Because I Said So: And Other Tales from a Less-Than-Perfect Parent

Sold by Simon and Schuster
4
Free sample

Yes, there are times when it’s appropriate to reason with your child, to patiently and eloquently explain why he or she needs to do as you ask. You might present convincing arguments like “Because it makes you strong”; “Because it will keep you safe”; “Because it’s good for you”; “Because it’s bad for you.” But there are times when the only thing that really makes sense is . . . “Because I said so!!”

This book is a hilarious, honest romp through motherhood—the joys, the sleeplessness, the frazzled days, the unending carpooling, the in-house refereeing, the dieting (yeah, right), the worrying—and did we say, the joy?

Here’s what some of that joy looks like—with excerpts straight from the book:

• I tried to do the Buns of Steel video, but quickly realized that it wasn’t intended for people who have buns of pudding.

• I felt like my head might explode. I kind of hoped it would so I could take a nice, peaceful ambulance ride out of there.

• I was a little at a loss. I mean, those parenting books don’t tell you how to break up a fight over an imaginary friend.

• Moms aren’t allowed to get sick more than one day a year. Single moms aren’t allowed to get sick ever.

• Before you have children you can’t imagine yourself saying things like “Don’t put chocolate milk in your pants,” “Take the hot dog out of your nose,” or “Because I said so!”

If you’re a mom-to-be or a mom in the trenches, you’ll love knowing that you’re not the only one out there who sometimes just figures it out as you go along—and sometimes can’t figure it out at all. But in the end, Dawn has these words of encouragement just for you: “Enjoy this time. Even when they make you crazy, these are the best days of your life.” And they really are, aren’t they?
Read more
Collapse

About the author

Dawn lives with her six children on the outskirts of Chicago where she practices her juggling skills daily. On any given evening, Dawn can be found taking one child to cheerleading practice, dropping another off at church, making dinner, going the grocery store, paying the bills, kissing a boo-boo, reading a bedtime story, making school lunches, cleaning up muddy footprints, folding some laundry, taking a child to the ER, and writing blog posts.

After Dawn auctioned a pack of Pokemon cards on eBay, she attracted the attention of nearly a hundred thousand readers in one day. Her blog, BecauseISaidSo.com skyrocketed to become one of the most popular mommy blogs on the net. In 2008, her blog was voted the Best Parenting Blog by The Blogger's Choice Awards. It was also nominated for the Best Humor Blog, the Hottest Mommy Blogger, and the Best Blog of All Time.

Read more
Collapse
4.8
4 total
Loading...

Additional Information

Publisher
Simon and Schuster
Read more
Collapse
Published on
Jul 5, 2011
Read more
Collapse
Pages
208
Read more
Collapse
ISBN
9781451613933
Read more
Collapse
Read more
Collapse
Read more
Collapse
Language
English
Read more
Collapse
Genres
Family & Relationships / General
Family & Relationships / Parenting / Motherhood
Family & Relationships / Parenting / Single Parent
Humor / Topic / Marriage & Family
Read more
Collapse
Content Protection
This content is DRM protected.
Read more
Collapse
Eligible for Family Library

Reading information

Smartphones and Tablets

Install the Google Play Books app for Android and iPad/iPhone. It syncs automatically with your account and allows you to read online or offline wherever you are.

Laptops and Computers

You can read books purchased on Google Play using your computer's web browser.

eReaders and other devices

To read on e-ink devices like the Sony eReader or Barnes & Noble Nook, you'll need to download a file and transfer it to your device. Please follow the detailed Help center instructions to transfer the files to supported eReaders.
From a “hero for dads everywhere” (Daily Mirror), a hilarious, insightful, and heartfelt take on parenting based on a viral blog post that Ashton Kutcher called, “one of the best descriptions of fatherhood I’ve ever read.”

One evening, while his three-month-old son Charlie briefly slept, Matt Coyne staggered to his desk, opened his laptop, and wrote a side-splittingly funny Facebook post about early fatherhood: Comparing his diaper-changing skills to that of a Formula One pit crew, birth to a Saw movie, and the sound of a baby crying at 3am to “having the inside of your skill sandpapered by an angry Viking,” he shared his observations with friends and family—and soon, to his surprise, the world. In the spirit of that post, which became an instant sensation, Man vs. Baby is the tale of one man’s journey through the first year of parenthood, told with wit, humor, and heart.

Part memoir, part tell-it-like-it-is parenting book, this is a ferociously funny, inventively foul-mouthed, and genuinely touching account of a baby’s first year, filled with relatable references to Harry Potter, McDonalds, and the villain in Die Hard. Matt covers everything you need to know, from labor (a good time to play “profanity bingo”) to what you might find in your baby’s diaper, a catalogue that includes The Phantom, The Expressionist, and The Jeff Goldblum. Capturing both the comic helplessness of new fatherhood and his deep love and admiration for his partner Lyndsay and child, Matt’s story will appeal to anyone who has a baby—or is even contemplating the idea. Whether you’re looking for a reprieve from the news cycle or a reminder of what’s most important in life, Man vs. Baby will have you laughing out loud—and, if you’re a new mother or father, filled with relief at being truly understood.

