Yonderland

Debbie isn’t sure how she’s going to fill her days now her twins have started school. Having tried zumba, cleaned the house to within an inch of its life and drunk a few too many cups of coffee, just when she thinks she might be on the point of going mad with boredom (and caffeine), an Elf appears in her kitchen cupboard and summons her to Yonderland, for she is The Chosen One. Convinced that she really has lost it, but without a better option, Debbie goes with the Elf and travels through the portal to the other world. There she meets the Elders, who tell her that the first scroll foretells of her coming, and show her an etching on the wall – a portrait of Debbie – that proves that she is, indeed, The Chosen One. With her help, they will be able to defeat the forces of evil who threaten to subdue them. The only problem is that the second scroll, which foretells what it is she’s actually meant to do to achieve this, has gone missing. Still sceptical about the whole ‘Chosen One’ thing, Debbie reluctantly agrees to see the Oracle, who might be able to give her some more information about what it is she’s meant to do. The Oracle turns out to be not much better than a bad medium (‘…. um… I’m sensing a John… could be Robert….’), but having stormed off in disgust, Debbie then finds the Oracle’s mystical nonsense starting to come true. Could she really be the Chosen One? As she basks in the adulation that she receives having solved a minor dispute by introducing the notion of apologising and shaking hands, rather than the traditional fight to the death, Debbie decides that it might actually be quite fun being revered in another world. Back at home, Debbie tries to tell her husband Peter about her day, but then realises that kind and loving as he is, this information about another world through their kitchen cupboard might be too much for his straight-forward mind to take. And anyway, she’s still not completely convinced that she hasn’t, after all, simply gone mad. (c) null 2015 Sky UK Limited

The Elf appears and summons Debbie urgently – he thinks he’s found a lead on the second scroll, but they need to get it urgently – it’s in the Temple of Tombs, the doors to which only open once every quillenia, and they will close again at sunset. Debbie goes with him leaving Peter, who is convinced he’s dying of flu, manfully going to work anyway after Debbie’s less than sympathetic response to his illness. When Debbie and Elf get to the golden path that leads to the temple, they encounter a problem: it’s guarded by a monster who loves to greet any new ‘friends’ who try to step on his path with a hug and a kiss, but unfortunately doesn’t know his own strength, so ends up crushing them to death. The Elf realises they need to find another way across to the temple, and remembers the Wizard who lives around there, and was always renowned for his powers of flight and invisibility – he can help them. However when they find him, he’s performing terrible hack-tricks for a small crowd – he’s lost his powers. With time running out and no other way to get to the temple, Debbie and the Elf follow the Wizard home and get him to reveal the problem – he’s lost his Mojo. They had ‘artistic’ differences, and now won’t speak to one another, but in fact neither of them is happy with the situation – a wizard can’t perform magic without his Mojo, but the Mojo is just a charisma-free conjuror without his wizard. Debbie manages to reconcile the Wizard and Mojo, and they get past the monster to the temple just as the sun starts to set and the doors to the temple start to close. Debbie pulls the scroll out of a chest, too quickly for the Elf to be able to warn her not to expose it to direct sunlight. Too late – the scroll bursts into flames. She’s despondent – all this Chosen One stuff is rubbish – she hasn’t managed to achieve anything, and she’s wasting her time. The Elf points out the good that she’s already brought to his world – maybe that’s what her purpose is in this land, and it’s by small acts for the good guys that she will defeat Negatus’ forces of evil. The Wizard is massively grateful for Debbie’s help in reconciling him and his Mojo and asks what he can do for Debbie in return. At home later that evening, Peter is much better – it must have been whatever was in the strange blue bottle that Debbie brought home that day. (c) null 2015 Sky UK Limited

