. Stinsfire
· The Ted Mosby
· The Time Traveler
· The “SNASA”
· The Scuba Diver
· The “He’s Not Coming”
…and other greatest hits from Barney Stinson’s secret Playbook of legendary moves. So suit up and get ready to be schooled in awesomeness.
By the host of The Grace Helbig Show on E! and the it’sGrace YouTube channel, comedian Grace Helbig offers an irreverent and illustrated guide to life for anyone faced with the challenge of growing up.
Infused with her trademark saucy, sweet, and funny voice, Grace’s Guide is a tongue-in-cheek handbook for millennials, encompassing everything a young or new (or regular or old) adult needs to know, from how to live online to landing a job to surviving a breakup to decorating a first apartment, and much more. Charmingly illustrated, Grace’s Guide features full-color photos, interactive worksheets, and exclusive stories from Grace’s own misadventures, including her disastrous interview for NBC’s Page Program, her lifelong struggles with anxiety, the first (and also last) time she entered a beauty pageant, meeting her first boyfriend at a high school Latin convention, and many other hilarious lessons she learned the hard way.
Amusing and unexpectedly educational, this refreshing and colorful guide proves that becoming an adult doesn’t necessarily mean you have to grow up.
If you graduated from college but still feel like a student . . . if you wear a business suit to job interviews but pajamas to the grocery store . . . if you have your own apartment but no idea how to cook or clean . . . it's OK. But it doesn't have to be this way.
Just because you don't feel like an adult doesn't mean you can't act like one. And it all begins with this funny, wise, and useful book. Based on Kelly Williams Brown's popular blog, ADULTING, makes the scary, confusing "real world" approachable, manageable--and even conquerable. This guide will help you to navigate the stormy Sea of Adulthood so that you may find safe harbor in Not Running Out of Toilet Paper Bay, and along the way you will learn:
What to check for when renting a new apartment--not just the nearby bars, but the faucets and stove, among other things. When a busy person can find time to learn more about the world (It involves the intersection of NPR and hair-straightening.)How to avoid hooking up with anyone in your office--iImagine your coworkers having plastic, featureless doll crotches. It helps. The secret to finding a mechanic you love--or, more realistically, one that will not rob you blind.
From breaking up with frenemies to fixing your toilet, this way fun comprehensive handbook is the answer for aspiring grown-ups of all ages.
Brittany Gibbons has been a plus size her whole life. But instead of hiding herself in the shadows of thinner women, Brittany became a wildly popular blogger and national spokesmodel—known for stripping on stage at TedX and standing in Times Square in a bikini on national television, and making skinny people everywhere uncomfortable.
Talking honestly about size and body image on her popular blog, brittanyherself.com, she has ignited a national conversation. Now in her first book, she shares hilarious and painfully true stories about her life as a weird overweight girl growing up in rural Ohio, struggling with dating and relationships, giving the middle finger to dieting, finding love with a man smaller than her, accidentally having three kids, and figuring out the secret to loving her curves and becoming a nationally recognized body image advocate. And there’s sex, lots of it!
Fat Girl Walking isn’t a diet book. It isn’t one of those former fat people memoirs about how someone battled, and won, in the fight against fat. Brittany doesn’t lose all the weight and reveal the happy, skinny girl that’s been hiding inside her. Instead, she reminds us that being chubby doesn’t mean you’ll end up alone, unhappy, or the subject of a cable medical show. What’s important is learning to love your shape. With her infectious humor and soul-baring honesty, Fat Girl Walking reveals a life full of the same heartbreak, joy, oddity, awkwardness, and wonder as anyone else’s. Just with better snacks.
Life doesn't get more hilarious than when Chelsea Handler takes aim with her irreverent wit. Who else would send all-staff emails to smoke out the dumbest people on her show? Now, in this new collection of original essays, the #1 bestselling author of Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea delivers one laugh-out-loud moment after another as she sets her sights on the ridiculous side of childhood, adulthood, and daughterhood.
Family moments are fair game, whether it's writing a report on Reaganomics to earn a Cabbage Patch doll, or teaching her father social graces by ordering him to stay indoors. It's open season on her love life, from playing a prank on her boyfriend (using a ravioli, a fake autopsy, and the Santa Monica pier) to adopting a dog so she can snuggle with someone who doesn't talk. And everyone better duck for cover when her beach vacation turns into matchmaking gone wild. Outrageously funny and deliciously wicked, CHELSEA CHELSEA BANG BANG is good good good good!
CHELSEA HANDLER ON...
Being unpopular: "My parents couldn't have been more unreasonable when it came to fads or clothes that weren't purchased at a pharmacy."
Living with her boyfriend: "He's similar to a large toddler, the only difference being he doesn't cry when he wakes up."
Appreciating her brother: "He's a certified public accountant, and I have a real life."
Arm-wrestling a maid of honor: "It wasn't her strength that intimidated me. It was the starry way her eyes focused on me, like Mike Tyson getting ready to feed."