A fresh take on the bewilderment and joy of having a baby from a rip-roaringly talented new voice, this combination memoir and advice book is sure to charm parents everywhere.
The goal of parenting is to train your children to have slightly better manners than a dog. If you’ve achieved that by the end of day (or even if you’ve failed majestically trying), it is important to celebrate the little things. Like bedtime. And screw-top wine. And with Mommyfesto, by award-winning humor blogger Leanne Shirtliffe, you’ll learn the nitty-gritty about what it means to be a real parent. Without resorting to stereotypical “poo and pee jokes,” Shirtliffe finds humor in the insanity of raising children and celebrates using how-to-parent-like-an-expert books as paperweights for your child’s art collection in the recycling bin. Mommyfesto contains more than 150 realistic (and downright humorous) truths about parenting, such as:

A Band-Aid and a kiss solve most daily crises. So does talking like a pirate.
Expectations of child rearing should be thrown out the window. It’s better than throwing out your child.
If you can survive parented piano lessons, you can survive a zombie apocalypse.
And much more!

Mommyfesto offers parents the opportunity to laugh at the absurdity of childrearing and to realize there is no right way to do it. Blank pages in the back of the book encourage moms (and dads, too!) to add their beliefs—whether bizarre, funny, or even serious—to the book, making this a go-to guide for generations of crazed parents.

Leanne's blog, IronicMom.com, was recently declared the Best Humour Blog by the Canadian Weblog Awards, a juried competition. IronicMom.com garners 8,000–13,000 hits per month and has been featured on high-traffic sites such as The Christian Science Monitor, ProBlogger, Wordpress’ home page, Canadian Family, CBC, the Calgary Herald, and Sweet Mama. IronicMom.com was recognized as one of the top five new blogs by the Canadian Weblog Awards (2010) and as the top parenting blog in Calgary (a city of over 1 million people) and as the Most Laugh–Out–Loud Funny blog by Sweet Mama, a popular Canadian website.
Newly remarried, with four kids under the age of eight, Suzanne Evans is fed up with tantrums, misbehaving, and general household chaos. Desperate to get the upper hand, she turns to Machiavelli’s iconic political treatise, The Prince, and inspiration strikes. Maybe, she thinks, I can use his manipulative rules to bring order to my boisterous family.

Soon her experiment begins to play out in surprisingly effective ways. She starts off following Machiavelli’s maxim “It is dangerous to be overly generous” and soon realizes that for all its austerity, there is a kernel of truth in it. Her kids do behave when they are given clear limits. From there, she starts tackling other rules—“Tardiness robs us of opportunity” and “Study the actions of illustrious men”—and she is surprised at how quickly her brood falls in line once she starts adapting his advice to child rearing.

As she tries more and more of Machiavelli’s ideas on her family, Evans figures out this secret: You can get more out of your kids, with less fighting, if you figure out how to gently manipulate them to get what you want (and let them think it’s their own idea). But when events in her life start to spiral out of control and some of her earlier techniques are no longer working, she has to figure out her own answer to the ultimate Machiavellian question: Is it better to be feared than loved?

***

Do the Ends Justify the Meanness?

Machiavelli for Moms is the story of a rash, even crazy experiment: a year of using Machiavelli’s The Prince to “rule” one disobedient family. As mother-of-four Suzanne Evans soon found out, a little bit of coercion, manipulation, and cunning can go a long way when running a kingdom— and a household. Wouldn’t we all like to have kids who:

• Consistently obey our commands . . . without our having to nag?

• Stop talking back . . . and start getting along with each other?

• Eagerly complete their homework . . . without our having to ask?

• Sleep soundly through the night . . . while we regain our sanity, sex drive, and peace of mind?

In Machiavelli for Moms, Evans offers one woman’s unorthodox solution to the messy, chaotic, and confusing world of modern motherhood. It’s a tale of her own experiment in “power parenting” and a manifesto for other moms willing to act on Machiavelli’s famously manipulative advice.
You’ll Lose the Baby Weight is a humorous look at pregnancy and childbirth. The author shares the parts about pregnancy that your doctor doesn’t tell you--like how many times you are asked to pee whether you want to or not, from figuring out if you're pregnant by peeing on a pee stick to every time you go in for your doctor visit. And then there is the time when you are not allowed to pee but are bursting to when you’re five months pregnant and have to drink thirty-two ounces of water for your ultrasound--and it feels like you've drank fifty-five gallons. As she shares stories from her own six pregnancies and births and those of her friends, Dawn cues readers into the important things they need to know, like how they should order their epidural as soon as they see a pink line on the pregnancy test, the unexpected changes your body goes through, and the fact that they will never again sleep through the night uninterrupted. This book even offers advice for fathers-to-be, including a list of things not to do in the delivery room if they don’t want a bedpan thrown at their heads.

With such chapters as "I’m Not a Doctor; I Just Play One on TV" and "Morning Sickness: It Isn’t Just for Breakfast Anymore," each chapter opens with a list of tips--some serious and some not--including things not to be suckered into buying for your baby and the essentials that you really do need. This hilarious book takes readers through nine months of pregnancy and all the accompanying symptoms to labor and delivery and the weeks postpartum. It will have readers doubled over in laughter, as it walks them through pregnancy with sympathetic honesty. While acknowledging that pregnancy is not always easy, the end result of that sweet-smelling, soft baby somehow make it all worth while.
©2019 GoogleSite Terms of ServicePrivacyDevelopersArtistsAbout Google|Location: United StatesLanguage: English (United States)
By purchasing this item, you are transacting with Google Payments and agreeing to the Google Payments Terms of Service and Privacy Notice.