Peter is practising for his am dram audition (except he calls it ‘regional theatre’). Unfortunately his singing is awful, and Debbie, fearing that he’ll make an idiot of himself, tells him so pretty bluntly. Peter’s hurt, but Debbie stands by her view that it’s better for him to know the truth. Meanwhile Negatus is playing with his latest gadget – the Font of Oris, which allows him to see the outside world, via a camera manned by his squabbling demons. He surveys the ruins of a monastery which he’s had baited with ogre musk to punish the monks who live there – delighted with his work, but keen to find the rest of the monks and finish them off too. The demons are keen to take on the task, rather than leave it to bounty hunters, but demonstrate that they might not be up to it when they manage to drop the camera and break Negatus’ latest toy. When Debbie arrives in Yonderland with Elf, he has a treat for her: he’s going to take her to see the Yawning Trees, which, once every thousand years… yawn in unison. It’s a special event, and, as it sounds, spectacularly boring. However, the two of them are side-tracked when they meet Brother Marcous, a destitute and enormously insulting monk, who’s wandering in the forest. He tells them that he is one of the Monks of Old John, who follow their founder’s commandment that they must always tell the truth. This has got them into the trouble they’re in now, as they insulted the evil Negatus with a few honestly-spoken truths. When Debbie sees the way the monks are living – they’ve got no food, and there’s uncertainty about which is the well and which the toilet – she decides to help them, even if it does mean missing the Yawning Trees. Debbie needs to teach them to lie, so that they can safely travel to the Moon Under the Water – the former homestead of Old John – without fear that they’ll reveal themselves if they meet any bounty hunters along the way. Her efforts aren’t totally successful, and the monks are adamant about the importance of telling the truth at all times, but after a run-in with the bounty hunters, and pursued by Negatus’ demons, Debbie does manage to get them safely to their destination, disguised in Peter’s suits (which give them a distinctly ‘wide boy’ appearance – much like estate agents). The Moon Under the Water isn’t quite what the monks imagined though – it’s a pub, and on questioning an ancient man who remembers Old John, they discover that he wasn’t a wise truth-teller, he was an obnoxious drunk who always liked to tell it like it is. The monks are crushed – their entire order is based on a lie. As they reel from this, Negatus’ demons bowl into the pub and question the monks about their identity. At this crucial moment the monks finally come up with a successful lie, foxing the demons and allowing the monks to start new lives (as estate agents) in safety. Back at home, Peter tries out his audition piece on Debbie again – he’s really practised now – is it any better? It’s not, but this time Debbie pauses, then tells him ‘yes, definitely, much better – it’s going to be great’. Negatus can’t believe that the monks have out-witted him, and is starting to get worried about Debbie’s interfering presence in Yonderland – it looks as if he’s going to have to tell the boss about her. (c) null 2015 Sky UK Limited

Having just completed a quest with the Elf, Debbie comes across the dashing Knight in shining armour Philip of Woolworth. He attempts to charm Debbie with a succession of smooth chat-up lines, before promptly impaling himself on his sword as he tries to dismount. His timid page is distraught – the Knight was the reigning champion in their nationwide Tournament to win the Ultimate Prize, and now they don’t have anyone to enter. Despite needing to get back for the twins’ sports day, Debbie feels responsible enough for the Knight’s death to agree to help train their substitute, Gus. He seems to be doing well, but then he sees the man Negatus is planning to enter – without the Knight there, this year he finally has a chance of winning, and is going to do everything he can to make sure he does. So he has seconded veteran of the 99-years war, and suspected war criminal, Emmanuel. Imperatrix – the boss – isn’t pleased about it, but when Negatus tells her that it’s nothing to do with the Tournament – he’s using Emmanuel to get rid of the meddling Debbie – she calms down a little. One look at the fearsome Emmanuel in training, and Gus runs for the hills. The page panics again – what are they going to do? Debbie tries to talk the page into entering himself, but he’s adamant that he can’t – mere pages can’t enter, it’s only for knights. A page entering the Tournament would be as ridiculous as a woman voting! Debbie tries to persuade him that he is capable, and that he should take on the system. Not only that, but she’s risking missing sports day for this, so he can’t let her down. On the day of the Tournament, it looks as if Emmanuel is going to win by default, as no one has dared enter and take him on. Then the page appears, finally convinced by Debbie. After a bit of discussion, the Elders decide that this might be acceptable, and the competition begins. After three rounds things aren’t looking good for the page, but he can still win if he can do well in the final courtly contest – kissing. At this point the page loses his nerve – he’s only a page, he doesn’t know how to kiss – but Debbie plants a kiss to end all kisses on his lips, and, swooning, he goes into the arena and does the same to the waiting kissee. He’s the winner of the tournament, and Debbie manages to get to sports day just in time to see her kids race. Negatus is not only furious that he’s lost again, he’s also conscious that the boss is not going to be happy that Debbie is still meddling in their world, particularly after he wasn’t completely honest with her about why he wanted to borrow Emmanuel. (c) null 2015 Sky UK Limited

