Dave Barry's Money Secrets: Like: Why Is There a Giant Eyeball on the Dollar?

Dave Barry

Jan 2006 · Sold by Crown Archetype

About this eBook

Did you ever wish that you really understood money? Well, Dave Barry wishes that he did, too. But that hasn’t stopped him from writing this book. In it, Dave explores (as only he can) such topics as:

• How the U.S. economy works, including the often overlooked role of Adam Sandler
• Why it is not a good idea to use squirrels for money
• Strategies that will give you the confidence you need to try for a good job, even though you are—let’s be honest—a no-talent loser
• How corporate executives, simply by walking into their offices, immediately become much stupider
• An absolutely foolproof system for making money in the stock market, requiring only a little effort (and access to time travel)
• Surefire tips for buying and selling real estate, the key being: Never buy—or, for that matter, sell—real estate
• How to minimize your federal taxes, safely and legally, by cheating
• Why good colleges cost so much, and how to make sure your child does not get into one
• How to reduce the cost of your medical care by basically not getting any
• Estate planning, especially the financial benefits of an early death
• And many, many pictures of Suze Orman

But that’s only the beginning! Dave has also included in this book all of the important points from a book written by Donald Trump, so you don’t have to read it yourself. Plus he explains how to tip, how to negotiate for everything (including bridge tolls), how to argue with your spouse about money, and how much allowance to give your children (three dollars is plenty). He also presents, for the first time in print anywhere, the Car Dealership Code of Ethics (“Ethic Seven: The customer is an idiot”). Also, there are many gratuitous references to Angelina Jolie naked. You can’t afford not to buy this book! Probably you need several copies.


What kind of financial shape are you in right now? This scientific quiz will show you.

Be honest in your answers: If you lie, you’ll only be lying to yourself! The place to lie is on your federal tax return.


What is your annual income?
1. More than $50,000.
2. Less than $50,000.
3. However much I get when I return these empties.

Not counting your mortgage, how much money do you currently owe?
1. Less than $10,000.
2. More than $10,000.
3. Men are threatening to cut off my thumbs.

How would you describe your portfolio?
1. Conservative, mainly bonds and blue-chip equities.
2. Aggressive, mainly options and speculative stocks.
3. My what?

When analyzing an investment, what do you consider to be the most important factor?
1. The amount of return.
2. The degree of risk.
3. The name of the jockey.

How do you plan to finance your retirement?
1. Savings.
2. Social security.
3. Sale of kidneys.

—from the Introduction: “Why You Need This Book”


Also available as a Crown eBook.

Ratings and reviews

Over the years we have come to expect from Dave Berry some of the finniest prose in the English language, and this book does not disappoint. He has an incredible skill at turning even the most boring subject matter into something that we can laugh at with reckless abandon. In the "Money Secrets" he takes on the whole genre of self-help financial advice books and their self-appointed gurus. Two people who are particularly in his crosshairs this time around are Suze Orman and Donald Trump. By the end of the book you will not be able to look at these two with any level of seriousness (if you were ever able to do it in the first place that is). What is particularly disarming about this book is the vintage Dave Berry turn of phrase and the creation of ridiculous ideas out of the most ordinary circumstances. His skill at it makes it seem incredibly easy to write humor for living, but we would be well advised not to try it on our own. Humor of this caliber is best left to the professionals, and we are fortunate enough that Dave keeps coming up with book as often as he does. Be warned that while reading this book you will break out into fits of uncontrollable laughter which will leave all those around you perplexed and maybe even worried for your mental state of mind. It's best to read Dave Barry alone while no one is watching.

Recommended

About the author

Dave Barry has been awarded the Pulitzer Prize for commentary. His columns for the Miami Herald were syndicated worldwide, and he is the author of a number of bestselling books, including the recently published Peter and the Starcatchers with Ridley Pearson. He lives in Miami, where he drives very nervously.