In this universally accessible New York Times bestseller named for her wildly popular web series, Issa Rae—“a singular voice with the verve and vivacity of uncorked champagne” (Kirkus Reviews)—waxes humorously on what it’s like to be unabashedly awkward in a world that regards introverts as hapless misfits and black as cool.
I’m awkward—and black. Someone once told me those were the two worst things anyone could be. That someone was right. Where do I start?
Being an introvert (as well as “funny,” according to the Los Angeles Times) in a world that glorifies cool isn’t easy. But when Issa Rae, the creator of the Shorty Award-winning hit series The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl, is that introvert—whether she’s navigating love, the workplace, friendships, or “rapping”—it sure is entertaining. Now, in this New York Times bestselling debut collection written in her witty and self-deprecating voice, Rae covers everything from cybersexing in the early days of the Internet to deflecting unsolicited comments on weight gain, from navigating the perils of eating out alone and public displays of affection to learning to accept yourself—natural hair and all.
The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl is a book no one—awkward or cool, black, white, or other—will want to miss.
What It Is: Steven Universe is just your normal everyday Beach City citizen—who is anything but normal! Join Steven as he learns how to save the day with the help of Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl, discovering what it means to be a great friend and an even better neighbor. Written by Jeremy Sorese (Adventure Time) and illustrated by Coleman Engle (Regular Show), Steven Universe explores the magical world of the hit Cartoon Network show with all-new adventures sure to make your gem shine. Collects issues #1-4.
"...perfectly captures what makes the show effective and compelling. The emotional beats are present and the art direction is delightful." - Comicosity
Things you should know about Pusheen.
Birthday: February 18
Sex: Female
Where she lives: In the house, on the couch, underfoot
Her favorite pastime: Blogging, sleeping
Her best feature: Her toe beans
Her favorite food: All of them
Pusheen is a pleasantly plump cat who has warmed hearts and tickled funny bones of millions worldwide with her signature GIF animated bops, bounces, and tail wiggles. Now, Pusheen is ready to make the leap from digital to print in her first comic collection! Learn what makes her purr and find out why millions of people have already fallen in love with this naughty, adorable kitty. Featuring some of the most popular stories from Pusheen’s Tumblr and Facebook pages (plus a healthy serving of never-before-seen material), I Am Pusheen the Cat is a treat for cat lovers and comics fans alike.
What It Is: Steven Universe and the rest of the Crystal Gems are bonafide heroes, saving Beach City day after day. But you know who else is a hero? Greg Universe! Steven’s dad might not have Crystal Gem powers, but he’s a valuable member of the team, too! This oversized collection of shorts features father-and-son fun, as Greg teaches Steven some valuable life lessons.
One of the undisputed heavyweight champions of American comedy, with nineteen appearances on the Johnny Carson show, thirteen HBO specials, five Grammys, and a critical Supreme Court battle over censorship under his belt, George Carlin saw it all throughout his extraordinary fifty-year career, and made fun of most of it. Last Words is the story of the man behind some of the most seminal comedy of the last half century, blending his signature acerbic humor with never-before-told stories from his own life, including encounters with a Who’s Who of 1970s celebrity—from Lenny Bruce to Hugh Hefner—and the origins of some of his most famous standup routines. Carlin’s early conflicts, his long struggle with substance abuse, his turbulent relationships with his family, and his triumphs over catastrophic setbacks all fueled the unique comedic worldview he brought to the stage. From the heights of stardom to the low points few knew about, Last Words is told with the same razor-sharp wit and unblinking honesty that made Carlin one of the best-loved comedians in American history
When Meena literally throws herself at Leo and declares he’s her mate, his first reaction is to deny—and run far, far away. This lion/tiger mix doesn’t do drama and chaos. Problem is, once he sets eyes on her, he can’t help but want the vivacious blonde with plus-sized curves, perfect for a big man like himself.
He wants her even if it breaks all his rules when it comes to women.
Wants her even if she destroys his serenity.
Wants her more than a perfectly grilled piece of steak with a dash of garlic, pepper, and salt.
Thing is, someone else wants her too.
This poor omega is about to have his world turned upside down, which means everyone better watch out because when Leo experiences love, jealousy, and frustration for the first time, he doesn’t just snap—he roars!
Genre: paranormal romance, shapeshifter romance, alpha male, bbw heroine, werelion, werecat, romantic comedy, humorous romance, fantasy
David Spade is best known for his harsh “Hollywood” Minute Sketches on SNL, his starring roles in movies like Joe Dirt and Tommy Boy, and his seven-year stint as Dennis Finch on the series Just Shoot Me. Now, with a wit as dry as the weather in his home state of Arizona, the “comic brat extraordinaire” tells his story in Almost Interesting.