Debbie’s had enough of the quests – her normal life is suffering, and she can’t keep disappearing to Yonderland. It all comes to a head when Debbie returns from the other world to find the table laid for a candle-lit dinner, uneaten take-away, and Peter asleep on the sofa. She’s missed date night. So enough’s enough, she needs to concentrate on her family, not on being The Chosen One. The Elf’s sad, of course, but if Debbie’s certain she wants to stop her adventures, there is a way to close the portal forever. But it does involve one last quest. Debbie needs to collect water, fire and earth with magical properties from specific lands: water from the spa of Gesundheit, fire from Ennythingos and earth from the Parvuli. Quite by chance, these lands also show Debbie the best that the other world has to offer: she arrives at the spa dishevelled, but as well as being given the water, she is pampered and preened, and emerges feeling relaxed and looking radiant. Then at Ennythingos she gets into the spirit of a place with no responsibilities where – anything goes. She’s so seduced by the carefree abandon that she nearly leaps into the wall of flame that surrounds their sacred fire, but at the last minute is stopped in her tracks by two of Negatus’ demons, while the other one flies into the heart of the flames to bring the fire to her. The demons are finding it hard to get their heads around this, but now that Debbie’s determined to close the portal, Negatus actually wants to help her in her task this time – it’s win win for him – Debbie will leave the world, and he’ll get all the credit with Imperatrix. Finally Debbie and the Elf reach the Parvula village, where the tiny furry Parvuli welcome Debbie and sweetly sing songs to her about her greatness and everything she’s done for their world. Then the time has come to complete the ritual that will close the portal – she needs to throw the water, fire and earth into the flames, along with Nick the Stick. Nick’s pretty keen for this as he’s been suffering from agonising toothache all day – being thrown on the fire would be a blessed relief. But at the final moment, Debbie can’t do it. She realises all the good things she gets out of her adventures in the other world and tells the Elf she wants to carry on doing it, despite all the endless quests. The Elf is delighted, not least because he’d made the whole ritual up. He’s probably going to keep that to himself though. (c) null 2015 Sky UK Limited

Debbie goes on a quest with self-centred and entirely un-self-aware King Bernard who is convinced that if only he can build yet another monument to himself, then his people will love him. He has a map that leads to a tomb filled not only with treasure that will fund the monument, but the second scroll is also there – at last Debbie can learn her purpose in Yonderland. The only problem is that she really does need the one day a week that the Elders promised her in order to keep her house in order, so the Elders suggest that Elf does the cleaning instead. He’s reluctant, but after all his chat about how easy that kind of thing is it’s quite hard for him to get out of it. Meanwhile, Negatus and his demons are in pursuit of our heroes, having been given a massive dressing down by Imperatrix while Negatus was throwing a party to celebrate Debbie being gone from his world forever. What Negatus hadn’t counted on was the fact that his demons had flown back to his lair before Debbie completed the ritual, so didn’t see the moment when she balked at throwing Nick into the flames. So now Negatus needs to stop relying on his imbecile demons and put a stop to Debbie’s activities himself. Debbie, Bernard and his trusty (but sarcastic) Chamberlain set off for the Tomb, as do Negatus and the demons (having spied on the Elders’ chamber and discovered where they’re going). Bernard is very taken with Debbie by now, and does his best to work his charms on her, completely oblivious to the fact that she is not exactly warming to him. Then, while going for night-time wees, Debbie and Negatus come face to face for the first time. Debbie and her team flee, with Negatus and the demons in pursuit. They all arrive at the Tomb within seconds of one another, and it looks as if Debbie’s done for when Negatus starts to draw a sword from a nearby skeleton… but that just sets a trap in motion – a gate clangs down behind Negatus, and a secret door opens up in front of Debbie. She, Bernard and Chamberlain dash through and while Debbie searches for the scroll the other two fill their pockets with jewels, Bernard taking one final sapphire from the plinth… At which point the walls start closing in on them. As they face certain death, Bernard reveals that he lied about the scroll – he just wanted help in finding the treasure so that he could make his people love him by putting up yet another statue to himself. Debbie’s furious, but while Bernard whimpers that he’ll do anything now if only he can live, manages to slow the walls’ progress by jamming Bernard’s guitar between them. Just as the guitar falls to pieces entirely, they are saved by the wood nymph Mr Havelock’s appearance on the end of a rope – he was knocked into a well as Negatus chased Debbie to the tomb, but clung onto the rope as he fell down the well-shaft. Miles above them, Miss Fanshawe manfully hoists the rope, now with Debbie, Bernard and Chamberlain also clinging on, back to the surface. Safely back at Bernard’s palace, Debbie forces the reluctant king to fulfil the promise he made when he was facing death. He grudgingly throws out a few coins to his people, but when he sees their gratitude starts to enjoy the feeling and flings more and more treasures at them. Debbie notices that the people below the balcony also seem to be rooting on the floor for her own possessions, and turns around to see that the Elf has arrived, looking sheepish. Housework, it has turned out, is not as easy as he thought, and having destroyed most of Debbie’s clothes, kitchen utensils and soft furnishings, has simply pushed everything through the portal in a moment of desperation. (c) null 2015 Sky UK Limited

