How to Be a Footballer

Peter Crouch

Sep 2018 · Random House

About this ebook

'Very funny on almost every page, wonderfully self-deprecating and very sharp on the ludicrous behaviour of the modern player' - Sunday Times

'The funniest man in British sport' - Metro

**A Sunday Times Sports Book of the Year**
**Shortlisted for the National Book Awards**
**Longlisted for the Telegraph Sports Book Awards Autobiography of the Year**

You become a footballer because you love football. And then you are a footballer, and you're suddenly in the strangest, most baffling world of all. A world where one team-mate comes to training in a bright red suit with matching top-hat, cane and glasses, without any actual glass in them, and another has so many sports cars they forget they have left a Porsche at the train station. Even when their surname is incorporated in the registration plate.

So walk with me into the dressing-room, to find out which players refuse to touch a football before a game, to discover why a load of millionaires never have any shower-gel, and to hear what Cristiano Ronaldo says when he looks at himself in the mirror.

We will go into post-match interviews, make fools of ourselves on social media and try to ensure that we never again pay £250 for a haircut that should have cost a tenner. We'll be coached and cajoled by Harry Redknapp, upset Rafa Benitez and be soothed by the sound of an accordion played by Sven-Goran Eriksson's assistant Tord Grip. There will be some very bad music and some very bad decisions.

I am Peter Crouch. This is How To Be A Footballer. Shall we?

Ratings and reviews

It's as funny as everyone's been saying it is. I've not listened to Peter Crouch's podcast but I'm told that's just as good. This man clearly has a talent for humour and, if there's enough money in it to satisfy an ex-footballer, I'd highly recommend Crouchie going into stand up when the inevitability of retirement does hit him. There's laughter on every page - and being forced to laugh out loud in public on several occasions - as well as the odd football tale that is very useful to drop into daily conversation with fellow football fans or at work. The only criticism one could look for is it's not necessarily the most serious book - but I'm giving it 5 stars as that's not really a criticism (and it certainly isn't a mockery/parody, it's just very, very funny).

Brilliantly funny. Peter Crouch doesn't take himself to seriously. Very tongue in cheek. It shows how pompous some alleged top players can be.

One of the best sporting biographies i have read. Crouchy is funny, self depreciating, homest and not afraid to laugh at himself.

About the author

Peter Crouch was a professional footballer for over 20 years. He scored over 100 Premier League goals, has 42 England caps and holds the record for the most headed goals in Premier League history. He's now a bestselling author, award-winning podcast host and champion of grassroots football.