First Taking fans back to his childhood as a wannabe cool younger brother and recounting his excruciating road-tour to fame—when he was regularly mistaken for a ten year-old, Spade then dishes about his time crisscrossing the country as a comedian, for low-paying gigs and dragging along his mother’s old suitcase full of props. He also covers his years on SNL during the beloved Rock/Sandler/Farley era of the 1990s, including his close working relationship and friendship with Chris Farley and brags about the ridiculous perks that fame has brought into his life, including the constant fear of being fired, a crazy ex-assistant who attacked him while he was sleeping, a run-in with Eddie Murphy on the mean streets of Beverly Hills, and of course an endless supply of hot chicks.
Sometimes dirty, always funny, and as sharp as a tack, Almost Interesting reminds you why David Spade is one of our generation’s favorite funny guys.
If your cat is kneading you, that's not a sign of affection. Your cat is actually checking your internal organs for weakness. If your cat brings you a dead animal, this isn't a gift. It's a warning. How to Tell If Your Cat Is Plotting to Kill You is a hilarious, brilliant offering of comics, facts, and instructional guides about crazy cat behaviors from the creative wonderland at TheOatmeal.com.
How to Tell If Your Cat Is Plotting to Kill You presents fan favorites, such as "Cat vs. Internet," "How to Pet a Kitty," and "The Bobcats," plus 17 brand-new, never-before-seen cat-themed comic strips. This Oatmeal collection is a must-have for cat-lovers from Mr. Oats!
For more than forty years—whether writing for Richard Pryor and Saturday Night Live or performing stand-up to sold-out crowds around the country—Paul Mooney has been provocative, incisive . . . and absolutely hilarious. His comedy has always been indisputably real and raw, reflecting race issues in America, and this fascinating, fearless new memoir continues that unapologetically candid tradition.
While other stars soared only to crash and burn, Paul Mooney has stayed chiefly behind the scenes, and he’s got a lifetime of stories to show for it. As head writer for The Richard Pryor Show, he helped tear down racial barriers and change the course of comedy. He helped Robin Williams and Sarah Bernhard break into show business. He paved the way for superstars like Eddie Murphy. Few have witnessed as much comedy history as Mooney; even fewer could recount it with such riotous honesty and depth of insight. He reveals the truth about his celebrated partnership with the brilliant, self-destructive Richard Pryor, from their first meeting to the very last joke, and reflects on some of his most notorious moments.
Decades ago, Paul Mooney set out not just make audiences laugh but to make them think. Black Is the New White is his blisteringly funny, no-holds-barred memoir of how he continues to succeed wildly at both.
Loni Love quit her job as an electrical engineer fifteen years ago to pursue her lifelong dream of a career in comedy. Since then she has become one of the highest-paid female standup comics in the United States and her brand of relatable humor has led her down yet another path: relationship advice. Already a regular on Loveline with Dr. Drew, Telepictures is currently developing Loni’s own relationship-based TV show.
In this fresh and funny advice book, Love doles out an ample serving of her unique, down-to-earth take on love, sex, and dating. Love Him or Leave Him delivers answers to women’s most pressing relationship questions with the central message that treating yourself right is always the first line of attack. You may stick with him, you may bail out, but don’t ever be left “stuck with the tab” or getting taken advantage of.
With the assistance of Jeannine Amber, award-winning Senior Writer for Essence magazine, Love offers up juicy tidbits of romantic advice in an easy-to-read Q&A format bolstered by hilarious been-there-done-that-tales. The message of her laugh-out-loud humor is consistent throughout: Put yourself first and love will follow.
Baratunde Thurston’s comedic memoir chronicles his coming-of-blackness and offers practical advice on everything from “How to Be the Black Friend” to “How to Be the (Next) Black President”.
Have you ever been called “too black” or “not black enough”?
Have you ever befriended or worked with a black person?
Have you ever heard of black people?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, this book is for you. It is also for anyone who can read, possesses intelligence, loves to laugh, and has ever felt a distance between who they know themselves to be and what the world expects.
Raised by a pro-black, Pan-Afrikan single mother during the crack years of 1980s Washington, DC, and educated at Sidwell Friends School and Harvard University, Baratunde Thurston has more than over thirty years' experience being black. Now, through stories of his politically inspired Nigerian name, the heroics of his hippie mother, the murder of his drug-abusing father, and other revelatory black details, he shares with readers of all colors his wisdom and expertise in how to be black.
“As a black woman, this book helped me realize I’m actually a white man.”—Patton Oswalt
—Chelsea Handler
“Read this unless you’re allergic to laughing.”
—Kristen Bell
“If you’re wondering if there is a real man behind the quotes on Twitter, the answer is a definite and laugh-out-loud yes.”
—Christian Lander, New York Times bestselling author of Stuff White People Like
Tuesdays with Morrie meets F My Life in this hilarious book about a son’s relationship with his foul-mouthed father by the 29-year-old comedy writer who created the massively popular Twitter feed of the same name.