Debbie is captured and taken to the Ninny village, only to discover that there was no need for such extreme action on her captors’ part – they only wanted to ask her a question. But this is a village of idiots, and it didn’t occur to them that they could simply… ask her a question. This is a place where evolution has essentially failed to take place, due to their time-honoured practice of routinely taking the cleverest (ie least stupid) person in the village and anointing them Chief Hoo-Hah. But not until they have been fired from a canon into the sun, so that they can receive the blessing of the Sun God. Surprisingly, no one has ever returned from that journey, so with each (marginally) less idiotic person being routinely killed, the village has remained in a state of utter stupidity. Negatus has taken advantage of this, duping the Ninnies into handing over vast quantities of uncut gemstones for free – finally he can impress Imperatrix by providing her with enough jewels to fund her determination to take over the last unconquered land. He just needs to get the stones cut into jewels, which Kendal and his lovingly-tended machine will assist with. Back in the Ninny village, Debbie is determined to stop these idiots from firing yet more of their number into the sun, so forms a plan that will have the double benefit of fulfilling Peter’s desire to make a showreel to impress his am-dram friends. Assisted by Elf and Nick, Dave, the anointed Hoo-Hah, is put into the canon, but Nick is secreted inside, so rather than being fired away, he travels to Debbie’s kitchen through the portal. There he is (pretty easily) duped into believing that he has arrived on the sun, and is being addressed by the Sun God himself. Except it’s Peter, doing his very best commanding acting. Peter tells Dave that he must return to the Ninnies and unlock the gates of the Hall of Wisdom and allow everyone to learn from the books contained there. And, most importantly, they must never consult the Sun God again. Dave does as he is told, and the Ninny village is quickly transformed into a place of sophistication and learning. So much so, that when the demons return to gather more stones after Kendal unfortunately squandered the last batch (there was a lot of ‘wastage’ in creating a single sparkling jewel), they find the Ninnies asking exactly how much they’re going to pay for them. Once again Negatus has failed Imperatrix, and again it’s Debbie who has scuppered his plans. He is seriously worried about how the boss will react. (c) null 2015 Sky UK Limited

Negatus is really in trouble now – Debbie has outsmarted him at every turn, and it’s not good enough. Imperatrix is coming to visit, and she wants Debbie at Negatus’ lair by the time she gets there – she’ll deal with her herself. Negatus forms a plan, kidnapping the Elf to use him as bait, and then going through the portal himself in disguise as… er…. Dirty Ernie. Debbie’s suspicious, but concerned enough about Elf that she agrees to go with Ernie to Negatus’ lair to rescue him. They’ll need help though (despite Ernie’s encouragement that they should simply go on their own), so Debbie assembles a crack team of people she’s already met on her adventures: the Wizard Bradley and Mojo, the Gallants, and the Monks of Truth (now fully established as lying estate agents). As the team travel to Negatus’ lair, Debbie still has her suspicions about Dirty Ernie, but a during game of football that she organises when the team starts to get tired and fractious, Ernie finally seems to bond with everyone and she puts her fears to one side. Negatus himself is surprised to find himself enjoying being part of a team and feeling that he matters – it’s not a feeling he’s experienced much before, and it’s definitely preferable to hearing his other companions endlessly talking about how evil and unpopular Negatus is. However, when they arrive at the lair, Ernie reveals his true colours and Debbie surrenders herself – it’s her fault for trusting him, and she can’t make the rest of her team take the consequences. Debbie’s slung into a cell with Elf and Nick (knocked unconscious by Negatus and out of Elf’s reach), and they try to find a way out. But Debbie’s companions (after a bit of thought) decide that they can’t let her down – what would Debbie do in this situation? She’d rescue them. So that’s what they will do for her. As Imperatrix arrives at Negatus’ lair, they start to carry out their plan to spring Debbie, Elf and Nick from the cells. Luckily for them, it takes a while for Imperatrix and Negatus to reach the cells, as Negatus has a slightly shaky grasp on the geography of his own lair. But it’s close – it’s only just as Imperatrix enters the cell at last that our heroes are released and Nick and Elf can create a portal. Imperatrix catches sight of Debbie as she disappears into the portal and shrieks, horrified. Safely back in Debbie’s kitchen, she starts to ask Elf who that person was, but he’s cut off in his answer by Peter returning from work. Quick – everyone needs to get out. The cupboard is still glowing with the remnants of the portal when Peter comes into the kitchen, and it makes him pause for a moment, convinced that something odd has been going on. When Debbie leaves the room, Peter goes into the cupboard and starts tapping the walls and listening – can he hear something through them? Back in Yonderland, Imperatrix is alone, looking at a torn etching of the portrait of Debbie in the Elders’ chamber. “But this cannot be!” – Imperatrix turns and reveals her face for the first time – she looks exactly like Debbie. Her howls of horror send reverberations through the land that reach as far as the Elders’ chamber – something is wrong – it must be Imperatrix. Now the Elders and the inhabitants of Yonderland need Debbie more than ever – she must prevail, or it could be the end! (c) null 2015 Sky UK Limited